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Lori Gottlieb

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Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough Kindle Edition

by Lori Gottlieb (Author) Format: Kindle Edition

4.3 1,758 ratings

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An eye-opening, funny, painful, and always truthful in-depth examination of modern relationships, and a wake-up call for single women about getting real about Mr. Right, from the New York Times bestselling author of Maybe You Should Talk to Someone.

You have a fulfilling job, great friends, and the perfect apartment. So what if you haven’t found “The One” just yet. He’ll come along someday, right?

But what if he doesn’t? Or what if Mr. Right had been, well, Mr. Right in Front of You—but you passed him by? Nearing forty and still single, journalist Lori Gottlieb started to wonder: What makes for lasting romantic fulfillment, and are we looking for those qualities when we’re dating? Are we too picky about trivial things that don’t matter, and not picky enough about the often overlooked things that do?

In Marry Him, Gottlieb explores an all-too-common dilemma—how to reconcile the desire for a happy marriage with a list of must-haves and deal-breakers so long and complicated that many great guys get misguidedly eliminated. On a quest to find the answer, Gottlieb sets out on her own journey in search of love, discovering wisdom and surprising insights from sociologists and neurobiologists, marital researchers and behavioral economists—as well as single and married men and women of all generations.

Editorial Reviews

From Booklist

*Starred Review* Gottlieb, 37, made the decision to become a single parent after years of searching for Mr. Right. Four years later, when she still hadn’t found him, she decided to take a good look at her dating habits—and the dating habits of women around her—to see if the problem is not a dearth of good men but rather women’s expectations of them. Gottlieb finds that women want it all—and often aren’t willing to compromise on their list of traits their ideal mate must have. In their twenties, many women leave good relationships based on an elusive feeling that they could find something more with someone else, and they regret it down the road when their choices dwindle. It’s not that women aren’t willing to settle; it’s that many refuse to recognize that their vision of the perfect man doesn’t match reality. With the help of dating coach Evan Marc Katz, Gottlieb reconsidered her own standards in the hope of finding happiness. Gottlieb’s honest, astute analysis will resonate with many women and make them uneasy as they recognize themselves in her experiences and those of the women she interviews. Gottlieb makes a strong case in this groundbreaking work. --Kristine Huntley

Review

Praise for Marry Him

“An unexpected delight. Lori Gottlieb offers herself up as Exhibit A—that’s A for ‘Alone’—in this unsparing exploration of the contemporary mating scene. Part cautionary memoir, part field study, her account of her own stalled search for a husband is honest and darkly comic...The truth isn’t pretty, but it can be liberating.”—The New York Times Book Review

“Marry Him shows women how to find true happiness when seeking love—by giving them a new way to look at the world. Gottlieb manages to be hilarious yet thought-provoking, light-hearted yet profound on the questions of: Why do we fall in love? What qualities really matter in a marriage? For what reasons do we make the decisions that affect our whole lives? Marry Him will set people talking for years.”—Gretchen Rubin, New York Times bestselling author of The Happiness Project

“Funny and relatable...anything but antiromance.”—People Magazine

“A provocative pop culture treatise...Gottlieb encourages us to think through our own beliefs and unexamined assumptions.”—The Chicago Tribune

“Part The Rules, part Malcolm Gladwellian sociopop, Marry Him...is surprisingly, unnervingly convincing.”—O, The Oprah Magazine

Product details

ASIN ‏ : ‎ B0030CVPOA
Publisher ‏ : ‎ Berkley (February 1, 2010)
Publication date ‏ : ‎ February 1, 2010
Language ‏ : ‎ English
File size ‏ : ‎ 1238 KB
Text-to-Speech ‏ : ‎ Enabled
Screen Reader ‏ : ‎ Supported
Enhanced typesetting ‏ : ‎ Enabled
X-Ray ‏ : ‎ Enabled
Word Wise ‏ : ‎ Enabled
Sticky notes ‏ : ‎ On Kindle Scribe
Print length ‏ : ‎ 338 pages
Page numbers source ISBN ‏ : ‎ 045123216X

Best Sellers Rank: #94,176 in Kindle Store (See Top 100 in Kindle Store)
- #105 in Marriage & Long-Term Relationships
- #136 in Love & Romance (Kindle Store)
- #208 in Happiness

Customer Reviews:
4.3 1,758 ratings

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Lori Gottlieb

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Lori Gottlieb is a psychotherapist and New York Times bestselling author of Maybe You Should Talk to Someone, which is being adapted as a television series. She also writes The Atlantic’s weekly “Dear Therapist” advice column and is the co-host of the popular "Dear Therapists" podcast, produced by Katie Couric. Her 2019 TED Talk was one of the Top 10 Most Watched of the Year. She is a sought-after expert in media such as The Today Show, Good Morning America, The CBS Early Show, CNN, and NPR’s “Fresh Air.” Learn more at LoriGottlieb.com or by following her @lorigottlieb_author on Instagram and @LoriGottlieb1 on Twitter.

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Roxie Beckles

Was going to give 4 stars until the last chapter. THIS BOOK IS MUST READ FOR ALL WOMEN!

Reviewed in the United States on October 25, 2020

Verified Purchase

So... This book. This book is like a red pilled relationship book BEFORE the red pill ever existed. And it's such an essential text in today's dating market that it should be a MUST READ rite of passage book for every young woman when she turns 18.

I read this book at the very beginning of a brand new, if I can now admit it... Courtship.

Yes ladies, not just DATING, but a true old fashioned courtship with an amazing man who is PLANNING A LIFE FOR US, and making me his wife next year. And of course, I am so excited to one day have him as my husband.

But, the old me would never have given him a chance. He was shorter than what I've dated, he was too nice and normal, he called when he said he would, he showed me he was genuinely interested. He sent me texts messages that annoyed the crap out of me. He called. He showed up.

All the qualities I was DYING for the flashy idiot charismatic yet not-looking-for-marriage to have. If he were doing all of those things, I'd be SMITTEN.

It was then that I realized all of my years (at 41), that I WAS the problem in my singleness. It wasn't that there were no single men wanting to settle down.

It was that I WAS choosing the wrong men, and letting the amazing ones go because I was fixed on a fantasy man that nobody could live up to.

This book slammed that RIGHT into my face, and... Saved my budding relationship with my guy.

Gottlieb's cautionary tale unfolds in waters we all know. Out in the dating jungle, dating the same type of guys over and over with a different name and face.

Finding yourself heartbroken, wanting to quit, yet getting back out there each time.

Her journey with us through her dating landscape is engaging, funny, UNBELIEVABLE, and also - brutally honest.

And that's going to be the hardest part for many of you. Look at the ratings here...

MOST WOMEN CANNOT TAKE THE INFORMATION IN THIS BOOK!

They walk away upset and angry because they are either so duped by the lies told by our feminist culture about dating and marriage that they refuse to see the truth. Or they realize, it's too late. Their sexual market value is low, they need to compete with younger women now, men their age see them as second or third choice, and the idea of "settling" is a hard pill to swallow.

But this ISN'T a book about settling. It's a book about being REALISTIC.

It's a book about how not to make stupid choice about men! About how to choose better based on your NEEDS vs your superficial list (that nobody can actually FULLY fulfill).

Look, I'm lucky. At 41, I'm a former model, a fitness professional (so my body is TIGHT as a 20 year old), and I have no kids. So my dating pool still has/had some great options and choice of men. But even still, I was finding fault with EVERYONE. When I opened my eyes and heart, I found my guy.

He's 4 years older, handsome, fit, loving, kind, protective, a provider, HIGHLY successful and from a good family. He wants marriage and children. He could have chosen A YOUNGER WOMAN, but it's me he wants. And not only that, he sees ME as his forever - as I do him. I almost walked away from that had it not been for this book (and my therapist 🙃 😅).

There is something in YOU that has to change. There is something that YOU need to shift in your path to finding the right man for you. This book will help you to uncover it.

I almost gave it 4 stars because this book, written 12 years ago as of today, was the author's tale and I noticed as I was reading it that she still wasn't married. And so I feared, she still hasn't learned the lesson.

However the last chapter wrapped ALL of that up, and I just stood with a STANDING OVATION for how she tied it all together. And it made sense.

Ladies...

Do yourself a favor.

SWALLOW YOUR PRIDE - AND READ THIS BOOK.

Wake up out of The Matrix, and fix your approach to dating.

Take the blue pill if you want and go back to sleep, wondering why you're still single, can't find a good man, and wondering if you'll just die alone.

The chances are far less if you actually read and apply the principles Gottlieb lays out bare before you!

Good luck!

161 people found this helpful

Helpful

Chau

The GREATEST dating/relationship book you will ever read...

Reviewed in the United States on December 21, 2011

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First off, I HATED the title when I first saw it, "Why the hell should anyone SETTLE in a relationship??? This lady is sending off the WRONG message to everyone!"

But out of curiosity, I ended up buying it.

Fast forward a week later and I had written notes on just about every single page in this book, not to mention 20 extra pages of notes in Word Document. Boy was I wrong.

NOW FOR THE GOOD PARTS!!!

1) She did us all a HUGE service by going out and interviewing all the relationship experts. These people have spent their entire career studying this topic! This is HUGE. It's too easy for anyone to just write a book on relationship without any background or even work. We're talking about an entire person's life's happiness here. You want the best answer.

2) The book is very engaging. I love every part of it. Lori is a great storyteller and there was never a dull moment in this book for me. Every page is a lesson, whether it's a new one or she's adding stories to support it. Some people may think it's repetitive. Sure. You're about to learn the greatest lesson in your life. It's worth drilling it into your head =)

3) She's very transparent. I was surprised at how she revealed so much of the personal conversations with these experts (especially with Evan). I thought - "Why judge a man for his flaws? That's not fair to him." It made her look shallow. Over time, I came to respect her honesty. At the end, I realized why she included those parts. She wanted to show everyone how far she had gone, from the critical journalist to a woman who can appreciate the better side of men. I was so happy for her (I didn't really spoil it for you if you haven't read the book...it's not what you think...)

4) Her case studies of friends and family added a layer of truth and life to the book as well. So it was a perfect blend of dry research + personalize stories.

5) The research on arranged marriages was very fascinating. I've always been very doubtful of arranged marriage. It sounds so unromantic. Plus, how could you spend the rest of your life with someone you don't even love? I was wrong again. On average, arranged couples are actually happier than those who are not. We've got some work to do.

6) The part of divorced couples was one of my favorite sections. Can't tell you this part too...go buy the book and read it. It's worth it ;)

7) And finally, gotta love the online dating section with Evan Katz. It's almost like a practical guide. I've never used online dating before but this really lets me understand what the woman on the other side of the screen is thinking about (live or online for that matter).

In summary, who is this book for? Men and women of all ages. Really. It doesn't matter if you're 20, 40 or 65. This book can change your life if you just look past the title. That's not what it's about at all.

If you're going to date, let this book your go-to book. So that you don't ever make the mistake of missing out on a great guy...again...

Take action now and buy the book. It's like 6 bucks!

Remember...

Every time you tell yourself, "There's just no more good guys" or "I'm not sure if he's The One" or "I rather be alone than to settle!" you're throwing away your life's happiness. This review isn't about me, Lori, or even the book.

It's about what you can do to be happy, fulfilled and find the guy you've been looking for.

Get this book!

8 people found this helpful

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Kano

Highly judgemental

Reviewed in India on May 5, 2024

Verified Purchase

As other reviewers have pointed out, this book does make a good point: don't be picky to the point of ignoring the other good things, like rejecting someone amazing just because he's 5'9 instead of 6'2.

However, it paints singlehood in an incredibly negative light. As if it's inherently just the worst thing you could possibly be. She even compares it to being terminally ill at one point. As if the amount of shame women, let alone single women, face in daily life isn't bad enough. While she keeps *saying* she's not asking you to settle, she really is: she keeps talking about women who said yes to men they weren't even attracted to, or weren't sure about, just because marriage is the only thing in life you should ever want. Not happiness - marriage. Her idea of marriage seems closer to friends with benefits. To that I ask: what's the difference between a friend with benefits and a life partner? Just the commitment? Not your actual feelings?

There's also absolutely no caution about red flags, or acknowledgement that, yes, in many cases, you *should* run for the hills.

While I appreciated the primary point (don't be "too" picky) and the examples given, I think overall this book doesn't help anyone except a minority of people who would actually break up with someone they love because they're blond or don't wear stylish shoes.

Krischell Averion

2 people found this helpful

Akki

Love it !!

Reviewed in Canada on March 13, 2014

Verified Purchase

I found the name for this book on a Blog and was intrigued enough to look up its reviews. What I found made me place an order with amazon right away.

I just love this book ! In so many ways, it makes single girls in their 30's and higher, looking to marry, face up to a few ground realities. This book is nothing if not direct !! And its not easy reading/facing up to it. I ended up reading it piecemeal to absorb/think more. The breath of advice and reasoning seems too logically right to refuse. And though I'm facing the same issues as the author in my dating life (knowing but not being able to overlook stuff that can be labeled "picky"), I am mulling things over!!. I definitely appreciate the message the book carries. It jolted me out of my reverie of "How did/do my girlfriends find guys to say "yes" to so quickly". I now know that I'm a maximizer - wanting nothing less than the best-when the best is not really a reality (for me). Anyhow, if the first step to setting something on course is awareness, there is no better book than this for single women. I would recommend it with all my heart ! The rest, as they say, is up to us and destiny !!

2 people found this helpful

Sonja Meyer

Eye-opener

Reviewed in Germany on June 13, 2014

Verified Purchase

This book is not only a very entertaining and often funny read, it is also a true eye-opener. The author ruthlessly analyzes how she wasted her opportunities to find a good partner by setting her expectations way too high - at over 40, having had a child by means of anonymous sperm donator, she wants to get back into dating but finds her " dating value" to have considerably decreased. Her message is basically for the modern, well-educated woman to drop her often unrealistic preconceptions while she still is attractive to the opposite sex - clearly, a message that many would not like to hear and some feminists would clearly reject, but then again, the truth is not always pleasant. For me, having been through many of the same experiences as the author recalls from her 20s and 30s, the book was a true wake-up call. I read this in my early 30s and it really helped me to reflect on what is really realistic to expect from a relationship, and how I had ruined the basis for many past relationships by sporting a very egotistical and self-centered attitude. I consider myself very emancipated and pro- feminist, but it simply rings true to me that the best years to find a partner are between 20 and 40, particularly for those who want to found a family. I have been single for most of my adult life, the longest relationship I had before reading this book lasted a year. And I can tell from my own experience that I was not doing myself any favour with my egocentrical and uncompromising towards relationships, on the contrary, I could tell I was getting more and more stuck in my own ways the longer I lived as a single, without obligation to anyone else but myself. So this book spoke to me very deeply and at the right moment of my life, as I had already begun to see a need for change. Now I am 37 years old and expecting my first child from a very kind and intelligent man that I have been in a very harmonious relationship with for three and a half years now. Would it have happened the same way without this book? Who knows, maybe so. Maybe I would have had the right intuition to change my expectations without reading this. What I can say though is that I probably would not have been as wise if I had met this mn in my 20s - I would probably have found him too quiet or too young or too whatever back then. Now I just think he's the perfect match for me, and I appreciate all the common grounds we share rather than looking for defects as younger women often do, and I did back in my 20s. It's a good lesson to realize one isn't perfect either and should cut oneself and others some slack. I know I am a lot more balanced for it, and I have since given this book to some of my equally notorious single friends who also seem to have benefitted from it.

14 people found this helpful

Leigh

great read

Reviewed in Australia on April 11, 2014

Verified Purchase

Thanks for such an enlightening book. Lori's sessions with relationship coach Evan endeavouring to find her Stepford Husband are quite hilarious. Her puerile, superficial, self absorbed reasons for objection are the words of a precocious juvenile, lacking any compassionate values or sensitivity...but is so entertaining. Lori repeatedly calls herself intelligent, but obviously Emotional Intelligence doesn't count on her scale. Only glad she had a boy as possibly one day she may see how rejection feels on the other side of the love equation, and perhaps encounter the brand new experience of Empathy!

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