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A Mother's Reckoning: Living in the Aftermath of Tragedy Kindle Edition

by Sue Klebold (Author), Andrew Solomon (Introduction) Format: Kindle Edition

6,947 ratings

Editors' pick Best Biographies & Memoirs

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The acclaimed New York Times bestseller by Sue Klebold, mother of one of the Columbine shooters, about living in the aftermath of Columbine.

On April 20, 1999, Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold walked into Columbine High School in Littleton, Colorado. Over the course of minutes, they would kill twelve students and a teacher and wound twenty-four others before taking their own lives.

For the last sixteen years, Sue Klebold, Dylan’s mother, has lived with the indescribable grief and shame of that day. How could her child, the promising young man she had loved and raised, be responsible for such horror? And how, as his mother, had she not known something was wrong? Were there subtle signs she had missed? What, if anything, could she have done differently?

These are questions that Klebold has grappled with every day since the Columbine tragedy. In A Mother’s Reckoning, she chronicles with unflinching honesty her journey as a mother trying to come to terms with the incomprehensible. In the hope that the insights and understanding she has gained may help other families recognize when a child is in distress, she tells her story in full, drawing upon her personal journals, the videos and writings that Dylan left behind, and on countless interviews with mental health experts.

Filled with hard-won wisdom and compassion, A Mother’s Reckoning is a powerful and haunting book that sheds light on one of the most pressing issues of our time. And with fresh wounds from the Newtown and Charleston shootings, never has the need for understanding been more urgent.

All author profits from the book will be donated to research and to charitable organizations focusing on mental health issues.

— Washington Post, Best Memoirs of 2016

Editorial Reviews

Review

“…[U]nimaginably detailed, raw, minute-by-minute, illuminating, and just plain gripping. It's also the most extraordinary testament--to honesty, love, pain, doubt, and resilience.… This book is nothing less than a public service. I beseech you to read it.”
– Bruce Feiller

“As people read Sue’s memoir, what they will find is that her book is honest, and her pain genuine. Her story may be uncomfortable to read, but it will raise awareness about brain health and the importance of early identification and intervention to maintain it. If people listen to her – to all that she has experienced, and to how this has changed her – they will be quicker to respond to depression in young people, to the suicidal thinking that can accompany it, and to the rage that can build almost unnoticed in young people when the people who truly and completely love and care for them are distracted by other challenges in life.”
—Paul Gionfriddo, President and CEO of Mental Health America

“Required reading for all parents of adolescents...soul-piercingly honest, written with bravery and intelligence... A book of nobility and importance.” –The Times

“Reading this book as a critic is hard; reading it as a parent is devastating….I imagine snippets of my own young children in Dylan Klebold, shades of my parenting in Sue and Tom. I suspect that many families will find their own parallels….This book’s insights are painful and necessary and its contradictions inevitable.”
—Carlos Lozada, The Washington Post

“[Sue Klebold’s book] reads as if she had written it under oath, while trying to answer, honestly and completely, an urgent question: What could a parent have done to prevent this tragedy?…
She earns our pity, our empathy and, often, our admiration; and yet the book’s ultimate purpose is to serve as a cautionary tale, not an exoneration.”
—The New York Times Book Review

“[T]he parenting book everyone should read.”
—Parents.com

“I believe Sue Klebold. So will you.”
—LA Times

“At times her story is so chilling you want to turn away, but Klebold’s compassion and honesty –and realization that parents and institutions must work to discover kids’ hidden suffering-will keep you riveted.”
—People.com

“This book which can be tough to read in places is an important one. It helps us arrive at a new understanding of how Columbine happened and, in the process, may help avert other tragedies.” Rated: A.
—Entertainment Weekly

About the Author

Andrew Solomon is a professor of psychology at Columbia University, president of PEN American Center, and a regular contributor to The New Yorker, NPR, and The New York Times Magazine. A lecturer and activist, he is the author of Far and Away: Essays from the Brink of Change: Seven Continents, Twenty-Five Years; the National Book Critics Circle Award-winner Far from the Tree: Parents, Children, and the Search for Identity, which has won thirty additional national awards; and The Noonday Demon; An Atlas of Depression, which won the 2001 National Book Award, was a finalist for the Pulitzer Prize, and has been published in twenty-four languages. He has also written a novel, A Stone Boat, which was a finalist for the Los Angeles Times First Fiction Award and The Irony Tower: Soviet Artists in a Time of Glasnost. His TED talks have been viewed over ten million times. He lives in New York and London and is a dual national. For more information, visit the author's website at AndrewSolomon.com

Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.

Chapter 1

“There’s Been a Shooting at Columbine High School”

April 20, 1999, 12:05 p.m.

I was in my office in downtown Denver, getting ready to leave for a meeting about college scholarships for students with disabilities, when I noticed the red message light on my desk phone flashing.

I checked, on the off chance my meeting had been canceled, but the message was from my husband, Tom, his voice tight, ragged, urgent.

“Susan—this is an emergency! Call me back immediately!”

He didn’t say anything more. He didn’t have to: I knew just from the sound of his voice that something had happened to one of our boys.

It felt as if it took hours for my shaking fingers to dial our home phone number. Panic crashed over me like a wave; my heart pounded in my ears. Our youngest son, Dylan, was at school; his older brother, Byron, was at work. Had there been an accident?

Tom picked up and immediately yelled: “Listen to the television!” But I couldn’t make out any distinct words. It terrified me that whatever had happened was big enough to be on TV. My fear, seconds earlier, of a car wreck suddenly seemed tame. Were we at war? Was the country under attack?

“What’s happening?” I screamed into the receiver. There was only static and indecipherable television noise on the other end. Tom came back on the line, finally, but my ordinarily steadfast husband sounded like a madman. The scrambled words pouring out of him in staccato bursts made no sense: “gunman . . . shooter . . . school.”

I struggled to understand what Tom was telling me: Nate, Dylan’s best friend, had called Tom’s home office minutes before to ask, “Is Dylan home?” A call like that in the middle of the school day would have been alarming enough, but the reason for Nate’s call was every parent’s worst nightmare come to life: gunmen were shooting at people at Columbine High School, where Dylan was a senior.

There was more: Nate had said the shooters had been wearing black trench coats, like the one we’d bought for Dylan.

“I don’t want to alarm you,” he’d said to Tom. “But I know all the kids who wear black coats, and the only ones I can’t find are Dylan and Eric. They weren’t in bowling this morning, either.”

Tom’s voice was hoarse with fear as he told me he’d hung up with Nate and ripped the house apart looking for Dylan’s trench coat, irrationally convinced that if he could find it, Dylan was fine. But the coat was gone, and Tom was frantic.

“I’m coming home,” I said, panic numbing my spine. We hung up without saying good-bye.

Helplessly fighting for composure, I asked a coworker to cancel my meeting. Leaving the office, I found my hands shaking so uncontrollably that I had to steady my right hand with my left in order to press the button for my floor in the elevator. My fellow passengers were cheerfully chatting with one another on the way out to lunch. I explained my strange behavior by saying, “There’s been a shooting at Columbine High School. I have to go home and make sure my son’s okay.” A colleague offered to drive me home. Unable to speak further, I shook my head.

As I got into the car, my mind raced. It didn’t occur to me to turn on the radio; I was barely keeping the car safely on the road as it was. My one constant thought, as I drove the twenty-six miles to our home: Dylan is in danger.

Paroxysms of fear clutched at my chest as I sifted again and again through the same jagged fragments of information. The coat could be anywhere, I told myself: in Dylan’s locker or in his car. Surely a teenager’s missing coat didn’t mean anything. Yet my sturdy, dependable husband had sounded close to hysterical; I’d never heard him like that before.

The drive felt like an eternity, like I was traveling in slow motion, although my mind spun at lightning speed and my heart pounded in my ears. I kept trying to put the pieces of the puzzle together so it would come out okay, but there was little comfort to be found in the meager facts I had, and I knew I’d never recover if anything happened to Dylan.

As I drove, I talked out loud to myself and burst into uncontrollable sobs. Analytic by nature, I tried to talk myself down: I didn’t have enough information yet. Columbine High School was enormous, with more than two thousand students. Just because Nate hadn’t been able to find Dylan in the chaos didn’t necessarily mean our son was hurt or dead. I had to stop allowing Tom’s panic to infect me. Even as terror continued to roll over me in waves, I told myself we were probably freaking out unnecessarily, as any parent of an unaccounted-for child would in the same situation. Maybe no one was hurt. I was going to walk into our kitchen to find Dylan raiding our fridge, ready to tease me for overreacting.

I nonetheless couldn’t stop my mind from careening from one terrible scenario to another. Tom had said there were gunmen in the school. Palms sweaty on the wheel, I shook my head as if Tom were there to see. Gunmen! Maybe no one knew where Dylan was because he had been shot. Maybe he was lying injured or dead in the school building—trapped, unable to get word to us. Maybe he was being held hostage. The thought was so awful I could barely breathe.

But there was, too, a nagging tug at my stomach. I’d frozen in fear when I heard Tom mention Eric Harris. The one time Dylan had been in serious trouble, he’d been with Eric. I shook my head again. Dylan had always been a playful, loving child, and he’d grown into an even-tempered, sensible adolescent. He’d learned his lesson, I reassured myself. He wouldn’t allow himself to get drawn into something stupid a second time.

Along with the dozens of other frightening scenarios whirling through my fevered brain, I wondered if the horror unfolding at the school might not be an innocently planned senior prank, spun terribly out of hand.

One thing was for sure: Dylan couldn’t possibly have a gun. Tom and I were so adamantly anti-gun, we were considering moving away from Colorado because the laws were changing, making it easier to carry concealed firearms. No matter how hideously ill-conceived the stunt, there was no way Dylan would ever have gotten involved with something involving a real gun, even as a joke.

And so it went, for twenty-six long miles. One minute I was awash with images of Dylan hurt, wounded, crying out for help, and then I’d be flooded with happier snapshots: Dylan as a boy, blowing out his birthday candles; squealing with happy pleasure as he rode the plastic slide with his brother into the wading pool in the backyard. They say your life flashes before you when you die, but on that car ride home, it was my son’s life flashing before me, like a movie reel—each precious frame both breaking my heart and filling me with desperate hope.

That hellish ride home was the first step in what would become a lifetime’s work of coming to terms with the impossible.

• • •

When I arrived home, my panic kicked into an even higher gear. Tom told me what he knew in spotty bursts: shooters at the school, Dylan and Eric still unaccounted for. Whatever was happening was serious. He’d called our older son, Byron, who’d said he would leave work and come to us immediately.

Tom and I raced around the house like demented wind-up toys, flooded with adrenaline, unable to stop or to complete a task. Our wide-eyed pets crouched in the corners, alarmed.

Tom was single-minded in his focus on the missing coat, but I was personally confounded by Nate saying Dylan had missed bowling. He’d left the house that morning with more than enough time to get there; he’d said good-bye as he left. Thinking about it, I found myself haunted by the peculiar nature of that farewell.

That morning, the morning of April 20, my alarm had gone off before first light. As I dressed for work, I watched the clock. Knowing how much Dylan hated to get up early, Tom and I had tried to talk him out of signing up for a 6:15 a.m. bowling class. But Dylan prevailed. It would be fun, he said: he loved bowling, and some of his friends were taking the class. Throughout the semester, he’d done a good job of getting himself to the alley on time—not a perfect record, but nearly. Still, I needed to keep an eye on the time. No matter how dutifully he set his alarm, on bowling mornings Dylan usually needed an extra call-out from me at the bottom of the stairs to get him out of bed.

But on the morning of April 20, I was still getting dressed when I heard Dylan bounding heavily down the stairs, past our closed bedroom door on the main floor. It surprised me that he was up and dressed so early without prompting. He was moving quickly and seemed to be in a hurry to leave, though he had plenty of time to sleep a little more.

We always coordinated our plans for the day, so I opened the bedroom door and leaned out. “Dyl?” I called. The rest of the house was too dark for me to see anything, but I heard the front door open. Out of the blackness, his voice sharp and decisive, I heard my son yell, “Bye,” and then the front door shut firmly behind him. He was gone before I could even turn on the hallway light.

Unsettled by the exchange, I turned back to the bed and woke Tom. There had been an edge to Dylan’s voice in that single word I’d never heard before—a sneer, almost, as if he’d been caught in the middle of a fight with someone.

It wasn’t the first sign we’d had that week to indicate Dylan was under some stress. Two days before, on Sunday, Tom had asked me: “Have you noticed Dylan’s voice lately? The pitch of it is tight and higher than usual.” Tom gestured toward his vocal cords with his thumb and middle finger. “His voice goes up like that when he’s tense. I think something may be bothering him.” Tom’s instincts about the boys had always been excellent, and we agreed to sit down with Dylan to see if something was on his mind. It certainly made sense that Dylan would be feeling some anxiety as his high school graduation loomed. Three weeks before, we’d gone to visit his first-choice college, the University of Arizona. Though Dylan was highly independent, leaving the state for school would be a big adjustment for a kid who’d never been away from home.

But I was unsettled by the tight quality I’d heard in Dylan’s voice when he said good-bye, and it bugged me that he hadn’t stopped to share his plans for the day. We hadn’t yet had the chance to sit down and talk with him, as Dylan had spent most of the weekend with various friends. “I think you were right on Sunday,” I told my sleepy husband. “Something is bothering Dylan.”

From bed, Tom reassured me. “I’ll talk to him as soon as he gets home.” Because Tom worked from home, the two of them usually shared the sports section and had a snack together when Dylan got back from school. I relaxed and continued to get ready for work as usual, relieved to know that by the time I arrived home, Tom would know if something was bothering Dylan.

In the wake of Nate’s phone call, though, as I stood in our kitchen trying to piece together the fragments of information we had, I felt chilled by the memory of the nasty, hard flatness in Dylan’s voice as he’d said good-bye that morning, and the fact that he’d left early but hadn’t made it to class. I’d figured he was meeting someone early for coffee—maybe even to talk through whatever was bugging him. But if he hadn’t made it to bowling, then where on earth had he been?

The bottom didn’t fall out from my world until the telephone rang, and Tom ran into the kitchen to answer it. It was a lawyer. My fears so far had been dominated by the possibility that Dylan was in danger—that either he’d been physically hurt or done something stupid, something that would get him into trouble. Now I understood that Tom’s fears also included something for which Dylan could need a lawyer.

Dylan had gotten into trouble with Eric in his junior year. The episode had given us the shock of our lives: our well-mannered, organized kid, the kid we’d never had to worry about, had broken into a parked van and stolen some video equipment. As a result, Dylan had been put on probation. He’d completed a Diversion program, which allowed him to avoid any criminal charges. In fact, he’d graduated early from the course—an unusual occurrence, we were told—and with glowing praise from the counselor.

Everyone had told us not to make too much of the incident: Dylan was a good kid, and even the best teenage boys have been known to make colossally stupid mistakes. But we’d also been warned that a single misstep, even shaving cream on a banister, would mean a felony charge and jail time. And so, at the first indication that Dylan might be in trouble, Tom had contacted a highly recommended defense attorney. While part of me was incredulous that Tom imagined Dylan could be involved in whatever was happening at the school, another part of me felt grateful. In spite of Tom’s worry, he’d had the foresight to be proactive.

I was still miles away from the idea that people might actually be hurt, or that they’d been hurt by my son’s hand. I was simply worried that Dylan, in the service of some dumb practical joke, might have jeopardized his future by carelessly throwing away the second chance he’d been given with the successful completion of his Diversion program.

The call, of course, brought much, much worse news. The lawyer Tom had contacted, Gary Lozow, had reached out to the sheriff’s office. He was calling back to tell Tom the unthinkable was now confirmed. Although reports were still wildly contradictory, there was no doubt something terrible involving gunmen was happening at Columbine High School. The district attorney’s office had confirmed to Gary Lozow that they suspected Dylan was one of the gunmen. The police were on their way to our home.

Product details

ASIN ‏ : ‎ B01208WN3G
Publisher ‏ : ‎ Crown; Reprint edition (February 15, 2016)
Publication date ‏ : ‎ February 15, 2016
Language ‏ : ‎ English
File size ‏ : ‎ 4.9 MB
Text-to-Speech ‏ : ‎ Enabled
Screen Reader ‏ : ‎ Supported
Enhanced typesetting ‏ : ‎ Enabled
X-Ray ‏ : ‎ Enabled
Word Wise ‏ : ‎ Enabled
Print length ‏ : ‎ 319 pages

Best Sellers Rank: #167,333 in Kindle Store (See Top 100 in Kindle Store)
- #115 in Death & Grief (Kindle Store)
- #123 in Coping with Suicide Grief
- #490 in Grief & Bereavement

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Andrew Solomon
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Andrew Solomon is a professor of psychology at Columbia University, president of PEN American Center, and a regular contributor to The New Yorker, NPR, and The New York Times Magazine. A lecturer and activist, he is the author of Far and Away: Essays from the Brink of Change: Seven Continents, Twenty-Five Years; the National Book Critics Circle Award-winner Far from the Tree: Parents, Children, and the Search for Identity, which has won thirty additional national awards; and The Noonday Demon; An Atlas of Depression, which won the 2001 National Book Award, was a finalist for the Pulitzer Prize, and has been published in twenty-four languages. He has also written a novel, A Stone Boat, which was a finalist for the Los Angeles Times First Fiction Award and The Irony Tower: Soviet Artists in a Time of Glasnost. His TED talks have been viewed over ten million times. He lives in New York and London and is a dual national. For more information, visit the author’s website at AndrewSolomon.com
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Sue Klebold
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Customers find this book stunning and eye-opening, describing it as a must-read that is honest and well-written. They appreciate the sincere reflections on the horrific tragedy, with one customer noting how it chronicles the author's journey from shocked and grief-stricken mother. Customers praise the author's incredible courage to share her story, with one review highlighting how it provides valuable lessons about mental health.

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Readability Heartfelt story Insight Writing quality Honesty Courage Pacing Beauty

523 customers mention "Readability"509 positive14 negative

Customers find the book highly engaging and life-changing, describing it as a stunning eye-opening read.

"...With that said; this is an extremely compelling story of a life gone wrong, and the impact that it had on a small town, state, country, and the..." Read more

"...It is as honest and open of a memoir as one could ever hope to read...." Read more

"...for our society to begin to find authentic and effective ways to support children and adolescents and prevent future tragedies...." Read more

"...I believe it’s relevant to read as we experience these shootings happening every day in America. Sue talks about what she wishes she would have done...." Read more

436 customers mention "Heartfelt story"325 positive111 negative

Customers find the book deeply moving and honest, with one review describing it as heart-pounding in its poignancy and another noting how it chronicles the author's journey from shocked and grief-stricken mother.

"...It teaches, using the most devastating first hand account, why we must work to educate ourselves to recognize the signs of depression and suicide...." Read more

"...Her honest, sincere reflections on the horrific tragedy, and her research-based, delving questions into how it happened create space for discussion..." Read more

"...The love is evident throughout the book. Unfortunately, it was not nearly enough...." Read more

"...Reading her beautifully written, painfully exposing memoir, I believe her...." Read more

318 customers mention "Insight"301 positive17 negative

Customers find the book insightful, providing valuable lessons and a glimpse into mental health, with one customer noting how it integrates Sue's thoughts and feelings.

"...These were heartfelt, sincere letters that were extremely difficult for her to write. This is a caring woman who was dealt a horrible blow...." Read more

"...This is a book about the enormity of grief, about mental health, the exorbitant tragedy of suicide, and how mental disorders left unchecked can..." Read more

"...Her honest, sincere reflections on the horrific tragedy, and her research-based, delving questions into how it happened create space for discussion..." Read more

"...Throughout the book, Sue talks about how kind, thoughtful, and sweet Dylan was growing up...." Read more

229 customers mention "Writing quality"179 positive50 negative

Customers praise the book's writing, finding it articulate and easy to read, with one customer noting it reads like a novel.

"...I'm giving it 5 stars for the quality of Sue Klebold's writing, but I have to admit that at times while reading it; I was somewhat put off by her..." Read more

"...Not only is Ms. Klebold articulate and sincere she has filled these pages with profound insights into mental health issues...." Read more

"...Reading her beautifully written, painfully exposing memoir, I believe her...." Read more

"I read it in three days time and made notes and bolded many passages and recommended books to follow up...." Read more

113 customers mention "Honesty"106 positive7 negative

Customers praise the book's honesty, describing it as a candid and authentic account.

"...I believe that Sue Klebold was being completely honest throughout the book, but despite her good intentions; I was still left with the feeling that..." Read more

"...Not only is Ms. Klebold articulate and sincere she has filled these pages with profound insights into mental health issues...." Read more

"...Her honest, sincere reflections on the horrific tragedy, and her research-based, delving questions into how it happened create space for discussion..." Read more

"...Sue is straightforward and honest. She doesn't make excuses for her son. She has just as many questions as everyone else...." Read more

99 customers mention "Courage"99 positive0 negative

Customers praise the book's courage, describing it as a heart-wrenching account of a mother's self-examination and bravery in sharing her story.

"...It becomes obvious that Sue Klebold is a kind, compassionate person. She is not to blame for what her son did...." Read more

"...Finally, I’d like to thank the author for her bravery in baring her experience...." Read more

"...stars, but settled on four to acknowledge that the author's fortitude in tackling this issue with what I believe are the best of intentions...." Read more

"...She is vulnerable, deeply intelligent, and heartfelt...." Read more

46 customers mention "Pacing"43 positive3 negative

Customers find the pacing of the book moving and passionate, describing it as absolutely gut wrenching.

"...intimate, and isolated, but it is in fact such a universal, human experience...." Read more

"A very powerful and moving book. I could feel Sue Klebold's pain and bewilderment on every page as she tries to understand the incomprehensible...." Read more

"...In this way the reader can follow without getting lost...." Read more

"...middle class parents who raised their sons to be polite, respectful, generous, Christian boys – and both were, especially Dylan...." Read more

36 customers mention "Beauty"36 positive0 negative

Customers find the book stunning and eye-opening, with one review noting how it provides an inside look at life in the Klebold household.

"...Overall, I felt that Sue gave a very honest look at her son, their life before the attack and her experience after...." Read more

"...of which her son Dylan was a perpetrator is compelling and artfully crafted...." Read more

"...It’s very beautiful and inspiring." Read more

"The author gives the reader an inside look into the family life of Dylan Klebold...." Read more

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A very difficult book to read ~ A sad story, but one that had to be told
Reviewed in the United States on June 8, 2016
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Since so many of the negative reviews for this book state that Sue Klebold wrote it for monetary profit, I would like to set the record straight. The author profits from the book are being donated to research and to charitable foundations focusing on mental health issues. I think it's important that people know this prior to reading the book, as it removes any doubt that Sue Klebold wrote it for purposes other than to tell her side of the story and to educate the public on hidden mental health issues in teenagers.

This is the most difficult book to review that I've ever read. I'm giving it 5 stars for the quality of Sue Klebold's writing, but I have to admit that at times while reading it; I was somewhat put off by her constant praising of her son Dylan. With that said; this is an extremely compelling story of a life gone wrong, and the impact that it had on a small town, state, country, and the entire world. I immensely respect the opinions of the author, and fully understand that the story she tells is exactly as she sees it. It's one thing to be the mother of the son of a suicidal mass murderer, and quite another to be a reader who can in no way know the entire background of the story without having actually lived it. This is the story of a mother who loved her son, continues to do so to this day, and through no fault of her own, missed the signals that something was terribly wrong. This is also the story of a woman who cares deeply about the victims, their families and the survivors. While it may appear to casual readers such as myself that she's proselytizing the attributes of her son; she does so knowing that it will offend some people, but more importantly because at least in her eyes, it's the truth as she sees it.

While it's written honestly and with a great deal of compassion and empathy; I personally still have trouble coming to terms with the manner in which she writes about her son Dylan. As mentioned above; it's quite different to view this event through my eyes, than those of the author. I'm trying to be as objective as possible and to place myself in a similar situation to hers, but find that impossible to do. After completing the first part of the book; I was upset by her effort to diminish blame for the Columbine tragedy on her son and his accomplice, Eric Harris. I couldn't help from feeling as if Sue Klebold was trying to portray her son as just a slightly troubled teenager, no different than any other teenager that you see everyday. I felt as if the first part of the book delved much too heavily on how wonderful Dylan was, and far too little on the devastating consequences of what he and Eric did. Than again, I ask myself if I would have reacted any differently.

As the book progressed, she finally started to address the victims of this horrendous crime. I believe that Sue Klebold was being completely honest throughout the book, but despite her good intentions; I was still left with the feeling that too much time was spent on her trying to absolve herself from guilt, and too little time spent on addressing the fact that there were real warning signs that possibly could have prevented this horrendous calamity. She mentions that both Dylan and Eric were arrested the previous year for breaking into a van. She also mentions that her son wrote a paper that was so graphically disturbing that she and her husband were summoned to the school to learn of its contents. Than, as I continued to read the book; I kept second guessing my own opinions of her. One moment I was viewing her in a very negative way, the next moment I felt total empathy and compassion for Sue Klebold. I kept telling myself that it wasn't my right to question her motives, after all, she's the one who lived through it, not me.

To me, there were plenty of warning signs. Obviously, regardless of these signs, no one would ever expect that their child would be capable of committing such an atrocity. Yet, with these warning signs being front and center; it would certainly have been enough for intervention to have taken place. Obviously they weren't, but why not. It's easy for me to say that faced with the same set of signals, I would have reacted differently. Who knows; unless you've lived it first person, how can you know for sure that you would have heeded the warning signs. Teenagers are adept at hiding their feelings, and although many of the same signals play out on a daily basis in homes across America, crimes such as this, don't. While the actions of Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris should be viewed as abominable, the fact that Dylan suffered from hidden depression plays a major role in his behavior.

It's nearly impossible for me to be critical of Sue and Tom Klebold, as no one can possibly know what it was really like to be in their shoes, except themselves. Speaking only for myself; I'd like to think that presented with the warning signs mentioned above, I would have intervened. Perhaps I too would have been blindsided, as she says they were. Yes, it's hard for me to imagine such a scenario, but than again, how do I know for sure that I wouldn't have been blindsided too.

I most certainly feel incredible empathy for what her family has gone through, but on the other hand, after reading the book; had I been one of the parents of the victims or one of the injured survivors; I would have felt as if she was being somewhat disingenuous in her portrayal of the situation. This is not meant to diminish her portrayal of the way things played out. I honestly believe that Sue Klebold feels as if she was honest and forthright in her appraisal of the situation, but I'm left with the uncomfortable feeling that this book is more about making her feel better, than about addressing the disaster straight on. That is, until I continued reading. It becomes obvious that Sue Klebold is a kind, compassionate person. She is not to blame for what her son did. As atrocious as his and Eric's actions were; they were not the result of bad parenting on the part of the Klebold's.

It gives me no pleasure to at times being critical of this book. I think it's nearly impossible to read it without getting upset and shaken to the core. The subject matter is incredibly sad, as is the situation that the Klebold family and all of the victims families are in, and will be for the rest of their lives. Had the book been more oriented on the devastating impact of Dylan's and Eric's despicable actions; I would have finished it feeling that justice had been done to the story. Having completed it; I now realize that it's not possible for justice to be served. Without diminishing the fact that Sue Klebold obviously feels tremendous pain at what her son did; I'm still left feeling as if she spent too much time talking about the virtues of her son. That's when I come to realize that she does so in order to drive home the fact that in most ways he was a normal, loving child. It leaves the reader wondering, if such a loving son, from such a loving family, could commit such a despicable act of violence, couldn't the same thing take place from other loving homes. Everything about this book leaves you wondering, questioning, asking what's right and what's wrong. In the end, there simply are no definitive answers.

Toward the middle and end of the book, there's a lot of talk about child suicide and how depression can be masked so well by teenagers. I'm not doubting any of this. What I find troubling is that there's a heavy emphasis throughout the book on Dylan's suicide, but not enough on the homicide that he committed. Granted; Sue Klebold is writing about her son for whom she has unconditional love. I know that I wouldn't have the ability to talk about my own son in such a positive light, had he committed such a horrendous crime. Once again, since I'm not in her situation; it's impossible to know how I would react. I guess what I'm trying to say, is that faced with a similar situation; I believe I would not be able to ever feel unconditional love toward the perpetrator of such a crime, regardless of who it was. My heart would bleed for the victims and the families, at least that's how I think I would react. Sue Klebold does not make excuses for what Dylan did, but she tries to explain that due to his hidden depression, he was suicidal. Once he teamed up with Eric Harris, the suicidal intentions became a carefully planned mass murder, with suicide as the anti-climatic finish. This was a well though out out plan; it's incredibly sad that no one saw it coming.

In summary; I come away from reading this book with mixed emotions. The writing is superb, and I do feel as if the author is speaking from her heart. I believe that she's being totally honest when she talks about how much she loved and continues to love her son. I believe that her compassion toward the victims families is genuine and heartfelt. Her extensive coverage of suicide prevention, knowing the signs of depression, etc. is to be commended. I believe her when she says that her family saw no warning signs to the impending disaster. It's just that I want to believe that faced with a similar scenario; I would have been more aware of these signs. While they obviously didn't see them; the warning signs were there. Her son did a terrible thing. This is a no win situation, and regardless of how I feel, nothing will reverse the course of history. I only wish that the author had spent a little less time praising her son, and a little more time coming to terms with the devastation that he caused to so many people. While it was an integral part of the story, I felt as if there was too much time spent talking about the lawsuits against the family.

Finally; I know that there were many survivors of the tragedy who will be physically and mentally challenged for the rest of their lives. Some are unable to walk, others have other physical disabilities. All are emotionally scarred for life. Sue Klebold wrote compelling letters to all of the survivors. In addition, she wrote letters to the families of the deceased. These were heartfelt, sincere letters that were extremely difficult for her to write. This is a caring woman who was dealt a horrible blow. The actions of her son can never be forgiven, but to blame her for what her son did is wrong. What he and Eric did is beyond comprehension, but aside from missing signals that any parent could miss, it's not fair to blame the messenger. Yes, I'm still left with the feeling that something could have been done to prevent this tragedy. After reading the book, however, I'm not placing blame on anyone. Placing blame accomplishes nothing, and faced with the exact same set of circumstances, I have no doubt that many people would have done things exactly the same way.

I don't think that Sue Klebold is in denial; I actually feel quite the opposite. This book was her sincere effort to explain how her son was raised, and how, despite the loving home he lived in, something went dreadfully wrong. There is no doubt that this kid was loved, no doubt whatsoever. Perhaps had it not been for Eric Harris, this catastrophe may have been averted. It would be nice to hear from the Harris family, but it's unlikely that we will. It does appear that Eric Harris was the lightning rod behind this event, but without additional information, we'll never know for sure. Certainly, both boys are responsible for the carnage.

I don't think that it's possible for any of us to truly know all of the answers to this incredibly sad story; we can only move on and learn. I wish the best to Sue Klebold and her family. I especially wish the best to the victims families, and to all of the survivors who are coping with this tragedy every day of their lives. It's difficult to imagine what it's been like for the survivors and for the victims families. April 20, 1999 changed their lives forever. The immense power of empathy is needed for every person affected by this awful event. Hopefully the passage of time will heal. Perhaps forgiveness is the only way to truly survive this unthinkable tragedy.

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ToxawayGirl
Unflinching Glimpse into Unthinkable Grief
Reviewed in the United States on February 23, 2016
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I was a senior in high school in 1999 when the Columbine massacre took place. I remember signing a giant banner to be mailed to Littleton and I struggled with what to write in condolence. I believe I said something to the effect of "May God hold you in His arms." What can one possibly say to people bereaved by loss this horrific?

The Columbine tragedy set off a series of copy cat events across our nation. In fact, at my high school graduation in June we did not walk across a stage, because school administrators were rightfully terrified of another "event". My name was called and I walked across the 50 yard line clutching my shiny new diploma. I marched right out of that stadium and into my new life. Throughout my life I've often thought of the victims, denied their own graduation march... they should be graduating HS, graduating college, starting jobs, buying homes, marrying, have children of their own...

I've always been haunted by Columbine, it seemed so utterly shocking to me; it is still shocking. It was perhaps the first time I was ever truly rattled by a world event. This felt all too close to home and I had a deep desire to know the unknowable "why". I felt the answer must begin at home with the parents of the perpetrators. I had many questions, paramount among them, how could they not know? How could it be be possible to live with someone horribly depraved and not know?

Sue Klebold, mother of Dylan, one of the killers bravely bares her soul in her new memoir "A Mother's Reckoning". In it she describes what she missed, what she would do differently, and how to recognize depression and suicidal thoughts in a loved one. It is a powerful read and I was left humbled. Not only is Ms. Klebold articulate and sincere she has filled these pages with profound insights into mental health issues. It is as honest and open of a memoir as one could ever hope to read. It teaches, using the most devastating first hand account, why we must work to educate ourselves to recognize the signs of depression and suicide. It further teaches why mental health disorders should be destigmatized and treated like we would treat other ailmentents.

Sue spares nothing in this unflinching account of her bewilderment, shame, and grief. She has struggled and still struggles to reconcile the loving son she knew with the horrors he caused. This book will open your eyes and shatter preconceived notions about this family. I wish I could take Sue in my arms and hold her. I sincerely hope that she is able to find a measure of peace in bravely sharing her story. In remembering the devestation of Columbine it is easy to forget that Dylan walked into that school wanting to die. When one understands this piece of the puzzle it becomes more plausible to try to grasp the other facets of the tragedy.

I believe everyone should read this book. Only when we begin to understand how to treat and diagnose mental health issues can we hope to end the violence that has plagued our nation. This is a book about the enormity of grief, about mental health, the exorbitant tragedy of suicide, and how mental disorders left unchecked can unfurl in tragedy so profound it can haunt a nation.

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Amazon Customer
Amazing book. I loved it
Reviewed in India on February 22, 2017
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Amazing book . I loved it . Must read . I just love Sue Klebold . Such a strong and wonderful lady .

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Insight
Reviewed in France on March 25, 2016
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Sue Klebold donne ici un éclairage sur son quotidien post Columbine, mais reste quelque peu en surface. N'en demeure pas moins que le livre vaut la peine d'être lu, surtout si vous êtes parent.

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Pamela
Heart-wrenching
Reviewed in Italy on October 27, 2024
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After reading the book, I came to the conclusion that Sue Klebold is one of the bravest women out there. She describes what happened before and after Columbine. You can feel her pain, as a mother, in not being able to mourn her loss because of the horrible deeds her son was responsible of. And this is what I had never though about before, when thinking about Columbine. Her guilt is also very touching. Her memoir is also a constant reminder to keep our eyes open and never take anything for granted.

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DWB1873
Powerful, moving and troubling.
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on February 17, 2016
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As a parent, my and I suspect all parents, worries are that i will fail my child, that they will grow up troubled because I didn't do the right things. Who though imagines their child will commit mass murder, of their own volition? Especially if you have raised them the way you are "supposed" to, with love, support and opportunity.

Sue Klebold lives with this daily after her son out of the blue (from her perspective) committed this act. This book shows her emotions, reactions and story, without holding back. She openly and honestly questions everything she did and throughout there is a theme that she still doesn't fully understand or know what she could have done differently. It also shows the impact on those often forgotten - the families of the people who commit these atrocities - they are victims too.

As a child, I suffered bullying, was severely depressed and yet, shared nothing with my parents. I certainly could relate to some of the feelings that Dylan and Eric allude to, though of course, they took it to an incredible extreme. This ability of teenagers to be bereft yet not show it is covered deeply in this book.

It's easy to say "it won't be my child" - and that is her key point in this book - how do you know? How deeply have you checked if the facade presented is the real one? There are suggestions and observations on what a parent could do differently - for me though, the message is to never assume it's all going well. Establish an honest relationship early and keep working at it. Make it okay to feel weak, or not too win all the time. Even then, I probably still won't know what my child is really thinking.

There is also the obvious view that if someone is ill, who feels they have no support or hope, providing them relatively easy access to the abilities to seek vengeance or a way out, is probably not a good idea. America grapples with this still almost 20 years on.

At times it's a deeply troubling read, however overall it is well written, raw and insightful and thus a powerful read.

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Sandra Sosa
calidad
Reviewed in Mexico on April 6, 2025
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Llega en muy buen estado.

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5.0 out of 5 stars A very difficult book to read ~ A sad story, but one that had to be told

4.0 out of 5 stars Unflinching Glimpse into Unthinkable Grief

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5.0 out of 5 stars Amazing book. I loved it

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5.0 out of 5 stars Powerful, moving and troubling.

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A very difficult book to read ~ A sad story, but one that had to be told

Unflinching Glimpse into Unthinkable Grief

Amazing book. I loved it

Insight

Heart-wrenching

Powerful, moving and troubling.

calidad