It was relatable, authentic and easy to read - which is rare in many self-help books. From her own experiences that she shares in the book as well as her grasp of shame and codependency leave no doubt that Darlene is a true expert in this field. Even though this book feels targeted towards people that have a high level of codependency, I feel like it is applicable to everyone, as we all struggle with shame, identity and self esteem in some way or another.
Early on in the book, Darlene writes, "Helping people uncover and recover their true self and proudly stand up for who they are, without apology, is what I'm most passionate about." This rings true throughout the book. I feel more aware of who I am, I am more aware of the shame that presses down on me and I feel like I have more permission to be who I am and assert myself.
I appreciate how most of the book really dives into the detail of the problem - of identifying shame and exploring codependency so deeply before moving on to the final chapter that contains the "8 Steps to Free Your True Self." Nothing was gimmicky and came across as solid principles that I can work with.
For example, here is an excerpt from the final chapter under Step 7: Build Your Self-Esteem: "Being assertive involves risk, which is essential to sharing feelings and communicating needs in a manner that provides empowerment and safety. Essentially, this means taking positions, making requests, setting boundaries, and conveying our own thoughts and feelings without commenting on or evaluating someone else's. Developing our true self and self-esteem also requires taking action by becoming more autonomous:Learning skills, accomplishing goals, and having interests, Supportive friends, and pleasurable hobbies.
Easy? No. Gimmicky? No. True? Yes.
Here are some other excerpts that really hit home for me:
"Shame is a wound felt from the inside, dividing us both from ourselves and from one another." (pp 14)
"To feel truly loved, we must believe we're accepted for who we are, not who our parents [or anyone else] prefers." (pp 27)
"Alone, we feel empty or depressed, so we may be attracted to the enlivening effect of relationships filled with conflict and drama." (pp 30)
"Yet, whatever we deny, repress, or suppress doesn't just go away. Instead, unbeknownst to us, it influences our behavior." (pp 51)
"Withdrawal doesn't stop our feelings of unworthiness, and we risk being lonely at the cost of comfort and support of close, interdependent relationships." (pp 53)
"Once in treatment for my eating disorder, I discovered that dieting, food, and weight were not the issue. I was trying to fill a void that food could not possibly touch - soul hunger." (pp 82)
"If the deepest despair is the loss of our real self, the solution is to assume responsibility and choose to live authentically: to become our real self." (pp 85)
"Self-criticism" may be a thorn in our side, nit it is also one of the first things we can change to improve our self-esteem." (pp 96)
"We attempt to control in order to avoid taking responsibility for our feelings, our actions, and the unmet needs that cause us unhappiness. We either adjust to others or think others should adjust to us. This is an unconscious, compulsive process that differs form acceptance, self-care, and healthy compromise, which are necessary in relationships." (pp 114)
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From the Publisher
Healing from Codependency Is Possible
When was the last time you felt worthyand wanted? Can you go back to a time when you felt unashamed? Is there a time in your journey when you confidently and proudly claimed, “This is me. This is my true self!”
If you’re struggling to pinpoint a time when one or all these instances were true, you’re not alone. Shame is something we all feel. And it can linger for days, months, even years after you were humiliated, rejected or felt defective in some way. Yet somehow it feels like it just happened yesterday.
These overwhelming feelings of shame often grow into guilt, decreased boundaries, a lost sense of self, unworthiness—and ultimately codependency.
Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You takes a magnifying glass to shame as a primary cause of codependency and addiction. Throughout this book, you’ll:
· Learn what shame looks and feels like
· Understand the roots of your own shame
· Begin to recognize how shame manifests in your life
Using exercises outlined at the end of each chapter, you’ll have the tools needed to connect with your real self and see positive changes in yourself.
“My sincere hope is that this book will illuminate and further your journey toward recovering and honoring the unique qualities of your true self.” —Darlene Lancer
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Top reviews from other countries
rea mühlthau
Great book to work on shame and codependency
Reviewed in Germany on March 4, 2020
LENY
Nice Introduction to relationship implications
Reviewed in Japan on October 29, 2016