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Kate Murphy

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You're Not Listening: What You're Missing and Why It Matters Kindle Edition

by Kate Murphy (Author) Format: Kindle Edition

4.5 2,236 ratings

Goodreads Choice Award nominee

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When was the last time you listened to someone, or someone really listened to you?

"If you’re like most people, you don’t listen as often or as well as you’d like. There’s no one better qualified than a talented journalist to introduce you to the right mindset and skillset—and this book does it with science and humor."
-Adam Grant, #1 New York Times bestselling author of Originals and Give and Take

**Hand picked by Malcolm Gladwell, Adam Grant, Susan Cain, and Daniel Pink for Next Big Ideas Club**

"An essential book for our times."
-Lori Gottlieb, New York Times bestselling author of Maybe You Should Talk to Someone

At work, we’re taught to lead the conversation.
On social media, we shape our personal narratives.
At parties, we talk over one another. So do our politicians.
We’re not listening.
And no one is listening to us.

Despite living in a world where technology allows constant digital communication and opportunities to connect, it seems no one is really listening or even knows how. And it’s making us lonelier, more isolated, and less tolerant than ever before. A listener by trade, New York Times contributor Kate Murphy wanted to know how we got here.

In this always illuminating and often humorous deep dive, Murphy explains why we’re not listening, what it’s doing to us, and how we can reverse the trend. She makes accessible the psychology, neuroscience, and sociology of listening while also introducing us to some of the best listeners out there (including a CIA agent, focus group moderator, bartender, radio producer, and top furniture salesman). Equal parts cultural observation, scientific exploration, and rousing call to action that's full of practical advice, You're Not Listening is to listening what Susan Cain's Quiet was to introversion. It’s time to stop talking and start listening.

From the Publisher

New York Times Contributor Kate Murphy Draws Attention to the Worldwide Epidemic of Not Listening

How did you get the idea to write this book?

As a journalist, I listen for a living, and, increasingly, I noticed that people I interviewed seemed surprised, almost taken aback, that I was actually paying attention to what they said. They began telling me profoundly personal things, wholly unrelated to the stories I was writing, as if they’d been long waiting for the opportunity. And these were very successful, well-connected people—not lacking for company, but apparently lacking for listeners. They would always thank me for listening, and also often apologize for unloading. It happened with such regularity, it made me think this was something worth investigating.

What does it mean to be a good listener?

What I found is that rather than being a checklist of dos and don’ts, listening is more a state of mind. It’s about getting yourself in a receptive mode and also developing an awareness of the kinds of things that hijack your attention, cloud your perception, and make you zone out during a conversation. And, just as importantly, listening has to do with how well you respond—the degree to which you are able to encourage and elicit the clear expression of someone else’s thoughts. It’s both an art and a skill.

How do we balance planning what to say next and listening to the person talking?

A better response will come to you when you have taken in all that the other person has to say. Then, pause if you need to after the other person concludes to think about what you want to say. And if you’re still at a loss, it’s okay to say, “I don’t know what to say.” You can also say, “I’d like to think about that,” which conveys that you’re honoring what the other person said by taking time to think about it, while, at the same time, honoring that part of you that is uncertain or anxious and needs time to process. Better that, than responding in a way that is insensitive or misses the point.

Praise for YOU'RE NOT LISTENING

WARNING: California’s Proposition 65

Editorial Reviews

Review

One of The Washington Post's "Notable Works of Nonfiction in 2020"

"If you’re like most people, you don’t listen as often or as well as you’d like. There’s no one better qualified than a talented journalist to introduce you to the right mindset and skillset―and this book does it with science and humor."
-Adam Grant, #1 New York Times bestselling author of Originals and Give and Take

“You’re Not Listening is an essential book for our times. How well we listen determines how we love, learn, and connect with one another, and in this moment when we need to hear and be heard more than ever, this thought-provoking and engaging book shows us how.”
-Lori Gottlieb, New York Times bestselling author of Maybe You Should Talk to Someone

"I was instantly hooked by Kate Murphy's simple but profound argument--that although listening is the foundation of communication, innovation, growth, and love, few of us really know how to do it properly, or where to even start. You're Not Listening is a captivating and enlightening book that provides readers with a road map on how to listen and why it is so important to how we connect, work, and live."
-Kim Scott, New York Times bestselling author of Radical Candor

"This lively book makes an impassioned plea for listening--an instructive and thought-provoking book that will help readers think about the way they frame questions and responses to forge intimacy."
-Financial Times

"Fiercely topical...You're Not Listening is an intriguing and constructive take on the problem...and a manual for better communication. Murphy’s book is intelligent and thought-provoking…. Listening is when someone take a real interest in who you are…a moment of attunement and understanding that sticks in both heads. We could all do with some of that."
-The Times (London)

"It’s time for a spot of re-education.... A fascinating guide to something we assume we do automatically, yet for the most part do very badly.... The art of listening is really the art of being human."
-The Guardian

"In an age when technology has made it easier than ever before to talk with each other, we’ve paradoxically become worse at listening. Fortunately, we have Kate Murphy to teach us how to reclaim this crucial skill. This book changed the way I think about communicating with the people who matter to me."
-Cal Newport, New York Times bestselling author of Deep Work and Digital Minimalism

"With concrete advice and a wealth of guidelines, readers will come away with tips for a better approach, one that can be exceptionally useful, whether in the boardroom or at home. In an era dominated by incessant broadcasting and attention-seeking behavior on social media, listening offers both a salve and a solution."
-Booklist

"From communication researchers to general audiences, this informative and well-documented book will prod readers to reexamine the way they listen to others, individually and collectively, and to consider the many negative repercussions of not doing so."
-Library Journal

"The premise of this book couldn't be more timely... inspiringly profound… Smart and playful... It feels like a reiteration of something essential... Murphy is here to remind us – entertainingly and compellingly – exactly why it matters so much, especially right now. Hear, hear."
-The Observer

"Kate Murphy…has pinpointed an uneasy truth in her new book: we may be great at leading the conversations, but perhaps not so much being on the receiving end of them.”
-Independent.ie

About the Author

Kate Murphy is a Houston, Texas–based journalist who has written for The New York Times, The Economist, Agence France-Presse, and Texas Monthly.

Product details

ASIN ‏ : ‎ B07RYGHKND
Publisher ‏ : ‎ Celadon Books (January 7, 2020)
Publication date ‏ : ‎ January 7, 2020
Language ‏ : ‎ English
File size ‏ : ‎ 2.1 MB
Text-to-Speech ‏ : ‎ Enabled
Screen Reader ‏ : ‎ Supported
Enhanced typesetting ‏ : ‎ Enabled
X-Ray ‏ : ‎ Enabled
Word Wise ‏ : ‎ Enabled
Print length ‏ : ‎ 284 pages
Page numbers source ISBN ‏ : ‎ 1787300951

Best Sellers Rank: #90,647 in Kindle Store (See Top 100 in Kindle Store)
- #38 in Business Communication Skills
- #44 in Mate Seeking (Kindle Store)
- #58 in Communication & Social Skills Self-Help eBooks

Customer Reviews:
4.5 2,236 ratings

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Kate Murphy

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Kate Murphy is a Houston, Texas-based journalist whose work has appeared in The New York Times, The Economist, Agence France-Presse, and Texas Monthly. Her eclectic and widely shared pieces have explored an extraordinary range of topics including health, technology, science, design, art, aviation, business, finance, fashion, dining, travel, and real estate. She is known for her fresh and accessible way of explaining complex subjects, particularly the science behind human interactions, helping readers understand why people behave the way they do. She also has a commercial pilot’s license, which she puts to good use when called upon to report from remote locations.

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2,236 global ratings

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Customers find the book insightful and helpful for improving listening skills. They describe it as an engaging read with clear writing and simple language. The book offers practical tips for strengthening relationships and boosting quality of life.

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Listening skills Readability Help Writing style Relationship strength

53 customers mention "Listening skills"48 positive5 negative

Customers find the book insightful and helpful for improving listening skills. They appreciate the author's ability to raise self-awareness and practice being fully engaged and present. The book takes readers through contemporary society and challenges, demonstrating that listening is an important skill in good conversations. Readers mention that the book has changed their perspective on listening.

"...covered the lost art of listening, syncing our feelings, paying attention to our curiosity, being aware of assumptions, stopping tone deaf responses..." Read more

"...Great tool to have at home, work or online. This book has some great input on how to fine tune the skill...." Read more

"...After all, the author makes the case that the best conversations — and even business or academic partnerships — involve *all* participants being..." Read more

"The author has done indepth research and the book is a welcome help to anyone who wants to relate better with family, friends, and especially at work..." Read more

20 customers mention "Readability"20 positive0 negative

Customers find the book engaging and enjoyable to read. They describe it as a must-read, entertainingly written, and a great summer read. Readers praise the book for its clear writing and concise content.

"...books I read the senior year of my doctorate, this was one of my favorite books...." Read more

"...and its magical (though scientifically explained) ability to enrich you through learning and building close relationships...." Read more

"...make conversations (with others and your inner voice) exponentially more rewarding...." Read more

"...Kate Murphy wrote a really good--short--book that will teach all of its readers so much about what we gain from listening--or not...." Read more

17 customers mention "Help"17 positive0 negative

Customers find the book helpful and important. They appreciate the practical tips and heartwarming anecdotes. The research is up-to-date and applicable to today's world and relationships. It's a great tool to have at home, work, or online.

"...Please listen and get the book on how to do it better. Great tool to have at home, work or online...." Read more

"...That said, this is an important work. I’ve looked for accessible best practices for listening, and this is the first I’ve found, and it’s new...." Read more

"The author has done indepth research and the book is a welcome help to anyone who wants to relate better with family, friends, and especially at work..." Read more

"...This book teaches you the skills necessary for developing strong and lasting relationships, and when applied, make conversations..." Read more

17 customers mention "Writing style"17 positive0 negative

Customers find the book's writing style clear and engaging. They appreciate the conversational tone and language that anyone can understand. The concepts are easy to understand and implement, making it a great way to begin.

"...The concepts are easy to understand and implement. As a psychologist I have referred this book to several patients." Read more

"...you can tell that Ms Murphy the journalist has a deft touch and writes engagingly...." Read more

"...Written in a conversational tone with language just about anyone can understand, Murphy takes you through contemporary society and our challenges..." Read more

"Really enjoyed reading it and learned a lot Very easy to follow and couldn’t put it down until I read for hours" Read more

9 customers mention "Relationship strength"9 positive0 negative

Customers find the book helpful for strengthening relationships and improving their lives. They mention it teaches the art of listening, syncing feelings, and paying attention to others. The book is full of psychology explanations and practical knowledge, and is filled with heartwarming anecdotes.

"...The book covered the lost art of listening, syncing our feelings, paying attention to our curiosity, being aware of assumptions, stopping tone deaf..." Read more

"...ability to enrich you through learning and building close relationships...." Read more

"...teaches you the skills necessary for developing strong and lasting relationships, and when applied, make conversations..." Read more

"...I'm already noticing a big shift in my relationships and my quality of life...." Read more

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Victorya Rogers
Great book that inspires us to wake up and pay attention again!
Reviewed in the United States on April 12, 2024
Verified Purchase

Of all the books I read the senior year of my doctorate, this was one of my favorite books. You’re Not Listening brought back memories from my minor in speech during my undergrad and my non-verbal communication classes. Kate Murphy challenged me to wake up and pay attention once again. You’re Not Listening is wakeup call to the lost art of effective listening in order to truly connect with others.
The book covered the lost art of listening, syncing our feelings, paying attention to our curiosity, being aware of assumptions, stopping tone deaf responses, being slow to speak (tortoise and the hare syndrome), listening to opposing views, focusing on what is important, improvisational listening, conversational sensitivity, listening to our inner voice, supporting (not diverting) the conversation, utilizing our entire hearing mechanism--hammers, anvils and stirrups, noticing our addiction to distraction, noting what silences reveal, awakening to the morality of listening, and finally, knowing when to stop listening.
As Murphy admonished, “Listening is arguably more valuable than speaking.” To really listen is to be moved physically, chemically, emotionally, and intellectually by another person’s narrative. Written by a journalist who has interviewed everyone from “Nobel laureates” to homeless children, this book challenges the reader to improve listening skills. “Whereas in the past we caught up with friends and family individually and in person, now we are more likely to text, tweet or post on social media.” Murphy reveals that people get lonely for lack of people listening to them! The first question she asked of those she interviewed for this book was “Who listens to you?” Everyone hesitated before they answered her! That was telling. The most common “bad listening behaviors” she found included interrupting, vague response to what was just said, looking at one’s phone or watch instead of the speaker, or fidgeting while the other is speaking.
Murphy claims “listening, more than any other activity, plugs you into life.” It was interesting to note that the CIA doesn’t train agents to be good listeners, rather they recruit good listeners to be agents. She also quoted one of my favorite authors during my twenties—Dale Carnegie—"You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interest in you.”
Here’s where listening skills really kick in and where most of us are lacking: Cliché and tone-deaf responses show we are not really paying attention. For example, when someone shares bad news (such as I lost my job or received bad medical news), the author recommends listening to the inflection of the speaker’s voice as well as the words spoken to gain a clue to what part is most concerning and painful to the speaker. If there is a pause or he/she gets choked up during part of the story, then that is the most concern part more than anything else. When you address that part of the bad news it shows you truly were listening, and you care about the individual. Listening is about being open and curious about someone else’s state of mind. “The ability to acknowledge someone’s point of view with a sensitive response encourages trust. This is a skill that does not come naturally in our distracted, busy, self-absorbed world, but it is vital if we want to reach people for God.
Develop your conversational sensitivity. That is what I learned in my undergrad. “Good listeners are better at both deceiving and detecting deceit. If you think back to the times in your life when you were fooled there were likely things you missed. Was there a too-urgent tone, facts that didn’t quite add up, hostility or exasperation in the person’s voice when questions were asked? For me it is usually a discomfort in the pit of my stomach that I can’t quite put my finger on but I know they are lying. Murphy encourages us to pay attention to those things!
She concludes her book with a message to remind us how important listening truly is. Because, when we engage with someone in conversation, our behavior does two things: 1) it helps or hinders our understanding, and 2) strengthens or weakens the relationship

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Walkingbird
A must read
Reviewed in the United States on August 8, 2024
Verified Purchase
We can all get better at this skill. Bought the print copy after listening to it being read to me. Please listen and get the book on how to do it better. Great tool to have at home, work or online. This book has some great input on how to fine tune the skill. Many can talk, few, me included really listen.

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2 people found this helpful

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Seth
The positive inspiration you’re looking for, with a shade too much negativity
Reviewed in the United States on January 20, 2020
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This book’s most important lesson may be a collection of tenets you must believe to be an effective listener: (1) People are unpredictable — everyone you know or meet. (2) What you know is different from what they know. (3) There is more to the story than first appears. Kate Murphy then effectively exposes what you can *do* with those truths — how to commit to listening and its magical (though scientifically explained) ability to enrich you through learning and building close relationships. Read the book with a pen in hand — there’s no 1-pager cheat-sheet at the end.

That said, brace yourself for a certain preachiness that infuses every chapter. I wish that the book centralized all the critiques of the modern world (social media, addictive phones, political climate, etc.), so that the other chapters could more purely focus on the intersection of listening and *timeless* characteristics of the human experience (distractability, building of intimacy, a beautiful question, etc.). Instead, you’ll have to muscle through the sense that the author keeps touching on those critiques since she thinks you JUST DO NOT GET IT YET.

I also think there’s an important topic the author missed, or only brushes against: How to engender an environment where you will be listened to. It’s true that listening itself will have this impact — a great way for a person to say with genuine curiosity, “How was your day?”, is to first have that very conversation about *their* day. But you can’t rely on others to bring the same focus and intent to conversations as you will after reading this book. Is there any evidence out in the world of how to help someone *else* shift into “listener” mode? After all, the author makes the case that the best conversations — and even business or academic partnerships — involve *all* participants being listeners.

That said, this is an important work. I’ve looked for accessible best practices for listening, and this is the first I’ve found, and it’s new. I celebrate and thank Kate Murphy for her inspiration and her legwork to give me a framework and tactics to become a better human.

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172 people found this helpful

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MAY
listening is an art
Reviewed in the United States on May 18, 2024
Verified Purchase
The author has done indepth research and the book is a welcome help to anyone who wants to relate better with family, friends, and especially at work. The concepts are easy to understand and implement. As a psychologist I have referred this book to several patients.

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3 people found this helpful

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John
School book 🎒
Reviewed in the United States on January 29, 2025
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Nice product, works as described.

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N T
Best book I’ve read to date
Reviewed in the United States on November 7, 2022
Verified Purchase
In an age where technology decreases meaningful connections and distraction is a widespread addiction, Murphy educates the reader on the art of listening and its necessity for life. Murphy writes with excellent style, compelling arguments, and a tone and mindset that positively impacts yourself and how you see the world. This book teaches you the skills necessary for developing strong and lasting relationships, and when applied, make conversations (with others and your inner voice) exponentially more rewarding. There are so many aspects of the mindset of a good listener; I have reviewed my notes on this book numerous times and can easily see myself re-reading it. The book has changed how I approach listening in relationships for the better, and I am indescribably grateful for Murphy doing so. I even revitalized some mundane text conversations. With this newfound listening knowledge, I feel like a new person.

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14 people found this helpful

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Videographer
Excellent read
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on February 13, 2025
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This book is an excellent read. Highly recommend.

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Need this product as we could not reject how can delivery person cancel this order without my concern
You are not listening,great insights are there in this book ,need to read more times
Reviewed in India on May 8, 2024
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Listening is an art ,We are thinking that we are listening but that is not true listening to understand is the key , listening is a great skill to be learnt in this distracting world

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Maria Jimenez
Uno de mis libros favoritos
Reviewed in Spain on July 8, 2023
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Llevo recomendado este libro desde que lo lei a todo el mundo y a día de hoy sigo buscando uno parecido. Te enseña mucho a ser más conscientes de tus palabras y la importancia de la escucha activa. Recomendado 100%

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Bob S
What a Great Book!
Reviewed in Canada on December 14, 2020
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This is the best book on listening I have ever read.
I was motivated to learn more about and improve my own listening skills in this modern world of hyper strife and divisiveness between people with different views. Seems like we have lost our ability to communicate with each other. Human Beings need to improve their listening skills if they are to survive. We need to learn to live in a world of differences. And this book has helped me take my first step in this endeavour.

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Rishika
Recommended
Reviewed in Germany on July 22, 2021
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This book will not fail to surprise you. I would recommend it especially if one is interested in personal and professional development.

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5.0 out of 5 stars Great book that inspires us to wake up and pay attention again!

5.0 out of 5 stars A must read

4.0 out of 5 stars The positive inspiration you’re looking for, with a shade too much negativity

5.0 out of 5 stars listening is an art

5.0 out of 5 stars School book 🎒

5.0 out of 5 stars Best book I’ve read to date

Top reviews from other countries

5.0 out of 5 stars Excellent read

5.0 out of 5 stars You are not listening,great insights are there in this book ,need to read more times

5.0 out of 5 stars Uno de mis libros favoritos

5.0 out of 5 stars What a Great Book!

5.0 out of 5 stars Recommended

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Great book that inspires us to wake up and pay attention again!

A must read

The positive inspiration you’re looking for, with a shade too much negativity

listening is an art

School book 🎒

Best book I’ve read to date

Excellent read

You are not listening,great insights are there in this book ,need to read more times

Uno de mis libros favoritos

What a Great Book!

Recommended