The Forgiveness Solution
The Whole-Body Rx for Finding True Happiness, Abundant Love, and Inner Peace
By Philip FriedmanRed Wheel/Weiser, LLC
Copyright © 2009 Philip Friedman
All rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-57324-462-6
Contents
INTRODUCTIONCHAPTER 1. Where Are You Now? Some Basic Self-AssessmentsCHAPTER 2. Identifying Who You Feel Has Harmed YouCHAPTER 3. Discovering What Hurts: One Core Problem (Unforgiveness) and
One Core Solution (Forgiveness)CHAPTER 4. Choosing Love over FearCHAPTER 5. Seeing Beyond Judgment and Blame: The Path of Transformational
ForgivenessCHAPTER 6. Discovering What You Don't Want and What You Do: The Process of
Setting GoalsCHAPTER 7. Knowing When to Let GoCHAPTER 8. Making New Choices through Relaxation, Imagery, and Forgiveness
AfformationsCHAPTER 9. Energetic Forgiveness and Releasing: Positive Pressure Point
Techniques 1–4CHAPTER 10. Energetic Forgiveness and Finding Peace: Positive Pressure
Point Techniques 5–8CHAPTER 11. Four Powerful Forgiveness Imagery TechniquesCHAPTER 12. Practicing Forgiveness in Relationship ConflictsCHAPTER 13. Reconnecting with Your Inner TreasureCHAPTER 14. Transformational Forgiveness and Cutting the Energetic CordCHAPTER 15. Reconnecting with Your Divine SelfCHAPTER 16. Self-Assessment RevisitedCHAPTER 17. Twelve Frequently Asked Questions and Their AnswersCHAPTER 18. Review, Recommendations, and Returning HomeNotesRecommended ReadingForgiveness-Related BooksEnergy Healing-Related BooksProfessional Reading ListRecommended ResourcesAcknowledgments
CHAPTER 1
Where Are You Now? Some Basic Self-Assessments
"What could you want [that] forgiveness cannot give? Do you want peace?Forgiveness offers it. Do you want happiness (consider that forgiveness offersit), a quiet mind (could forgiveness offer that too), a certainty of purpose,and a sense of worth and beauty that transcends the world? Do you want care(being cared after), safety, and the warmth of sure protection always? Do youwant a quietness that cannot be disturbed, a gentleness that never can be hurt,a deep abiding comfort, and a rest so perfect it can never be upset? All thisforgiveness offers you and more."
—Robert Perry, Return to the Heart of God
"The end result of all 'unfair' pain and suffering is burning hurt andresentments. You have carried these resentments for years.... To heal from them,you must forgive the individuals involved. Until you are willing and able toforgive fully, you weigh down your soul with these prisoners."
—Caroline Myss, Entering the Castle
This and every chapter begins with a story. You will notice that I often provideno commentary for these stories. They are here to set the mood and offer hope.Let them just wash over you.
In his book The Code: Use the Laws of Manifestation to Achieve Your HighestGood, Tony Burroughs has Alan tell his forgiveness story:
When I first decided to serve others, I didn't realize that it also includedforgiving them. I thought I would help them out by cleaning or running errandsor doing whatever they wanted, but what I came to understand was that I couldhelp them in other ways as well.
The instance that brought all this home to me was when I made an intention tohelp my aging mother. In 1998, I gave up my own apartment, moved in with my mom,and began to prepare her food, bathe her, and do all of the things necessary tomake her last days as comfortable as possible. Up until then, I really hadn'tmade much of an effort to get close to her. She lived three states away, and wereally didn't get along all that well anyway. In truth, there were long periodsof time when we never spoke at all because I was still carrying a lot of angertoward her for things she'd done to me as a child. Mainly, I never understoodhow she could just stand by and let my father abuse me like he did.
But in the last few weeks of her life, as she lay in her deathbed with mesitting in the chair beside her, we began to talk about some of the things thatwe might not have otherwise spoken about. One particular evening after wefinished eating and our barriers were lower than usual, I asked her why she letmy dad beat me without ever coming to my rescue. Her answer showed me a side ofher I never knew existed.
She explained that she was just as afraid of him as I was, that he beat her andthreatened her too, and that he was always very careful not to let anyone elseknow about it. She was so sorry, she said, but at the time she was totallyincapable of giving me the love I needed because she was in fear for her ownsafety.
She started to cry when she told me the details. I felt such compassion for her,laying there in her bed like that, waiting to die any day. But, most of all, Ifelt sorry because we'd never talked like this before. When her tears stopped,and as I was wiping them from her cheeks, she touched my arm with her frail handand asked me to forgive her for not being a good mother. She said she reallyloved me, both then and now, and that it would mean a lot to her if I could findforgiveness in my heart for her.
I didn't move except to brush away the tears from my own eyes. Suddenly, a veryemotional experience when I was a teenager came to mind. My mother was in a badmood and had punished me for something I was innocent of. It was in that momentthat I had decided, resolutely, to put her out of my life. Now, however, as Irecalled that highly-charged event, I was able to see the unhappiness in herface that I didn't see before. I never knew she was that unhappy.
As my vision of the past receded, she looked up at me from her bed, our eyesmet, and I told her that I forgave her, not just for that instance, but foreverything uncaring she'd ever done to me. Then I leaned down to hug her, and asI did, it felt like a great weight was lifted from my chest. We both wept somemore that night, and, after that, something shifted in me ... and in her. Fromthen on, until the time she passed away, she was much calmer and at peace. Theway I see it, our forgiveness healed us both.
—Alan Matousek, Birmingham, AL
Assessing Where You Are
I thought we would start with some good assessment exercises. These will helpyou determine where you are in the forgiveness process and where you are with anumber of different issues related to forgiveness, such as happiness, wellbeing,and general life satisfaction. I don't advise skipping this chapter. Thequestionnaires here can offer you much insight into your life and frame of mindand will also help you later to measure your progress.
Please copy the checklists and scales so you can retake them as you wish.
Exercise Checklists
The following two checklists will give you a general sense of how forgiving youare. You may think you already know this, and you may be very surprised.
DISTRESS CHECKLIST
Next to each item, I would like you to put a number from 0 to 4: 4 indicatesvery much, 3 indicates a great deal, 2 indicates somewhat, 1 indicates a littlebit, and 0 indicates not at all. In the past week, I experienced the following:
_____Overall Psychological Distress
_____Depression
_____Guilt
_____Anger and Resentment
_____Hostility
_____Vengeance
_____Vulnerability and Fear
_____Negative Attitudes and Beliefs
_____Anxiety in General
_____Death Anxiety
_____Ruminating (dwelling on things) and Obsessing
_____Interpersonal Sensitivity (e.g., your feelings being easily hurt)
_____Physical or Health Problems
_____Tendency toward Revenge
_____Tendency toward Avoidance
_____Distrust
_____Paranoia
_____Emotional Instability
_____Irritability
_____Trauma
Now add up the 20 numbers on this checklist to get your
Total Negative Score_____(the total score ranges from 0 to 80).
WELL-BEING CHECKLIST
Now try this one. Next to each of these items, put a number from 0 to 4: 4indicates very much, 3 indicates a great deal, 2 indicates somewhat, 1 indicatesa little bit, and 0 indicates not at all. In the past week, I experienced thefollowing quality, feeling, or attitude:
_____Gratitude and Appreciation
_____Positive Quality of Life
_____Happiness
_____General Sense of Well-Being
_____Satisfaction with Life
_____Hope
_____Optimism
_____Positive Beliefs and Attitudes
_____Peace
_____Joy
_____Self-Worth and Self-Esteem
_____Warmth
_____Friendliness
_____Positive Mental Health
_____Sense of Meaning and Purpose in Life
_____Trust
_____Empathy
_____Love of Others
_____Love of Self
_____Attentiveness
Now add up the 20 numbers on this checklist to get your
Total Positive Score_____(the total score ranges from 0 to 80).
Now subtract your Total Negative Score from your Total Positive Score to getyour
TOTAL SCORE_____(this score will range from -80 to 80).
The higher your score, the more likely you are a very forgiving person. Thelower your score, the more likely it is that you are holding on tounforgiveness. As you know by now, being chronically unforgiving has a number ofnegative effects in our lives. The correlations are summarized in diagram 1.
Forgiving people tend to be much more optimistic, hopeful, and trusting and havehigh levels of self-worth and positive beliefs. Forgiving people are also muchlikelier to be warmer, friendlier, loving, peaceful, and joyful. They have agreater self-esteem and self-worth, are more empathetic, and have a greatersense of meaning and purpose in life.
On the other hand, people who are unforgiving are much more likely to experienceemotional distress in general and, specifically, higher levels of depression,anxiety, guilt, anger, and resentment. They are also more likely to be hostile,vengeful, and vulnerable and to frequently ruminate and obsess over perceivedhurts. Unforgiving people also have more physical symptoms, according to thescientific research, and are more interpersonally and emotionally sensitive thanforgiving people.
You may experience all or some of these negative feelings and beliefs and someor all of the positive ones. Wherever you are is okay. We're just trying toidentify your starting point. This says nothing about your character or whetheryou are a good person. It is so important not to judge yourself.
I encourage you to come back to these checklists and fill them out weekly ormonthly to see where you are and how much progress you have made as we gothrough the exercises in the book together.
Subjective Happiness Scale (SHS)
This scale was developed by Sonya Lyubomirsky and is widely used by happinessresearchers. For each of the following statements and/or questions, pleasecircle the point on the scale that you feel is most appropriate in describingyou.
An average score on the SHS questionnaire is 19 or 20. A low score is in therange of 12 to 15. A very low score is less than 12. A high score is in therange of 24 to 26. A very high score would be 27 or 28. The higher the number,the greater your overall happiness.
Lyubomirsky, S., and H. Lepper, "A Measure of Subjective Happiness: PreliminaryReliability and Construct Validation," Social Indicators Research 46, no. 2(February, 1999): 137–155. Adapted slightly with kind permission from SpringerScience+Business Media.
Satisfaction with Life Scale (SWLS)
This scale was developed by Ed Diener and his colleagues. It has been verywidely used for many years by researchers in the field of subjective well-being.I recommend you take it weekly or at least every four or five weeks. My clientsretake it every five weeks.
Please write down the number that most accurately reflects your opinions in thespace next to each item.
_____ 1. In most ways my life is close to ideal.
_____ 2. The conditions of my life are excellent.
_____ 3. I am satisfied with my life.
_____ 4. So far I have gotten the important things I want in life.
_____ 5. If I could live my life over, I would change almost nothing.
Add up the numbers from the five items to get your
Satisfaction with Life (SWLS) Total Score _____
Your score will be a gauge of your overall satisfaction: 31 to 35 is Extremelysatisfied, 26 to 30 is Satisfied, 21 to 25 is Slightly satisfied, 20 is Neutral,15 to 19 is Slightly dissatisfied, 10 to 14 is Dissatisfied, and 5 to 9 isExtremely dissatisfied. The higher the number, the greater the lifesatisfaction.
Diener, E., R. A. Emmons, R. J. Larsen, and S. Griffin, "The Satisfaction withLife Scale," Journal of Personality Assessment 49, no. 1 (1985): 71–75.Reproduced by permission of Taylor and Francis, LLC, www.taylorandfrancis.com.
The Gratitude Questionnaire (GQ6)
This scale was developed by Michael McCullough and Robert Emmons and theircolleagues. Again, it is widely used by researchers in the field of subjectivewell-being, happiness, and positive psychology. I recommend retaking it weeklyor at least every four or five weeks. My clients retake it every five weeks.
Using the scale below as a guide for questions 1 through 4, write a numberbeside each statement to indicate how much you agree with it.
_____ 1. I have so much in life to be thankful for.
_____ 2. If I had to list everything in life I had to be grateful for, it wouldbe a very long list.
_____ 3. I am grateful for a wide variety of people.
_____ 4. As I get older, I find myself more able to appreciate the people,events, and situations that have been part of my life history.
Using the scale below as a guide for questions 5 and 6, write a number besideeach statement to indicate how much you agree with it.
_____ 5. When I look at the world, I don't see much to be grateful for.
_____ 6. Long amounts of time go by before I feel grateful to something orsomeone.
Add up your scores for questions 1 through 6 to get your
Gratitude Questionnaire (GQ6) Total Score_____(this number should be between 6and 42).
An average score for the GQ6 Scale is 37. A low score is 29 to 30. A very lowscore is below 29. A high score is 40 to 41. A very high score is 42. The higherthe number, the more grateful you are. The lower the number, the less gratefulyou are.
Copyright 2002 by the American Psychological Association. McCullough, M. E., R.A. Emmons, and J. Tsang. "The Grateful Disposition: A Conceptual and EmpiricalTopography," Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 82, no. 1 (2002):112–127. Adapted with permission.
How Forgiving Are You?
The next questionnaire is very important because it measures how forgiving youare in general, not just how well you can forgive a particular person oryourself on one particular occasion. It is called the Heartland ForgivenessScale and it was developed by Laura Thompson and her colleagues to help peoplediscover how forgiving they are in three important areas: forgiving themselves,forgiving someone else, and forgiving uncontrollable circumstances.
Because I will be asking you to fill it out again later you will want to make anumber of copies of it before filling it in.
You can also take the Heartland Forgiveness Scale on the Internet by going towww.forgivenesssolution.com. Click on the link for "questionnaires" and then onthe link for the Heartland Forgiveness Scale. You will not only be able to fillout the Heartland Forgiveness Scale online but also have it scored automaticallyfor you.
The Heartland Forgiveness Scale (HFS)
Directions: In the course of our lives, negative things may occur because of ourown actions, the actions of others, or circumstances beyond our control. Forsome time after these events, we may have negative thoughts or feelings aboutourselves, others, or the situation. Think about how you typically respond tosuch negative events.
On the line next to each of the following items, write the number (from the 7-pointscale below) that best describes how you typically respond to the type ofnegative situation described. There are no right or wrong answers. Please be asopen as possible in your answers.
_____ 1. Although I feel bad at first when I mess up, over time I can givemyself some slack.
_____ 2. I hold grudges against myself for negative things I've done.
_____ 3. Learning from bad things that I've done helps me to get over them.
_____ 4. It is really hard for me to accept myself once I've messed up.
_____ 5. With time, I am understanding of myself for mistakes I've made.
_____ 6. I don't stop criticizing myself for negative things I've felt,thought, said, or done.
_____ 7. I continue to punish a person who has done something that I think iswrong.
_____ 8. With time, I am understanding of others for the mistakes they've made.
_____ 9. I continue to be hard on others who have hurt me.
_____ 10. Although others have hurt me in the past, I have eventually been ableto see them as good people.
_____ 11. If others mistreat me, I continue to think badly of them.
_____ 12. When someone disappoints me, I can eventually move past it.
_____ 13. When things go wrong for reasons that can't be controlled, I getstuck in negative thoughts about it.
_____ 14. With time, I can be understanding of bad circumstances in my life.
_____ 15. If I am disappointed by uncontrollable circumstances in my life, Icontinue to think negatively about them.
_____ 16. I eventually make peace with bad situations in my life.
_____ 17. It's really hard for me to accept negative situations that aren'tanybody's fault.
_____ 18. Eventually, I let go of negative thoughts about bad circumstancesthat are beyond anyone's control.
(Continues...)Excerpted from The Forgiveness Solution by Philip Friedman. Copyright © 2009 Philip Friedman. Excerpted by permission of Red Wheel/Weiser, LLC.
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