Digital List Price:	$23.99
Kindle Price:	$2.99 Save $21.00 (88%)
Sold by:	Amazon.com Services LLC

Promotions apply when you purchase

Read with our free app

You've subscribed to ! We will preorder your items within 24 hours of when they become available. When new books are released, we'll charge your default payment method for the lowest price available during the pre-order period.

Update your device or payment method, cancel individual pre-orders or your subscription at
Your Memberships & Subscriptions

There was an error. We were unable to process your subscription due to an error. Please refresh and try again.

Follow the author

Deborah Tannen

+ Follow

More books from this author

That's Not What I Meant!: How Conversational Style Makes or Breaks Relationships Kindle Edition

by Deborah Tannen (Author) Format: Kindle Edition

4.6 506 ratings

Quality issues reported

See all formats and editions

At home, on the job, in a personal relationship, it's often not what you say but how you say it that counts.

Deborah Tannen revolutionized our thinking about relationships between women and men in her #1 bestseller You Just Don't Understand. In That's Not What I Meant!, the internationally renowned sociolinguist and expert on communication demonstrates how our conversational signals—voice level, pitch and intonation, rhythm and timing, even the simple turns of phrase we choose—are powerful factors in the success or failure of any relationship. Regional speech characteristics, ethnic and class backgrounds, age, and individual personality all contribute to diverse conversational styles that can lead to frustration and misplaced blame if ignored—but provide tools to improve relationships if they are understood.

At once eye-opening, astute, and vastly entertaining, Tannen's classic work on interpersonal communication will help you to hear what isn't said and to recognize how your personal conversational style meshes or clashes with others. It will give you a new understanding of communication that will enable you to make the adjustments that can save a conversation . . . or a relationship.

Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

Part pop psychology, part sociology and part anthropology, this book by a linguistics professor at Georgetown University focuses on the uncomfortable moments when a conversation inexplicably breaks down, and suggests how such awkwardness can be avoided. Noting that there exist a plethora of books on public speaking, Tannen instead considers "private speaking," and particularly the "metamessages" we transmitwhat we say, our attitude toward those we speak with, and the specific occasioninvolving such elements as loudness, pitch and intonation. Using scenarios that illustrate communication gaps, Tannen also attempts to show readers how to save their marriages and triumph in job interviews. BOMC alternate. January 17
Copyright 1985 Reed Business Information, Inc.

From Library Journal

Tannen, whose field is cross-cultural linguistics, focuses on conversational style rather than psychological content, and explains why good intentions are not enough. We begin all conversations with some expectation of how they will progress. If our expectations differ, unexpected responses seem irrational, and we may accuse each other of being deliberately obstructive. She emphasizes that there are no right or wrong ways to converse, only ways which work or don't work. By recognizing differences in style, and learning to work with them rather than against them, we can avoid misunderstanding. Tannen's writing is lively, she states her case clearly, and provides a fresh look at a subject which concerns us all. Recommended for popular collections. Margaret B. Allen, formerly with Bennington Free Lib., Vt.
Copyright 1986 Reed Business Information, Inc.

From the Publisher

Actually, this title caught my eye because it sounds like something I might say. Sometimes I
will make a totally outrageous comment in such a matter-of-fact way that people are completely
taken aback; other times my tone will convey a harshness I absolutely didn't intend, which can
lead to hurt feelings and frustration all around. And though at times I can shrug it off and say
that the world simply isn't ready for my sense of humor, I also had been increasingly aware of
the need to refine my communication style. THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT! has definitely helped me
begin to assess how I can better do that. It has shown me how I use unclear language to protect
myself and offers simple, straightforward alternatives so that I can get my point across more
effectively. It's also very enlightening in its explanations of why I find myself reacting
negatively to the subtleties of others' speech. A fascinating, invaluable tool.

Laurie Kahn, Associate Managing Editor

From the Inside Flap

Often it's not what you say, but how you say it, that counts. Deborah Tannen, the internationally-acclaimed expert on communication and author of the bestselling YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND, will help you recognize your own conversational style and how it meshes or clashes with the styles of others. Entertaining and informative, everyone who speaks will want to read this gem.

From the Back Cover

At home, on the job, in a personal relationship, it's often not what you say but how you say it that counts.

Deborah Tannen revolutionized our thinking about relationships between women and men in her #1 bestseller You Just Don't Understand. In That's Not What I Meant!, the internationally renowned sociolinguist and expert on communication demonstrates how our conversational signals—voice level, pitch and intonation, rhythm and timing, even the simple turns of phrase we choose—are powerful factors in the success or failure of any relationship. Regional speech characteristics, ethnic and class backgrounds, age, and individual personality all contribute to diverse conversational styles that can lead to frustration and misplaced blame if ignored—but provide tools to improve relationships if they are understood.

At once eye-opening, astute, and vastly entertaining, Tannen's classic work on interpersonal communication will help you to hear what isn't said and to recognize how your personal conversational style meshes or clashes with others. It will give you a new understanding of communication that will enable you to make the adjustments that can save a conversation . . . or a relationship.

About the Author

Deborah Tannen is Professor of Linguistics at Georgetown University in Washington, D.C. Her books include the New York Times bestsellers You Just Don't Understand, You're Wearing THAT?, Talking from 9 to 5, and You Were Always Mom's Favorite!. She has written for and been featured in numerous major newspapers and magazines, including the New York Times, Newsweek, USA Today, the Washington Post, and Time.

Product details

ASIN ‏ : ‎ B007OWRB6I
Publisher ‏ : ‎ Harper Perennial; Reissue, Reprint edition (April 23, 2013)
Publication date ‏ : ‎ April 23, 2013
Language ‏ : ‎ English
File size ‏ : ‎ 1304 KB
Text-to-Speech ‏ : ‎ Enabled
Screen Reader ‏ : ‎ Supported
Enhanced typesetting ‏ : ‎ Enabled
X-Ray ‏ : ‎ Enabled
Word Wise ‏ : ‎ Enabled
Sticky notes ‏ : ‎ On Kindle Scribe
Print length ‏ : ‎ 228 pages

Best Sellers Rank: #179,047 in Kindle Store (See Top 100 in Kindle Store)
- #169 in Mate Seeking (Kindle Store)
- #202 in Interpersonal Relations (Kindle Store)
- #635 in Personal Transformation

Customer Reviews:
4.6 506 ratings

Brief content visible, double tap to read full content.

Full content visible, double tap to read brief content.

Videos

Help others learn more about this product by uploading a video!

Upload your video

About the author

Follow authors to get new release updates, plus improved recommendations.

Deborah Tannen

Brief content visible, double tap to read full content.

Full content visible, double tap to read brief content.

Deborah Tannen is the author of You Just Don't Understand, which was on the New York Times bestseller list for nearly four years including eight months as #1, and has been translated into 31 languages. Her books You're Wearing THAT?: Understanding Mothers and Daughters in Conversation and You Were Always Mom's Favorite!: Sisters in Conversation Throughout Their Lives were also New York Times bestsellers. Talking from 9 to 5: Women and Men at Work was a New York Times business best seller; I Only Say This Because I Love You: Talking to Your Parents, Partner, Sibs and Kids When You're All Adults won the Books for a Better Life Award; and The Argument Culture: Stopping America's War of Words received the Common Ground Book Award. Her most recent book is Finding My Father: His Century-Long Journey from World War I Warsaw and My Quest to Follow. She has written for and been featured in newspapers and magazines such as The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, The Washington Post, USA Today, Time, and Newsweek. She appears frequently on TV and radio, including such shows as The Colbert Report, 20/20, The Oprah Winfrey Show, Nightline, Today, Good Morning America, and NPR's Morning Edition and All Things Considered. She is University Professor and Professor of Linguistics at Georgetown University, and has been McGraw Distinguished Lecturer at Princeton University. She lives with her husband in the Washington, D.C., area.

Customer reviews

4.6 out of 5

506 global ratings

How customer reviews and ratings work

Sort reviews by

Top reviews from the United States

There was a problem filtering reviews right now. Please try again later.

Kelli K. Carrington

Entertaining, Educational, Valuable

Reviewed in the United States on January 3, 2013

Verified Purchase

I absolutely loved this book from the first page. It's highly relevant to pretty much everyone, and has great examples put into situational context. Tannen does a wonderful job of providing clear, understandable information, in a witty and entertaining tone. This book helps the reader to understand how sometimes what we assume to be horrible misunderstandings are simply differences in how we communicate; even the slightest gesture can come across all wrong, and spiral a conversation out of control. After reading this book, I am much more aware, and this awareness has given me a curiosity to discover the communication styles of all my friends and family (probably much to their chagrin). It's a great read, both entertaining and useful, and I would highly recommend it.

One person found this helpful

Helpful

Lastopranch

Tired of saying "That's Not What I Meant!"?

Reviewed in the United States on October 17, 2015

Verified Purchase

This book is incredible... after sitting in meetings that ended in great misunderstandings and lots of finger pointing and name calling, I told the
group I had a book for them to read. At least one took it to heart and read the book and maybe one other skimmed the book but now the meet-
ings are respectful and thoughtful most of the time. Until one learns about framing what they are saying ... confusion, hurt and angered feelings will be apart of the conversation. If you have trouble being understood, please read Deborah Tannen's book. You will never have to say, "That's Not What I Meant!"

2 people found this helpful

Helpful

K. Matheny

A Must-Read for Anyone

Reviewed in the United States on April 25, 2009

Verified Purchase

That's Not What I Meant! Is a must read for anyone, whether you are gregarious and get along with everyone or if you are constantly at the center of disagreements.

This isn't a how to book to solve all your conversational woes. Honestly, I would never expect something so simple as a step-by-step guide for something as complex as conversation. Considering that, Deborah Tannen does an excellent job of showing just how complex a simple conversation can be and how things can go wrong despite everyone's best intentions.

This is the only one of Deborah Tannen's books that I have read. And it is the perfect mix of all relevant conversations that most people encounter in their lives. From talking with teenagers to business conversations to gripes from long-time spouses.

The result of reading this book has especially helped me feel more comfortable about my conversation skills. Before I read this book, I thought I was the only one that was no good at getting my intentions across clearly, but now that I have learned that confusion is inevitable I finally believe everyone that has said that I'm actually pretty normal and surprisingly flexible in my style (most likely because I was so hard on myself before). It also gave me some ideas on how to better get along with some of the people that I previously thought were too pushy or quiet etc.

I just finished this book for the first time(I'm planning on reading it again) and I am still absorbing much of the content. But I already feel as if I have gained a new understanding of the past misconceptions-turned-verbal-fights that I have had with friends and family. I'm planning on giving it to my parent's to read (their conversational styles are very different and they get into a lot of needless bickering matches because of it).

I think this book is a great step into metacognition (thinking about thinking) and becoming more introspective (Looking inside yourself) for the purpose of being conscious of things that are subconscious and that you take for granted.

11 people found this helpful

Helpful

Alex

Solid light read on cross-cultural communications - theories are sometimes too broad and loose

Reviewed in the United States on November 26, 2015

Verified Purchase

As someone who has deeply studied linguistics and who has been lectured by Tannen and her protégés, I think that this book a great high-level book about cross-cultural communication. Tannen's writing is clear, easy to follow, and makes for a great light reading; her style also is able to capture more complex linguistic theories (e.g. pragmatics and discourse analysis) succinctly and present them in a publicly digestible manner. I would definitely recommend this book to anyone who shows interest in cross-cultural communications.

That said, I feel like Tannen bases her theories a little too firmly on anecdotal evidence, whether those experiences be hers or her friends'/students'. In addition, her theories can be too high-level and loose. Finally, I think she could have done a better job at explaining her notions of positive and negative face, as well as how those can play out in social situations.

19 people found this helpful

Helpful

Andrea Paul

Excellent book- pertains to communication in every area of life

Reviewed in the United States on April 25, 2016

Verified Purchase

My title says it all. What's especially relevant to me is that I've had a traumatic brain injury & have residual deficits with expressing myself clearly so that the person with whom I'm communicating understands the intent of my message. This has been an ongoing issue. The book is easy to read, understand & put into practice. It has already helped me with more clearly communicating the intent of my message so the other person understands what I'm truly trying to communicate correctly. I'm certainly not perfect & will have to be continuously mindful of what I'm learning in this book for the rest of my life (due to my traumatic brain injury), but others have noticed an improvement in the clarity of the messages I'm trying to communicate. I'm very thankful for the help this book is giving me as a person who has been misunderstood many times (sadly, to my disadvantage) due to the permanent damage I've encountered to the area of my brain responsible for communication. If this book has helped me, one who has had a traumatic brain injury, I can only imagine how it would tremendously help anyone who has not encountered a traumatic brain injury.

24 people found this helpful

Helpful

Elysia Howard

Great read.

Reviewed in the United States on January 9, 2023

Verified Purchase

Such a great perspective on men/women communication styles.

2 people found this helpful

Helpful

Top reviews from other countries

Andy Fairchild

Great way to learn how to talk to teens

Reviewed in Canada on March 12, 2023

Verified Purchase

I am using this book in our small group on how to raise teenagers. Those of us in the group are all learning how to talk to teens even though some of us have adult children. My wife and I have 9 children, the youngest is 16, but I recommend this book wholeheartedly.

It is a little annoying that the editor/author interchanges "he" and "she" to represent humanity, instead of using "them" or "they". For example, instead of saying "Sometimes teenagers feel annoyed. They are ....." the editor/author will say, "Sometimes teenagers feel annoyed. She is..." or "Sometimes teenagers feel annoyed. He is...." Really? Why not just refer to them as "they" or "them"?

Kevin & Sarah Arrow

Poor quality physical book

Reviewed in the United Kingdom on March 4, 2017

Verified Purchase

The quality of the physical book is so poor that I can't even read it. Disapointed as I feel that the communication aspect has been let down by the packaging. If there's a Kindle version, read that.
I can't comment on the quality as the paper is so shoddy and the font is just urgh, it truly spoils what could be a very impactful book

sy

Five Stars

Reviewed in India on December 31, 2015

Verified Purchase

Wish i have read this book at lot earlier... :)
Short and Crisp. Bang on to the point

★★★

If you read this, you can find out interesting examples!!

Reviewed in Japan on July 31, 2009

Verified Purchase

I read this book for the first time in 10 years, and it really inspired my curiosity. You can see how misunderstandings would happen and analyses of examples.

If you are taking entrance exams for universities or colleges, you should read this!! Many universities such as Ritsumeikan cite the passages.

One person found this helpful

Ken Power

An Enlightenment in Relationship Communication Dynamics

Reviewed in Canada on April 6, 2023

Verified Purchase

Truly an eye and heart opening perspective on the underpinnings of communication challenges and dynamics.
A sensitizing view on how differing conversational styles can impact our perception on relationships, people, and communication.

Buy for others

Buying and sending eBooks to others

Follow the author

Image Unavailable

That's Not What I Meant!: How Conversational Style Makes or Breaks Relationships Kindle Edition

Customers who bought this item also bought

Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

From Library Journal

From the Publisher

From the Inside Flap

From the Back Cover

About the Author

Product details

Videos

About the author

Deborah Tannen

Customer reviews

Top reviews from the United States

There was a problem filtering reviews right now. Please try again later.

Top reviews from other countries