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So, What's Your Proposal?: Shifting High-Conflict People from Blaming to Problem-Solving in 30 Seconds! Paperback – September 16, 2014

by Bill Eddy (Author)
4.7 4.7 out of 5 stars 118 ratings
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Complain! Complain! Complain! Have you ever dealt with high-conflict people who blame you or others for one problem after another without taking any responsibility themselves? Don’t you feel like wringing their necks?

Instead, consider the simple method taught in this book for getting them out of the past and away from blaming everyone else. Get them to quickly focus on the future, take responsibility and contribute to finding solutions to problems – including those they created themselves or any problem.

When people complain and blame you, you don’t need to defend yourself or get angry back. Just calmly say: “So, what’s your proposal?” and focus on teaching the simple 3-step method explained in this book. This method will help you stay calm and confident, while earning the respect of those around you – even those who want to blame you!

And blame is abundant these days! Every day dozens, if not hundreds, of people confront us at work, at the store, in our communities and online. Nerves get on edge. More and more people get stuck blaming others for anything that goes wrong. With high-conflict people increasing in society, with the 24-hour news cycle, and with Twitter, Facebook and the Internet, we hear constantly about the worst behavior of other people and dozens of terrible problems. The strong temptation is to react and blame others back. However, this just feeds the problem.

This book shifts the conversation from the past and blame, to the future and problem-solving. The book teaches a simple method which can be used by almost anyone. It will help the reader stay calm and confident, while also keeping the focus on solving problems, rather than blaming people.

But it takes practice, which is why this book gives so many examples. The reader will earn the respect of those around him or her. We have seen it happen over and over again – many times in just 30 seconds.

Another helpful tool to communicate effectively with high-conflict people is BIFF: Quick Responses to High-Conflict People, Their Hostile Email, Personal Attacks and Social Media Meltdowns, also by Bill Eddy.
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Previous page
  1. Print length
    150 pages
  2. Language
    English
  3. Publisher
    Unhooked Books
  4. Publication date
    September 16, 2014
  5. Dimensions
    5.4 x 0.4 x 8.4 inches
  6. ISBN-10
    1936268620
  7. ISBN-13
    978-1936268627
  8. See all details
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BIFF for CoParent Communication: Your Guide to Difficult Texts, Emails, and Social Media Posts (Conflict Communication Series
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Editorial Reviews

Review


“In his newest must read book, Master Attorney/Mediator/ Therapist, Bill Eddy shows you how to stop the blame game and consciously shift conflict quickly into creative solutions. This book is crucial for anyone who has to deal with difficult people at home or in business!”
—Mari J. Frank, Esq. CIPP, attorney/mediator, and author of Negotiation Breakthroughs; co-author of The Gift in Conflict for Couples.

“Not only does Bill’s book show “how to” redirect judgmental dialogue to problem-solving focus, he, also explains why this simple 3-step process works. All the reader has to do is practice, practice, practice. What a wonderful resource in dealing with persons unable to focus on solving the problem. “
—Sheldon (Shelly) E. Finman, Family Law Attorney & Mediator, Ft. Myers, Florida

“This is nothing short of brilliant. I spend a lot of time negotiating settlements in contentious divorce cases. This process is revolutionary in helping people moving through difficult negotiations. I wish I had this years ago.”
—Molly B. Kenny, Attorney, Seattle, Washington

“So, What’s Your Proposal? is a question literally designed to short-circuit the brain in stressful situations. Using the techniques described by attorney Bill Eddy in this work, you can immediately stop the negativity and gently shift participants from all-or-nothing into flexible thinking. This practice is useful not just for those of us who deal with high conflict people, but in any situation where the parties are stuck in negotiations and need to generate creative options.
—Michèle Huff, J.D., lawyer/meditator and author of The Transformative Negotiator: Changing the Way We Come to Agreement from the Inside Out.



“In his newest must read book, Master Attorney/Mediator/ Therapist, Bill Eddy shows you how to stop the blame game and consciously shift conflict quickly into creative solutions. This book is crucial for anyone who has to deal with difficult people at home or in business!”
―Mari J. Frank, Esq. CIPP, attorney/mediator, and author of Negotiation Breakthroughs; co-author of The Gift in Conflict for Couples.

“Not only does Bill’s book show “how to” redirect judgmental dialogue to problem-solving focus, he, also explains why this simple 3-step process works. All the reader has to do is practice, practice, practice. What a wonderful resource in dealing with persons unable to focus on solving the problem. “
―Sheldon (Shelly) E. Finman, Family Law Attorney & Mediator, Ft. Myers, Florida

“This is nothing short of brilliant. I spend a lot of time negotiating settlements in contentious divorce cases. This process is revolutionary in helping people moving through difficult negotiations. I wish I had this years ago.”
―Molly B. Kenny, Attorney, Seattle, Washington

“So, What’s Your Proposal? is a question literally designed to short-circuit the brain in stressful situations. Using the techniques described by attorney Bill Eddy in this work, you can immediately stop the negativity and gently shift participants from all-or-nothing into flexible thinking. This practice is useful not just for those of us who deal with high conflict people, but in any situation where the parties are stuck in negotiations and need to generate creative options.
―Michèle Huff, J.D., lawyer/meditator and author of The Transformative Negotiator: Changing the Way We Come to Agreement from the Inside Out.

From the Inside Flap

Blame is abundant these days! Every day people confront us at work, at the store, at home, in our communities and online. Nerves get on edge. More and more people get stuck blaming others for anything that goes wrong. With high-conflict people increasing in society, the 24-hour news cycle, and social media, we are continually barraged with the worst behaviors of other people. The strong temptation is to react, defend yourself and blame them back.

Instead, consider the simple So, What&;s Your Proposal? method for pulling them out of the past and away from blaming everyone else. Get them to quickly: focus on the future; take responsibility; contribute to finding solutions to problems – including those they created themselves.

You will stay calm and confident, while earning the respect of those around you – even those who want to blame you!

“In his newest must read book So, What&;s Your Proposal? Shifting High-Conflict People from Blaming to Problem-Solving in 30 Seconds, Master Attorney/Mediator/ Therapist, Bill Eddy shows you how to stop the blame game and consciously shift conflict quickly into creative solutions. This book is crucial for anyone who has to deal with difficult people at home or in business!&;
—Mari J. Frank, Esq. CIPP, attorney/mediator, and author of Negotiations Breakthroughs; co-author of The Gift in Conflict for Couples.


Product details

  • Publisher ‏ : ‎ Unhooked Books (September 16, 2014)
  • Language ‏ : ‎ English
  • Paperback ‏ : ‎ 150 pages
  • ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 1936268620
  • ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-1936268627
  • Item Weight ‏ : ‎ 7.5 ounces
  • Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 5.4 x 0.4 x 8.4 inches
  • Customer Reviews:
    4.7 4.7 out of 5 stars 118 ratings

About the author

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Bill Eddy

Bill Eddy

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Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq. is the co-founder and Chief Innovation Officer of the High Conflict Institute in San Diego, California. He pioneered the High Conflict Personality Theory (HCP) and has become an expert on managing disputes involving people with high conflict personalities. He was the Senior Family Mediator at the National Conflict Resolution Center for 15 years, a Certified Family Law Specialist lawyer representing clients in family court for 15 years, and a licensed clinical social worker therapist with twelve years’ experience.

He serves on the faculty of the Straus Institute for Dispute Resolution at the Pepperdine University School of Law inCalifornia and is a Conjoint Associate Professor with the University of Newcastle Law School in Australia. He has been a speaker and trainer in over 30 U.S. states and 10 countries.

He is the author or co-author of twenty books and has a popular blog on the Psychology Today website with over 4.0 million views.

Customer reviews

4.7 out of 5 stars
4.7 out of 5
118 global ratings

Top reviews from the United States

Michael
5.0 out of 5 stars Excellent book for business or personal
Reviewed in the United States on June 15, 2015
Verified Purchase
I will preface my review by saying I am a supporter of Bill Eddy and the High Conflict Institute's work. They provide ongoing, practical, easy-to-implement approaches to problem solving situations and challenging individuals.

This book was one I wanted to have because you can never have enough approaches in interactions with resistant or aggressive people, with people who might have attack-dog personalities and behaviors.

What I like is the how the book talks about brain science in a simple manner, then shows how you can redirect difficult people out of the negative, progress-inhibiting emotions and behavior into problem solving, encouraging their input, ideas and autonomy, which can lead to collaboration.

So, what's your proposal is not some overly simplistic, impractical, and theory based. It's quite the opposite.

In business or your personal life, it can be applied.

The book reads easy, quick and makes you think.

You will be happy with your return on investment (purchase price). I'm ready to start applying the thinking and techniques to become more effective and help highly emotional people learn new ways to help themselves solve their problems.
8 people found this helpful
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Akil the hiker
5.0 out of 5 stars I may never have a bad arguement again.
Reviewed in the United States on October 20, 2019
Verified Purchase
A simply depicted, academic and anecdotal explanation of how to handle high conflict individuals or discussions. The author helps readers shift conversations from blame, to problem solving with or without a mediator. It is useful for contentious divorces, or benign squabbles that may fall off he rails. This quick read can arm you with the tools you need to stay above the drama and put it in order at the same time. Loved this one!
3 people found this helpful
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dredaker
5.0 out of 5 stars You do not need to have a PHD in order to have positive relationships.
Reviewed in the United States on October 16, 2015
Verified Purchase
This approach to high conflict people is simple, direct and easy to implement in any relationship whether professional or in friendships. One does not need to have a PH.D. in order to have healthy communications and avoid the pitfalls of being in contact with high conflict individuals. Great and easy read.
4 people found this helpful
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Customer
4.0 out of 5 stars Fast read, practical advice, realistic examples
Reviewed in the United States on March 11, 2015
Verified Purchase
An effective book that provides practical advice accompanied by compelling and realistic examples. The author, a seasoned therapist turned attorney-mediator, lends credible insight to the dynamics behind high conflict situations. While the book is geared towards conflict resolution professionals, it will likely prove helpful to anyone who has ever or will ever encounter a high conflict personality, which is to say everyone. I just ordered another of Bill Eddy's books. I trust it will prove equally worthwhile.
7 people found this helpful
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Mary
5.0 out of 5 stars Absolutely fantastic!
Reviewed in the United States on February 13, 2018
Verified Purchase
Simple, effective & easy to understand: a must read for anyone working in challenging work places or dealing with high conflict individuals.
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Melanie
5.0 out of 5 stars Highly recommend this book
Reviewed in the United States on November 5, 2020
Verified Purchase
Great tool for mediators!
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Karen Paxton
5.0 out of 5 stars very interesting approach
Reviewed in the United States on April 12, 2015
Verified Purchase
HCP individuals abound. Good to get some solid practical advice from someone who has used it. Interesting insights into why these people get this way and how unaware of themselves and the consequences of their own behaviour.
3 people found this helpful
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ACustomer
3.0 out of 5 stars The content of this book could have been conveyed in ...
Reviewed in the United States on March 16, 2016
Verified Purchase
The content of this book could have been conveyed in a three page essay. There are more comprehensive resources available.
5 people found this helpful
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Top reviews from other countries

K Vermeersch
5.0 out of 5 stars Purchaser
Reviewed in Canada on May 25, 2020
Verified Purchase
Bill Eddy is a writer, a lawyer and a therapist. Who could be more qualified to speak to this topic ? He has written books, has a website and has courses made up that help you these issues....some of which are recognized in American and Canadian Courts. His books are well written and seem to always lead to buying more (thank you to the author).
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Shan E.D.
5.0 out of 5 stars So what your proposal?
Reviewed in Canada on August 20, 2020
Verified Purchase
So powerful, this concept. I bought one for my sister when I bought mine. Today I am ordering 2 more each, to give to our kids. Helpful in the workplace, relationships and dealing with the public. ❤️❤️
One person found this helpful
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Ellen
5.0 out of 5 stars So, What’s Your Proposal
Reviewed in Canada on December 13, 2019
Verified Purchase
Love the book. It gives your real ideas on have to handle High-Conflict and people how are stuck in positions. Very helpful and easy to read. Great and simply advice.
One person found this helpful
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Kathryn
5.0 out of 5 stars Five Stars
Reviewed in Canada on December 16, 2016
Verified Purchase
Easy to read and implement.
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