laugh out loud

Thomas Nelson

Contents

Chapter One

I've Never Seen Those Kids Before in My Life!

Laughing Out Loud at Our Children

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going. -PHYLLIS DILLER

High Drama at the Bank carol kent

It was a hot, humid summer day. People were irritable and tired from the heat. My friend Lee was impatiently standing in line at the local bank.

A frazzled woman came up the walk. She was half carrying and half dragging her uncooperative son. He appeared to be about five years old, and he was not enjoying the opportunity of accompanying his mother on this trip to town. With the child in tow, the woman finally managed to make her way through the heavy doors at the entrance of the building.

In full view of all the bank patrons, she set her shopping bags down and, with two hands, lifted her son in the air and carried him to one of the chairs in the waiting area. Exasperated, she plunked him down on the seat as she spoke in a voice that was audible to all: "I have had it with you today! I am never taking you shopping with me again! Don't you dare move until I come back to this spot! Do you understand me?"

The boy was startled enough to take her seriously. He nodded through his tears. All eyes in the bank were on the child as he whimpered, "But, Mom, you broke my-!"

The bank patrons looked aghast! Had this mean mother been so rough on her child that she slammed him into the chair hard enough to cause physical damage? What kind of child abuser was she? Visual daggers were shot in her direction from all parts of the lobby.

At that moment, to the surprise of all judgmental onlookers, the rambunctious child dug his hands into his back pockets and pulled out two totally flattened Ping-Pong balls. -Detours, Tow Trucks, and Angels in Disguise

Okay You Guys kathy peel

As we all know, a seventeen-year-old is smarter than anyone within a fifty-mile radius. Ours thinks one of his God-given duties in life is to inform his less-knowledgeable younger brothers about the hazards of living with an aging, mentally deficient mother. The way he sees it, why tell Aggie jokes when we've got Mom around? He taught them to personalize a few of the latest blonde jokes just for me.

"Want to know how you can tell when Mom's been using her computer?" John astutely asked Joel and James. "There's whiteout on the screen."

After recovering from hysteria, Joel chimed in, "Do you know how to make Mom's eyes sparkle?"

"How?" James asked.

"Shine a flashlight in her ears."

"I love it!" John responded as he caught his breath. "Hey, have you ever wondered if all that mousse Mom uses on her hair is seeping into her brain causing premature senility?"

On that one I burst through the swinging door I'd been hiding behind and snapped, "Okay you guys, read my lips. You're all going to boarding school!" -Do Plastic Surgeons Take VISA?

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell, the name will carry. -BILL COSBY

Kids today don't realize how easy they have it. When I was a kid, we actually had to get out of the car and open the garage door. -JOE HICKMAN

They're Out to Rule the World martha bolton

The kids are taking over. I'm not talking about all the doctors, policemen, politicians, and attorneys who seem to be getting younger and younger each year. I'm talking about children. Real children. More specifically, toddlers. They could be your nieces and nephews, your grandchildren, your neighbors' kids, or in some cases, even your own children. And sure, they seem innocent enough sitting there in their cribs or on the floor playing quietly with their toys, but it's all a ruse. They have an agenda, they're committed, and they've been outsmarting us for years. Everything they do is to advance their plan to take over the world, and it's high time someone blew their cover.

First, I'm not sure how they did it, but somehow these little rug rats have managed to take over the control of our television sets. Instead of watching our favorite news programs or the History Channel, we find ourselves caving in to their desires and watching SpongeBob and Jimmy Neutron for hours on end. Granted, we do get involved in the programs and even catch ourselves laughing out loud sometimes, but has anyone played their theme songs backward to see if they're sending subliminal messages to the adult world?

"You will let me play ball in your house."

"You will take me to Chuck E. Cheese's."

"You will give me an advance on my inheritance."

"You will let me braid your hair in tiny little braids and paint your toenails fluorescent pink."

Who knows what kind of adult brainwashing is going on during these seemingly innocent children's shows?

Phase Two apparently happened while many of us middle-agers were taking naps. These innocent-looking children somehow convinced pharmaceutical companies of the need for our medicine bottles to come with childproof caps. Caps, I might add, that only children can open. Now on the surface, childproofing medicine bottles probably sounded like a great idea, and I do not doubt for a minute that the staff at the FDA had plenty of reputable data to convince the agency to jump on board with the seemingly beneficial plan. But the FDA wasn't looking into the future and seeing where this action was taking us as a society.

"I need my heart medication, Joey," Grandpa says. "Can you come over here and get this blasted thing open for me?"

"Sure, Gramps, as soon as you reveal the password to your safety deposit box."

These children are the same ones who also hide our glasses, car keys, wallets, TV Guide, and then merely giggle, clam up, or speak some kind of gibberish when we try to interrogate them about the missing items.

"Where are my keys, Bobby?"

"Ahgagoga."

"Come on, boy, tell Nana where you put them."

"Dimofogu."

Their resistance to these inquisitions would impress military experts worldwide. Both the FBI and CIA have tried to decipher their secret code, but it's unbreakable.

We're headed for trouble, people.

And who is it that gets the power seat at the dinner table? The "high" chair? (See, even the name sounds commanding.) Who is responsible for that incessant pounding on the metal trays that would make even the toughest grandparent shout out every password to every account he's ever owned? These toddlers, that's who.

Remember the good ol' days when children used to be at the mercy of adults when it came to their mobility? They either rode in a stroller or we carried them. That, too, has changed. These days, kids have their own battery-operated cars to putt around in. They're eighteen months old, and already they know how to drive. What's worse, we're probably the ones they persuaded to buy these vehicles for them.

Which brings us to their incredible business sense. These youngsters are nothing short of financial geniuses. Think about it. They come to our houses selling candy for their schools and youth organizations, then they return on Halloween and take it all back! Has anyone done the math on this?

I'm telling you, world, their hostile takeover has been planned right under our noses, and we've been too blinded by their cuteness to see it. They've been holding high-level security meetings in sandboxes all over the globe. Sure, it all looks like innocent play to us, but it isn't. It's their version of Camp David. Why do you think there's always one child who holds that ear-piercing, high-pitched scream? You think it's a tantrum? I used to think that, too.

These toddlers have their own cell phones, computers, playhouses, and miniature emergency vehicles. What do they need us big people for? They've got almost everything required to run the world on their own.

The most amazing thing about this is how these little ones have managed to get us to run their publicity campaigns for them, and we've been doing it pro bono.

"You wanna see some pictures of the most beautiful grandchild on earth?"

"You think she's beautiful, wait 'til you see my grandbaby!"

All things considered, maybe we're just getting what we deserve. These little ones have been outsmarting us for years, manipulating us with their cute smiles and endearing hugs, while we've merely sat by and allowed it all to happen.

But it's not too late. No matter how cute they are, we cannot continue to roll over and let these kids take over. We can't bury our heads and pretend we don't know what they're up to. It's time we let them know once and for all who's in charge here! It's time we-

Sorry. I had more to say, but a two-year-old in my doctor's waiting room just took my glasses and won't give them back, so I can't see my laptop keys. And so the conspiracy continues ... -Cooking with Hot Flashes

An octogenarian was interviewed by a local newspaper reporter. "Do you have a lot of great-grandchildren?" the reporter asked.

"To tell the truth," confessed the matriarch, "I expect they're all pretty ordinary." -AUTHOR UNKNOWN

Never raise your hand to your children; it leaves your midsection unprotected. -ROBERT ORBEN

If I've told the kids once, I've told them a hundred times, "Don't give the dog a bath in the dishwasher!" I have to admit, though, he does come out virtually spotless. -JOE HICKMAN

Insanity is hereditary: You can get it from your children. -SAM LEVINSON

K. C. and the Ark carol kent

We headed for Sunday school. My sister Joy and her family were visiting us for the weekend, and we bundled the kids up and jumped into the car. My nephew K. C. was in kindergarten and, when we got to church, he decided he was brave enough to visit the class for his age group, even though he didn't know anybody in Aunt Carol's church. I was relieved to find out my good friend Marilyn would be his teacher. I knew K. C. would be in good hands.

An hour later the Sunday school classes were dismissed, and we picked up K. C. Later, as we stood in the lobby following the church service, Marilyn tapped on my shoulder and whispered, "Does your nephew live on a farm?" I was surprised by the question.

"Yes," I said. "My sister and her husband are renting a little farm and felt it would be good experience for the children to raise a couple of goats and some chickens. K. C. has daily chores with the animals. Why do you ask?"

Marilyn smiled. "I thought so," she said.

Marilyn had been teaching the story of Noah's ark. She painstakingly explained to the children how large the ark was and that two of every kind of animal got on this big boat before the Great Flood. Then she explained how long they were on the ark before they landed on top of Mount Ararat.

K. C.'s eyes got bigger and bigger. As Marilyn finished the story, she asked, "Does anybody have a question?"

K. C.'s hand shot up in the air. Fresh from his personal experience with animals and farm chores, he did have a question! "Teacher," he said intensely, "what I want to know is who had to clean up all that poop?"

A good question! -Detours, Tow Trucks, and Angels in Disguise

Fascinating Wisdom I Learned from Noah and His Ark author unknown

1. Don't miss the boat.

2. Don't forget that we're all in the same boat.

3. Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.

4. Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone might ask you to do something REALLY BIG.

5. Don't listen to critics; just get on with what has to be done.

6. Build your future on high ground.

7. For safety's sake, travel in pairs.

8. Speed isn't always an advantage; the snails were on board with the cheetahs.

9. When you're stressed, float awhile.

10. Remember that the ark was built by amateurs, and the Titanic was built by professionals.

11. No matter the storm, when you're with God there's a rainbow waiting.

12. Remember that woodpeckers inside are more of a threat than the storm outside.

College-Bound Kids Empty Our Nest marti attoun

With two kids moving into college dorms, I'm feeling weepy and looking as pathetic as the "Homeless Pet of the Week."

It's not empty-nest syndrome. It's the larval stage of another affliction: plundered-nest syndrome. My daughter packed up the only hair dryer, hair curlers, and hand mirror in the house. I have a unibrow, but no tweezers. I have a bleak pallor, but no blush.

Every time I look around, I miss my grown-up kids-or my alarm clock, spare hangers, AA batteries, calculator, laundry detergent, or stash of Dr. Pepper.

I should have prepared for this. I should have bought the 24-pack of toilet paper on sale for $4.99. I should have socked away a spare toenail clipper. I should have known my duo would pack in laundry baskets and leave me wandering around the house with armloads of unfolded clothes.

"Is this the best we can do for towels?" their father asked as he used a bleach-bitten scrap from my arms.

I nodded toward the paper towels.

"Get used to it," I said. "Your sock drawer has been liquidated, too."

An eerie quiet swamps the house. That's because our son took one TV, and our daughter took the other, leaving us with a crotchety black-and-white with rabbit ears. It can't hold a channel, but makes a dandy flat surface for holding other stuff, such as laundry.

It's amazing what simple acts can trigger the pangs of plundered-nest syndrome. For example: having to substitute a pair of underwear for a missing shower cap, or having to thread an ugly orange extension cord through two rooms to substitute for the missing power strip.

As I replenish the nest with microwave-safe dishes, spare pillows, and such, I remind myself that time will ease the sting of plundered-nest syndrome.

I hope it happens before the little darlings pop back home for a visit and find something else-such as the coffee pot or this computer-to cart away.

Mom, It's Catherine author unknown

A teenaged girl had to stay at her girlfriend's overnight. She was unable to call her parents until the next morning.

"Mom, it's Catherine. I'm fine. My car broke down last night, and by the time I got to Julie's house it was well past midnight. I knew it was too late to call. Please don't be mad at me!"

By now, the woman at the other end of the phone realized the caller had the wrong number. "I'm sorry," she said, "I don't have a daughter named Catherine."

"Oh, Mom, come on! I didn't think you'd be this mad!"

If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either. -DICK CAVETT

It goes like this: The first child with a bloody nose is rushed to the emergency room. The fifth child with a bloody nose is told to go to the yard immediately and stop bleeding on the carpet. -ART LINKLETTER

(Continues...)

Excerpted from laugh out loudby Sheila Walsh Copyright © 2008 by Thomas Nelson. Excerpted by permission.
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