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The Smart Girl's Guide to Polyamory: Everything You Need to Know About Open Relationships, Non-Monogamy, and Alternative Love Paperback – February 7, 2017

by Dedeker Winston (Author)
4.6 4.6 out of 5 stars 489 ratings
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No one likes a know-it-all, but everyone loves a girl with brains and heart. The Smart Girl's Guide to Polyamory is an intelligent and comprehensive guide to polyamory, open relationships, and other forms of alternative love, offering relationship advice radically different from anything you'll find on the magazine rack.

This practical guidebook will help women break out of the mold of traditional monogamy, without the constraints of jealousy, possessiveness, insecurity, and competition. The Smart Girl's Guide to Polyamory incorporates interviews and real-world advice from women of all ages in nontraditional relationships, as well as exercises for building self-awareness, confidence in communication, and strategies for managing and eliminating jealousy. If you're curious about opening up your current monogamous relationship, exploring group sex, or ready to "come out" as polyamorous, this book covers it all!

Whether you're a seasoned graduate, a timid freshman, or somewhere in between, you'll learn how to craft unique relationships that are healthy, happy, sexy, and tailor-made for you. Because when it comes to your love life, being a know-it-all is actually a great thing to be.
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  1. Print length
    280 pages
  2. Language
    English
  3. Publisher
    Skyhorse
  4. Publication date
    February 7, 2017
  5. Dimensions
    6 x 0.7 x 9 inches
  6. ISBN-10
    1510712089
  7. ISBN-13
    978-1510712089
  8. See all details
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Editorial Reviews

Review

“‘Smart’ is definitely the right word for this thoughtful, well-researched, and practical guide to the female side of polyamory.” —Janet W. Hardy, coauthor, The Ethical Slut

"More than just a 'glimpse into a world outside the status quo,' Dedeker Wilson’s new book The Smart Girl’s Guide to Polyamory guides readers on a sassy romp through introducing and defining polyamory, to finding out what others have said about it, and ending up outside the classroom, the closet, and the norm. Witty and substantial at the same time, this is the perfect book for anyone seeking an informative and entertaining 'alternative education on love.'" —Elisabeth Sheff, author of The Polyamorists Next Door, Stories from the Polycule, and When Someone you Love is Polyamorous

"Behind the modern polyamory movement is a deeper concept: relationship choice. Dedeker Winston explains, with wit and insight, how you can shed society's off-the-shelf, one-size-fits-all relationship model and successfully design your own. You and your partner, or partners, can build your intimate lives together in new ways that work best for all of you— ethically, honestly, and with mutual care and understanding. . . .

"Women are leading this movement, and Winston is one of the smartest. As she tells from experience, it won't be easy. Designer relationships require extraordinary communication, self-insight, and good hearts all around. And a fearless embrace of agency and autonomy, in both yourself and others. The poly community's collective wisdom—hard-earned through sometimes bitter experience -- will be a huge aid in avoiding known pitfalls and not re-inventing wheels. Whether you end up choosing 'conscious monogamy' or one of the many types of ethical nonmonogamy, this book will point you right." —Alan MacRobert, Polyamory in the News
“Written with women in mind, Winston’s book is a colorfully written manual for anyone who’s curious about what polyamory does and doesn’t mean, or who’s realizing that traditional relationships may not be for them." —Inverse

“‘Smart’ is definitely the right word for this thoughtful, well-researched, and practical guide to the female side of polyamory.” —Janet W. Hardy, coauthor, The Ethical Slut

"More than just a 'glimpse into a world outside the status quo,' Dedeker Wilson’s new book The Smart Girl’s Guide to Polyamory guides readers on a sassy romp through introducing and defining polyamory, to finding out what others have said about it, and ending up outside the classroom, the closet, and the norm. Witty and substantial at the same time, this is the perfect book for anyone seeking an informative and entertaining 'alternative education on love.'" —Elisabeth Sheff, author of The Polyamorists Next Door, Stories from the Polycule, and When Someone you Love is Polyamorous

"Behind the modern polyamory movement is a deeper concept: relationship choice. Dedeker Winston explains, with wit and insight, how you can shed society's off-the-shelf, one-size-fits-all relationship model and successfully design your own. You and your partner, or partners, can build your intimate lives together in new ways that work best for all of you— ethically, honestly, and with mutual care and understanding. . . .

"Women are leading this movement, and Winston is one of the smartest. As she tells from experience, it won't be easy. Designer relationships require extraordinary communication, self-insight, and good hearts all around. And a fearless embrace of agency and autonomy, in both yourself and others. The poly community's collective wisdom—hard-earned through sometimes bitter experience -- will be a huge aid in avoiding known pitfalls and not re-inventing wheels. Whether you end up choosing 'conscious monogamy' or one of the many types of ethical nonmonogamy, this book will point you right." —Alan MacRobert, Polyamory in the News
“Written with women in mind, Winston’s book is a colorfully written manual for anyone who’s curious about what polyamory does and doesn’t mean, or who’s realizing that traditional relationships may not be for them." —Inverse

About the Author

Dedeker Winston was raised to be a wholesome, born-again Christian conservative but later opted to be a sex-positive polyamory activist, relationship coach, reality-TV celebrity, and nude model. She currently provides one-on-one coaching services for people transitioning into non-monogamy. When she isn't coaching, writing, or spending time with her multiple partners, she enjoys backpacking around the globe, playing video games, and obsessively applying lip balm. She is from Chico, California. 

Product details

  • Publisher ‏ : ‎ Skyhorse (February 7, 2017)
  • Language ‏ : ‎ English
  • Paperback ‏ : ‎ 280 pages
  • ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 1510712089
  • ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-1510712089
  • Item Weight ‏ : ‎ 1.1 pounds
  • Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 6 x 0.7 x 9 inches
  • Customer Reviews:
    4.6 4.6 out of 5 stars 489 ratings

About the author

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Dedeker Winston

Dedeker Winston

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Dedeker is a relationship coach, writer, podcast host, and advocate for polyamory and non-traditional relationships. She is the author of The Smart Girl's Guide to Polyamory: Everything You Need to Know about Open Relationships, Non-Monogamy, and Alternative Love, published by Skyhorse Press.

Customer reviews

4.6 out of 5 stars
4.6 out of 5
489 global ratings
A fantastic book for ALL genders!
5 Stars
A fantastic book for ALL genders!
"A Smart Girl's Guide to Polyamory" is the perfect book for anyone considering a foray into the world of non-monogamy, or indeed, anyone interested in the topic of non-traditional relationship dynamics. It's a quick read, super easy to digest, and the exercises at the back of each chapter encourage self analysis and active understanding of the core concepts of the book. I'm male identified, and I never once felt like the book was talking around me, or that I should be reading a different text. This book holds a spot on the shelf right up next to "More Than Two" and other Poly "bibles" as a must read text for anyone looking to understand more about non-monogamy, regardless of gender expression.
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Top reviews from the United States

A. Perkins
5.0 out of 5 stars Worth the read for n00bs and experienced practitioners alike
Reviewed in the United States on February 5, 2017
Verified Purchase
As a frequent listener of the Multiamory podcast, of which the author is a co-host, much of the content in the book was familiar ground to me. I say that not as a complaint but as a compliment: the podcast as a whole has consistently delivered at providing practical, even-handed, and thoughtful commentary on topics relating to polyamory and non-monogamy. This translates well into the written form as well.

Other mainstream books on polyamory are often criticized as being either too rah-rah (The Ethical Slut) or too gloom-and-doom (More Than Two). I don't know that I would necessarily agree on that point myself, but The Smart Girl's Guide to Polyamory does take a nicely realistic and balanced view of the positives and negatives, the benefits and the pitfalls.

Dedeker Winston's writing is friendly and approachable, commonly drawing from her own personal experiences and those of her close circles; the text avoids being too heavily bogged down by jargon while still being informative to newbies at describing the ever-growing lexicon unique to the non-monogamy community.

While I'm neither a girl nor particularly smart, I am happy to say that The Smart Girl's Guide to Polyamory was well worth the read, and I'd very much recommend it to anyone who is just beginning to get their feet wet in the often confusing waters of non-monogamy as well as to experienced practitioners who might want to use the book (and its useful homework assignments) as a refresher.
21 people found this helpful
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erre13
5.0 out of 5 stars Great Overview
Reviewed in the United States on December 6, 2023
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This is a great overview of polyamory to someone who is learning about it. It should definitely be on a "must read" list for anyone looking into resources and wanting to understand more.
One person found this helpful
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Amazon Customer
4.0 out of 5 stars Polyamory For The Uninitiated
Reviewed in the United States on May 1, 2020
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Well thought out and presented information about polyamorous relationships. All aspects of initiating, developing and maintaining relationships are covered here. The challenges of nontraditional sex roles and connections are laid out along with precepts for managing the many questions such relationships provoke.
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jason greenberg
5.0 out of 5 stars THIS book! For Anyone wanting to learn about Polyamory or just relationships in general! Excellent!
Reviewed in the United States on May 22, 2017
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This is an excellent book for anyone who wants to learn about polyamory or even just relationships in general. I am a man, not a “smart girl”, but I found this book to be equally relevant for any gendered person looking to learn about or deepen their knowledge on Polyamory or just to be a better partner. The book is very well written, easy to read, very thorough and extremely helpful. It includes real life examples as well as a lot of very helpful practical advice. Even if you are certain that you are a monogamist, this book is full of information and practical advice that could help make anyone a better partner or lover. It also includes a helpful glossary for those of us who are not perfectly clear with some terminology. I gobbled this book up, cover to cover, in less than a week, which is very fast for me. I highly recommend this book to anyone and everyone.
5 people found this helpful
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Teaa Bradley
5.0 out of 5 stars Great poly book for everyone!
Reviewed in the United States on February 1, 2017
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I have been polyamorous for a few years, and in a social circle surrounded by poly friends for almost 20 years at this point. Changing my monogamish marriage to a fully polyamorous one has been an incredible journey, filled with so much learning. Books like this are so helpful in making this journey a healthy and happy one. Dedeker Winston writes with warmth and fun and a lot of human understanding. She makes non-monogamy feel accessible and has very good practical advice. Some of which I have already used and has made my life better! I'm going to be recommending this book to people of all genders for years to come!
2 people found this helpful
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rachelkrantz
5.0 out of 5 stars very useful book~
Reviewed in the United States on April 9, 2022
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Winston’s practical guide is useful not just for those practicing polyamory, but really for anyone who wants to improve their communication skills and learn about different relationship models. With exercises drawing on Buddhist thought in every chapter, Winston’s guide is a straightforward but not silly read that empowers you to define your romantic life by asking yourself questions. Winston writes, “‘What is love to me? What am I going to do about it?’ The answer may always be a moving target, shifting and swaying and making sudden left turns.”
6 people found this helpful
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Caitlin Cooper
5.0 out of 5 stars Insightful
Reviewed in the United States on August 30, 2017
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I learned so much from reading this book. I recommend this book for ANY person who wants to have an honest relationship (or multiple) that values mutual respect whether it be monogamous, polyamorous, etc. Winston's experience is really helpful for someone who is trying to understand how they want Polyamory to fit into their life. She goes in depth about how to communicate, how to be as safe as possible for those who have sex with multiple partners, and she discusses the details of many different poly situations and relevant ways to think about relationships. I'm so happy I read this book. More than worth the money spent.
3 people found this helpful
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Dennis Allison
5.0 out of 5 stars Helpful hints for the poly people and wanabes
Reviewed in the United States on July 8, 2021
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The Smart Girl's Guide to Polyamory shows the power of intentional relationships. Dedeker Winston shows herself to be intelligent, compassionate, vulnerable, literate, and funny. When I finished the book, I wanted to run off to wherever she is and join her tribe. We are blessed that she was able to transcend her wholesome conservative Christian upbringing to become an activist for alternative relationships. Her message is clear: women (actually everyone) can and should understand what they want and need and then actively craft relationships that meet their needs.
3 people found this helpful
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Top reviews from other countries

Emma
5.0 out of 5 stars Fabulous and not just for poly folk
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on July 29, 2021
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I loved this book, the authors approach to self exploration and management of ones own beliefs is really caring and warm and encouraging. I’ve learned a lot about my own understanding of love and sex just by completing the exercises held within the chapters. Really eye opening and was nice to read something that gave experience to my own private thoughts 💖
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Siddharth
4.0 out of 5 stars Book delivered within time
Reviewed in India on November 19, 2018
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It is a informative book which i have started reading.
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Josee McOrmond
5.0 out of 5 stars From history to how to - great info!
Reviewed in Canada on March 20, 2017
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Loved it! Great read for the newbie or even the already experienced. Applicable not only to women, but everyone who wants to explore poly or loves someone that does.
One person found this helpful
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Jen
4.0 out of 5 stars Great
Reviewed in Australia on November 29, 2018
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Excellent, sensible, heartfelt advice for all relationships, not just poly
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jenna
5.0 out of 5 stars Insightful
Reviewed in Canada on October 9, 2017
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A completely accessible, honest and frank discussion of a the nitty gritty when considering an open relationship. Hope reigns throughout, for oneself and their partners
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