Many women-and also men-are all but addicted to rescuing or saving others. Among my clients rescuing can take many forms, from "saving" people they date to the more subtle forms of inappropriate mentoring or favoring certain students in the classroom. The irony of rescuing is it seems to be good for everyone. But it rarely works the way it does in childhood dreams. Many of these rescuers eventually damage and even ruin their own lives and those of others while attempting their saving deeds. Results are often extraordinary stressful, sometimes tragic, with occasionally dramatic, even violent conclusions.
Counselors and clinicians have known this for years. However, too often they have lacked the language and techniques to do much about this widespread problem. The White Knight Syndrome is the first realistic account that suggests concrete solutions for the too common problems or rescuers and their intended targets.
A strength of this book is that it recognizes that there are diverse motives that give rise to rescuing behaviors. Most are rooted in early childhood experiences and involves a coping style characterized by excessive altruism as at "deserving" people. These rescuers are not just "People who love too much" but "People who love the wrong people too much". Typically these rescuing feelings arise in response to childhood traumas, bullying, feelings of inadequacy, abandonment, or insecurities. Yet rescuing rarely work successfully and has a host of difficulties when applied to complex adult situations.
The authors suggest that as an alternative the rescuer needs to learn new strategies to move forward in life. They can learn to love positive aspects of themselves. rejecting the negative and irrational ones. They can recognize their patterns and then open up to the facts that they might be projecting personality aspects onto current relationships. Finally, although rescuers may always have some of these "saving" tendencies, they can learn to be more balanced and ultimately happier and less destructive with love and life.
Does this approach work? Well, as a therapist I have recommended this book over 14 times and received 14 positive feedbacks. To me that says something. The statistician/researcher side of me could find lots of problems with the previous sentence but it is enough for me to keep recommending The White Knight Syndrome. I've also recommended it to acquaintances who uniformly have said, "You know that book really helped me a lot!" To me that shows that Lamia and Krieger are onto something useful, powerful, and effective.
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Top reviews from other countries
Mario Bernardo
Muy buen libro por contenido y calidad
Reviewed in Mexico on March 10, 2022
Javier Sanz
Entrega inmediata y calidad del material.
Reviewed in Spain on August 21, 2019