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Steven Stosny
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You Don't Have to Take it Anymore: Turn Your Resentful, Angry, or Emotionally Abusive Relationship into a Compassionate, Loving One Kindle Edition

by Steven Stosny (Author) Format: Kindle Edition
4.5 4.5 out of 5 stars 323 ratings
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As many as one-third of all American women tiptoe through life as if they are walking on eggshells -- at home, they spend most of their time trying to avoid criticism, anger, put-downs, or cold shoulders from their husbands or boyfriends. This verbal and emotional abuse can erupt over anything and everything, matters large and small: housework, cooking, work, spending money, buying household items and clothes for the kids, and going out. Clearly, verbal and emotional abuse is a serious problem.

Relationship expert Dr. Steven Stosny has been featured on national media for the revolutionary techniques he uses in his Compassion-Power and Boot Camp programs, which help men rewire their resentment and anger, stop using emotionally abusive language and behavior, and compassionately recommit to their marriages and families.

Now, in You Don't Have to Take It Anymore, Dr. Stosny puts his effective, highly sought-after program into print, making it widely available for the first time for women who want to stop walking on eggshells. Drawing on his seventeen years of experience treating thousands of clients, Dr. Stosny explains the many different forms a verbally and emotionally abusive relationship can take. He explains how to identify abuse and why it's important to take action to change the relationship -- for not only is verbal and emotional abuse monumentally destructive to both the adults in the relationship, it also hurts their children. Dr. Stosny shows women and men how to apply his methods at home, shows women how to get their men to change, and demonstrates how they can know if change is permanent. Additionally, Dr. Stosny's program helps women recover from the pain and abuse by practicing self-healing skills so that they can reclaim their natural sense of competence and confidence. Using language that is more compassionate and accessible than in any other book on relationship abuse -- and different tactics from most other therapies and therapists -- You Don't Have to Take It Anymore presents a practical program that both women and men can use to stop verbal and emotional abuse.
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  1. Print length
    384 pages
  2. Language
    English
  3. Sticky notes
    On Kindle Scribe
  4. Publisher
    Atria Books
  5. Publication date
    January 10, 2006
  6. File size
    3268 KB
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Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

If you're always walking on eggshells around your partner, Stosny is writing for you. The CompassionPower founder and relationship expert draws examples and exercises from his experience working with couples as he discusses core values, anger management, power struggles and reconstruction. Resentment is Stosny's main target (not possible underlying depression, anxiety or other factors). The approach may provide false hope if the reader's reality is too complex for self-help, but it could also foster important life changes. (Jan. 10)
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.

Review

"This stunning book will touch men and women in powerful and different ways. A hard-nosed yet compassionate and hopeful look into the heart of toxic resentment in marriage. No married man or woman who reads this book carefully will be the same afterward."

-- William J. Doherty, PhD, Director of the Marriage and Family Therapy Program at the University of Minnesota, author of Take Back Your Marriage

Product details

  • ASIN ‏ : ‎ B000FCKS1E
  • Publisher ‏ : ‎ Atria Books (January 10, 2006)
  • Publication date ‏ : ‎ January 10, 2006
  • Language ‏ : ‎ English
  • File size ‏ : ‎ 3268 KB
  • Text-to-Speech ‏ : ‎ Enabled
  • Screen Reader ‏ : ‎ Supported
  • Enhanced typesetting ‏ : ‎ Enabled
  • X-Ray ‏ : ‎ Not Enabled
  • Word Wise ‏ : ‎ Enabled
  • Sticky notes ‏ : ‎ On Kindle Scribe
  • Print length ‏ : ‎ 384 pages
  • Customer Reviews:
    4.5 4.5 out of 5 stars 323 ratings

About the author

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Steven Stosny

Steven Stosny

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Steven Stosny, Ph.D., is the founder of CompassionPower in suburban Washington, DC. Dr. Steven Stosny's most recent books are, Soar Above: how to Use the Most Profound Part of Your Brain under Any Kind of Stress, Living & Loving after Betrayal, Love without Hurt: Turn Your Resentful, Angry, or Emotionally Abusive Relationship into a Compassionate, Loving One and How to Improve Your Marriage without Talking about It: Finding Love beyond Words. He has appeared on 'The Oprah Winfrey Show,' 'CBS Sunday Morning,' and CNN's 'Talkback Live' and 'Anderson Cooper 360' and has been the subject of articles in, The New York Times, The Washington Post, U.S. News & World Report, The Wall Street Journal, Esquire, Cosmopolitan, O, Psychology Today, AP, Reuters, and USA Today. He has offered hundreds of workshops all over the world and has presented at most of the leading professional conferences. He has treated over 6,000 clients for various forms of resentment, anger, abuse, and violence. He has taught at the University of Maryland and at St. Mary's College of Maryland. His blog on Psychologytoday.com has had nearly 9 million views.

Customer reviews

4.5 out of 5 stars
4.5 out of 5
323 global ratings

Top reviews from the United States

K. Farmer
5.0 out of 5 stars Great review, bad relationship
Reviewed in the United States on January 22, 2024
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I read this book after being accused by my now ex-wife of being emotionally abusive. The book was outstanding, my favorite part was the detailed description of verbal/emotional abuse tactics like blame-shifting and projection. They are written with examples and a focus on recognizing when they are at play.
To my surprise, I learned my ex-wife was using most of these tactics on me. There were also some I was guilty of (stonewalling). I tried the author's recommended corrections and responses.

Unfortunately, we didn't get to the "Compassionate, Loving" relationship part of the book. But having knowledge and awareness of these tactics was empowering and life-changing. The book disappeared soon after I invited my ex to work through our issues together. I now believe she suffered from NPD and was incapable. Regardless, I learned to A) be more self-aware and B) set and defend boundaries. These are priceless life lessons that have helped mold my current relationship into that "Compassionate, Loving" one I was searching for all along.
One person found this helpful
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brian friend
5.0 out of 5 stars Great book.
Reviewed in the United States on January 3, 2024
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This is one of the most helpful books I have ever read. It gives men a concise method to implement real and lasting relationships change. I highly recommend this book.
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Jennifer M Amstutz
5.0 out of 5 stars the most helpful book I have ever read in understanding my spouse
Reviewed in the United States on December 24, 2010
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In my desperation to understand why my relationship with my husband has been fraught with pain and anger, I have read tens of books on the subject of verbal and emotional abuse, and gender dynamics- and I have never found a book as well-researched, compassionate and practical as Stosny's. I felt like I had many epiphanies in understanding what the pattern is between my husband and I, and it helped me tremendously to see things from his point of view, and be more compassionate with him. I also learned so much about the physiology of men and women and why we respond to stimulus the way we do. I learned to be more compassionate with myself and not take things so personally. I was so inspired, that my husband and I attended Stosny's Boot Camp last year and found tremendous improvement in our relationship.

Dr. Stosny has spent 25 years (I believe) studying the science behind the emotional life of men and women, and developed the most understandable and hopeful and scientific methods of retraining our brains to behave with rationality. Abuse issues are very very hard to correct, and my husband still struggles with old habits- but overall, his and my understanding of why we do what we do, that we are behaving how we were wired to behave, and what works and doesn't- helps us tremendously to be compassionate towards ourselves and the other.This book has helped me in other relationships in my life (like with my children), to develop the ability to see things from the other person's point of view- and while I may not agree with their point of view, I can see that we are all human and deal with situations in a more constructive and powerful manner.

I highly highly recommend this book to anyone struggling to understand the pain and hurt of a volatile relationship and looking for sound advice and ideas.
21 people found this helpful
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4 long life
4.0 out of 5 stars Good so far.
Reviewed in the United States on September 14, 2009
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I read the first half and I spoke with my husband about the second half. He did decide to read it; especially considering the next step is counseling. Why do counseling if you don't have to!

He was still confused about how to talk to me when something is really out of hand like the credit card. He doesn't understand how to exercise compassion, yet let me know that it is a serious matter. I have the credit card and he doesn't have control over that. He thinks I spend too much on groceries and gas (800-900 dollars each month for a rural area + I go to college 45 min away). I have no way of knowing if this is reasonable.

Since we were able to talk about a lot of ideas in the book together it significantly helped him. Since he only read it yesterday, only time will tell now how it worked. He didn't do the exercises in writing; but I think he did them in his head. He felt horrible after reading it; and it's a good thing he realizes what it does to me. I will be sure to complement him on his good attributes. He felt like some of it went over his head because of the psychology lingo; but I am going to read it and see if he has any questions. It helps that I have a psychology background.

He looked over my exercises also and this opened his eyes as well.
12 people found this helpful
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Ursula Black
5.0 out of 5 stars Most effective method to end abuse and save your relationship
Reviewed in the United States on July 12, 2011
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The Stosny book can't be compared to anything else I've read because it has something all other books lack: true insights, and solutions. Abuser programs have abysmally low success rates. I asked our local abuser program "Why do you do this with it almost never succeeds?" Because these men won't change without help and low success is better than no success, they said. It's true that most abusive men, without help, worsen.

Stosny explains why abuser programs don't work, and why almost no men will go into them unless court-ordered.

I have read many books on abusive relationships. The Patricia Evans books described the dynamic accurately from the woman's point of view. They lacked in-depth understanding of why a man does something so unacceptable and destructive, and they lacked solutions. Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft was the clearest and most lucid book I had read, but it too lacks solutions. Stosny's methods, which are grounded in solid science and his long experience, including experience with court-ordered abusers, truly offer a way out. No other book has the depth of insight or the effectiveness this book has.
Stosny's Boot Camp, a three-day workshop teaching how to end abuse and save a realationship is much easier to assimilate than the book, I recommend that if you are suffering. This training can prevent abuse and prevent divorce in the vast majority of cases. I think it would prevent road rage, child abuse, suicide, and murder, which spring from a common root. I just wish it were available in more forms (for instance, as pre-marital counseling and pre-parenting counseling) and available to everyone who needs it. Long live Dr. Stosny, he saved our marriage and I will be grateful to him as long as I live. I wish I could give this ten stars.
75 people found this helpful
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Top reviews from other countries

Julia Noyel - Art of a different, happy & healthy life
5.0 out of 5 stars Really liked this book. Great advice.
Reviewed in France on June 6, 2018
Verified Purchase
Different approach. Gentle and loving, compassionate approach. Great book and author. Very helpful exercises and checklist. Thank you so much.
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Anne-Marie
5.0 out of 5 stars This is THE book
Reviewed in Canada on September 2, 2013
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I have read dozens of books on the subject. While they all had something valuable to contribute, this one gets to the core of the issue. I had so many "ah-ha" moments - I cried, got upset, and experienced the whole gamut of emotions that only a person who has been walking on eggshells for years can experience.

We have done 2 years of couples' counselling with a great therapist. I changed my communication style (I did need a bit of work in that area), consistently worked hard at listening, validating, not reacting and attempting to reach out with "I" statements, free of accusation and blame. We are now worse off than before. How is that possible?

It is true that even if your spouse refuses to do the "bootcamp" section of the book, you will find your own value. After years of blaming myself for "pushing his buttons" and being told that if I were a better spouse, things would be perfect between us, I am finding peace and finally realizing that I am not the cause of his anger.

Thank you, Dr. Stosny, for such an insightful book!
3 people found this helpful
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Diane Priestley
5.0 out of 5 stars The Ultimate Guide to Loving Marriage
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on December 23, 2010
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Steven Stosny is a master; a brilliant, insightful psychologist and an incisive writer. He illuminates the issues of relationships with stunning clarity.
Along with his other book, How To Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It, this is the most profound book on marriage I've ever read and I have read quite a few!
Stosny delves deeply into the underlying dynamics of vulnerability, resentment and blame and explains why partners behave so hurtfully and irrationally.
Unlike other marriage books that focus on behaviour, this one explores unconscious, hidden issues and offers sound, practical skills for overcoming them and achieving a truly loving marriage.
We all know how important it is to make a marriage work for our own happiness and for our children and we all witness the lasting tragedy of divorce. Stosny offers struggling couples the definitive manifesto for finding the intimacy and compassion and key to family happiness we all yearn for.
I highly recommend it to every husband and wife.

Diane Priestley
Journalist
9 people found this helpful
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Bronwyn Belle
5.0 out of 5 stars Real Help for Troubled Relationships
Reviewed in Australia on April 12, 2014
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This is real help for marriages. It touches the heart to rekindle love & brings clarity & understanding to the mind. It is a tool with practical exercises that bring healing where Love has turned to hurt. Highly recommend this book! A life saver for me & my husband!
One person found this helpful
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KST2016
5.0 out of 5 stars GREAT BOOK, GREAT AUTHOR
Reviewed in Canada on May 24, 2017
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I started reading this book and went on to another one of Dr. Stosny's about healing. This book is invaluable to both partners in crisis. What I most respect about the author is his background of childhood abuse from his own father. He knows of what he speaks.

But his message is one of healing and compassion for both people to learn in order to save the marriage. It has a "Boot Camp" section at the back for husbands to go through.

Sadly, in my situation it came too late, and I don't think it works in every case when it may be impossible for an abuser to get to rational thoughts in order to heal the relationship with his wife. But I would place any bet that this program is the best out there.

I have always said, "Show me what works," and I think this is it.
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