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Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

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Dear Ijeawele, or A Feminist Manifesto in Fifteen Suggestions Kindle Edition

by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie (Author) Format: Kindle Edition

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NATIONAL BESTSELLER • The award-winning author of We Should All Be Feminists and Americanah gives us this powerful statement about feminism today—written as a letter to a friend.

A few years ago, Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie received a letter from a childhood friend, a new mother who wanted to know how to raise her baby girl to be a feminist. Dear Ijeawele is Adichie’s letter of response: fifteen invaluable suggestions—direct, wryly funny, and perceptive—for how to empower a daughter to become a strong, independent woman. Filled with compassionate guidance and advice, it gets right to the heart of sexual politics in the twenty-first century, and starts a new and urgently needed conversation about what it really means to be a woman today.

A Skimm Reads Pick ● An NPR Best Book of the Year

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March 7, 2017
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Editorial Reviews

Review

“Dear Ijeawele is a volume as fierce and illuminating as bringing up a confident daughter, both with love at their core.” —O, The Oprah Magazine

“I love this book so much, for many reasons. Chimamanda is one of my favorite authors.” —Amber Tamblyn, GQ

“Adichie epitomizes and epistolizes our potential in Dear Ijeawele." —Sloane Crosely, Vanity Fair

“Personal and urgent. . . . Adichie is passionate about equality. Her new book offers 15 ways that we can encourage girls to be strong, to plant seeds of feminism. But more than that, Adichie hopes the book will help ‘move us toward a world that is more gender equal.’ Doing so means knocking down ingrained assumptions about how men and women think and behave.” —The Washington Post

“Adichie’s suggestions are logical and stated clearly, full of her dry wit, and range from the obvious (‘Do it together’) to the bold (‘Reject likeability’). . . . As much as this is a book written to mothers of daughters, fathers of daughters would benefit from reading it, too; parents in general would do well to try to raise children who won't have to grow up and read it at all. . . . Powerful and life-affirming, offering wisdom for everyone.” —The Village Voice

“Adichie has partly written Dear Ijeawele to reclaim the word feminism from its abusers and misusers. Her advice is not only to provide children with alternatives—to empower boys and girls to understand there is no single way to be—but also to understand that the only universal in this world is difference. Adichie is a brilliant novelist and a serious thinker, and she is also someone who makes no apology for her own trivial interests. Her understanding of feminism is intertwined with her understanding that we all want to be more than one thing.” —The Guardian

About the Author

CHIMAMANDA NGOZI ADICHIE's work has appeared in numerous publications, including The New Yorker and Granta. She is the author of the novels Purple Hibiscus; Half of a Yellow Sun, which won the Orange Prize; Americanah, which won the NBCC Award and was a New York Times, Washington Post, Chicago Tribune, and Entertainment Weekly Best Book of the Year; the story collection The Thing Around Your Neck; and the essay We Should All Be Feminists. A recipient of a MacArthur Fellowship, she divides her time between the United States and Nigeria.

Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.

Introduction

When a couple of years ago a friend of mine from childhood, who’d grown into a brilliant, strong, kind woman, asked me to tell her how to raise her baby girl a feminist, my first thought was that I did not know. It felt like too huge a task. But I had spoken publicly about feminism and perhaps that made her feel I was an expert on the subject. I had over the years also helped care for many babies of loved ones; I had worked as a babysitter and helped raise my nephews and nieces. I had done a lot of watching and listening, and I had done even more thinking.

In response to my friend’s request, I decided to write her a letter, which I hoped would be honest and practical, while also serving as a map of sorts for my own feminist thinking. This book is a version of that letter, with some details changed.

Now that I, too, am the mother of a delightful baby girl, I realize how easy it is to dispense advice about raising a child when you are not facing the enormously complex reality of it yourself.

Still, I think it is morally urgent to have honest conversations about raising children differently, about trying to create a fairer world for women and men.

My friend sent me a reply saying she would “try” to follow my suggestions.

And in rereading these as a mother, I, too, am determined to try.

****

Dear Ijeawele,

What joy. And what lovely names: Chizalum Adaora. She is so beautiful. Only a week old and she already looks curious about the world. What a magnificent thing you have done, bringing a human being into the world. “Congratulations” feels too slight.

Your note made me cry. You know how I get foolishly emotional sometimes. Please know that I take your charge—how to raise her feminist— very seriously. And I understand what you mean by not always knowing what the feminist response to situations should be. For me, feminism is always contextual. I don’t have a set-in-stone rule; the closest I have to a formula are my two “Feminist Tools” and I want to share them with you as a starting point.

The first is your premise, the solid unbending belief that you start off with. What is your premise? Your feminist premise should be: I matter. I matter equally. Not “if only.” Not “as long as.” I matter equally. Full stop.

The second tool is a question: Can you reverse X and get the same results?

For example: Many people believe that a woman’s feminist response to a husband’s infidelity should be to leave. But I think staying can also be a feminist choice, depending on the context. If Chudi sleeps with another woman and you forgive him, would the same be true if you slept with another man? If the answer is yes, then your choosing to forgive him can be a feminist choice because it is not shaped by a gender inequality. Sadly, the reality in most marriages is that the answer to that question would often be no, and the reason would be gender-based—that absurd idea of “men will be men,” which means having a much lower standard for men.

I have some suggestions for how to raise Chizalum. But remember that you might do all the things I suggest, and she will still turn out to be different from what you hoped, because sometimes life just does its thing. What matters is that you try. And always trust your instincts above all else, because you will be guided by your love for your child. Here are my suggestions:

first suggestion
Be a full person. Motherhood is a glorious gift, - but do not define yourself solely by motherhood. Be a full person. Your child will benefit from that. The pioneering American journalist Marlene Sanders, who was the first woman to report from Vietnam during the war (and who was the mother of a son), once gave this piece of advice to a younger journalist: “Never apologize for working. You love what you do, and loving what you do is a great gift to give your child.”

I find this to be so wise and moving. You don’t even have to love your job; you can merely love what your job does for you—the confidence and self-fulfillment that come with doing and earning.

It doesn’t surprise me that your sister-in-law says you should be a “traditional” mother and stay home, that Chudi can afford not to have a double-income family.

People will selectively use “tradition” to justify anything. Tell her that a double-income family is actually the true Igbo tradition because not only did mothers farm and trade before British colonialism, trading was exclusively done by women in some parts of Igboland. She would know this if reading books were not such an alien enterprise to her. Okay, that snark was to cheer you up. I know you are annoyed— and you should be—but it is really best to ignore her. Everybody will have an opinion about what you should do, but what matters is what you want for yourself, and not what others want you to want. Please reject the idea that motherhood and work are mutually exclusive.

Our mothers worked full-time while we were growing up, and we turned out well—at least you did; the jury is still out on me.

In these coming weeks of early motherhood, be kind to yourself. Ask for help. Expect to be helped. There is no such thing as a Superwoman. Parenting is about practice—and love. (I do wish, though, that “parent” had not been turned into a verb, which I think is the root of the global middle-class phenomenon of “parenting” as one endless, anxious journey of guilt.)

Give yourself room to fail. A new mother does not necessarily know how to calm a crying baby. Don’t assume that you should know everything. Read books, look things up on the Internet, ask older parents, or just use trial and error. But above all, let your focus be on remaining a full person. Take time for yourself. Nurture your own needs.

Please do not think of it as “doing it all.” Our culture celebrates the idea of women who are able to “do it all” but does not question the premise of that praise. I have no interest in the debate about women “doing it all” because it is a debate that assumes that caregiving and domestic work are singularly female domains, an idea that I strongly reject. Domestic work and caregiving should be gender-neutral, and we should be asking not whether a woman can “do it all” but how best to support parents in their dual duties at work and at home.

Product details

ASIN ‏ : ‎ B01N9J24Q7
Publisher ‏ : ‎ Vintage (March 7, 2017)
Publication date ‏ : ‎ March 7, 2017
Language ‏ : ‎ English
File size ‏ : ‎ 2914 KB
Text-to-Speech ‏ : ‎ Enabled
Screen Reader ‏ : ‎ Supported
Enhanced typesetting ‏ : ‎ Enabled
X-Ray ‏ : ‎ Enabled
Word Wise ‏ : ‎ Enabled
Sticky notes ‏ : ‎ On Kindle Scribe
Print length ‏ : ‎ 66 pages
Page numbers source ISBN ‏ : ‎ 152473313X

Best Sellers Rank: #140,378 in Kindle Store (See Top 100 in Kindle Store)
- #14 in Two-Hour Politics & Social Sciences Short Reads
- #47 in Gender Studies (Kindle Store)
- #61 in Feminist Theory (Kindle Store)

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CHIMAMANDA NGOZI ADICHIE's work has appeared in numerous publications, including The New Yorker and Granta. She is the author of the novels Purple Hibiscus; Half of a Yellow Sun, which won the Orange Prize; Americanah, which won the NBCC Award and was a New York Times, Washington Post, Chicago Tribune, and Entertainment Weekly Best Book of the Year; the story collection The Thing Around Your Neck; and the essay We Should All Be Feminists. A recipient of a MacArthur Fellowship, she divides her time between the United States and Nigeria.

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Sara Machado Silva

"I matter. I matter equally. Not ‘if only’. Not ‘as long as’. I matter equally. Full stop."

Reviewed in the United States on March 30, 2022

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"I matter. I matter equally. Not ‘if only’. Not ‘as long as’. I matter equally. Full stop."

This book is a very small book (65 pages) with very important messages. I wanted to highligh everything.
Please read it!

The text that follows is a personal sharing and not a comment on the book. Is is about my journey and why I am commited to educating myself about privile and feminism. Consider yourself warned, be gentle and proceed with caution.

I grew up with 5 brothers and all my life I did the same things they did: I loved stories, I played with legos, I had dolls but also cars and Dinosaurs (barbies use to ride a T-Rex), I had a bike and rollerblades and loved them. I did not like football, but not all of them did anyway, and it was mostly because of my clumsiness. I run in parks, climbed trees and got dirty. I did this almost always wearing a dress or leggins because of the freedom of movement. I was always able to choose my own clothes, except when we had lunch with my grandparents.

I grew loving books, music and board games. I love Star Wars and Lord of the Rings as well as Beauty and the Beast, Little Mermaid and Alladin (We all still know these movies by heart).

I was always absolutely convinced I would study STEM subjects. My father advised me to choose any engineering course (because I loved math and physics) but I chose biochemistry. I hated it so much that I wanted to get as far away from the subject as possible and went on to study management, specializing in finance.

I did not know how privileged I was when I was growing up. In fact, I am still learning about privilege in general.

I knew I was privileged in many areas of my life: I grew up with a family, I was able to study and have nothing significant lacking in my life. I am aware that this is a huge amount of privilege obviously, what I didn’t understand was how lucky I was to grow in a family that teach me I could be whatever I wanted.

When I started going to interviews I was asked if I had a boyfriend, when was I planning to have kids and if I felt comfortable travelling since it would affect the family.

When I started working in corporate finance we were 8 women in approximately 40 employees and only one was a Director.

When I started going to client board meetings I was almost always the only woman in the room.

In 10 years of consultancy I only spoke with 3 women with decision making power and only one of them was CEO.

When we decided to have kids I really wanted a girl because of the extra challenge of preparing her for a world that it is still not equal for women. I wanted to raise a girl to be whatever she wants but aware of her privilege, as well as the dificulties she might face.
Little did I know about the immensity of a challenge it is.

I know what I want to teach her and is absolutely in line with everything written in this book. The problem is educating society.
Society begins to invent gender roles even before they are born! I keep explaining to my husband’s family the kind of toys and clothes I want and go on receiving kitchen appliances and pink babies.
At this point, I am not even sure if she really likes pink and purple or if it was manipulated by the tons of pink objects available in the world (I try to choose everything in happy colours to counterbalance but it is a challenge).

I keep seeing friends and family raising their kids with gender biases and its tricky to interfere as nobody likes to be told what to do.
Gender injustice is real, but I always have to prove its existence and its exhausting. Even the friends that acknowledge gender injustice have difficulty in understanding that a lot of their actions and language are gender biased.

I feel very lucky with my life and what I have accomplished. I want to see more females in positions of power. I want it not to feel like luck and to be available to all women.

I will keep educating myself and force my friends do the same and eventually we will #BreakTheBias.

12 people found this helpful

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mb

Brilliantly simple, unapologetic, and earnest - a fast and direct read on how to promote equality.

Reviewed in the United States on March 10, 2017

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Spend $10 to buy this book right now. It's brilliantly simple, gentle but direct, unapologetic, and earnest. It took me a mere 15 minutes to get halfway through it this morning while getting ready for work, and now I'm itching to get back home to finish it. EVERYONE should read this book and it MUST change the way you interact with all those you love: women, men, girls, and boys alike.

When I hear the word feminism, I think, "Oh, to be a feminist I have to be really in-your-face, angry, on a pointed mission, purposeful about flouting cultural norms, and anti-men." I know I'm wrong... but that's unfortunately the ingrained association I have with that word, and thus I've always felt unfit to call myself (or even to aspire to be) a feminist. Yet of course I want to set an amazing example for my children of how to be an unstoppable human being -- is that "in spite of" being a woman? is it "because" I'm a woman? is it because I am who I am, which is a lot of different things?

In the span of a few pages, Adichie swiftly opens my eyes to a completely different definition of what it means to be a feminist: feminism is about being empowered, educated, authentic, and tenacious. Who wouldn't want to live in a society in which ALL individuals felt they were on equal footing to demonstrate those attributes?? I'm only halfway through this book and yet my spirits are renewed and my hope that I truly can make a difference is revitalized.

Read this book... and then pass it on to everyone you love.

55 people found this helpful

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TwinMom

Perfect Baby Shower Gift

Reviewed in the United States on August 31, 2018

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My coworker and friend gave me this book when my twin daughters turned 5 - more of a birthday present for me, I suppose. I read this book in an hour, and refer back to it often, reading even a few age appropriate lines to my girls, now alomost 8.

This book is derived from a letter the author of the book Ms. Adichie wrote her friend, Ijeawele, when Ijeawele had her first baby. Ijeawele reached out to her friend for advice on raising her daughter. Among the 15 beautifully packaged pieces of advice Ms. Adichie gives her friend, the following themes resonated with me. I've taken the liberty of paraphrasing in my own inartful way.

-Be a full person yourself, but ask for help when you need it.
My interpretation: Don't be ashamed to work outside the home. Your kid will be fine.

-Raise your child together with your partner - women shouldn't be relegated just to the female roles.
My interpretation: You are both equal parents. Dad doesn't need a standing ovation when he changes a diaper - he should be doing this.

-"Because you are a girl" is never a reason for anything. Ever.
No interpretation needed.

-Teach her to reject likeability. Teach her to be brave, kind and to stand up for herself.
My interpretation: "You do you!" Being kind, brave and assertive are not mutually exclusive things.

Overall, lots of very good advice in an easily readable format.

12 people found this helpful

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Erika

I Needed This

Reviewed in the United States on March 27, 2023

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I didn’t expect to enjoy this book as much as I did. It was educational, but in a very nurturing way. It felt like a chat with my favorite auntie. She challenged the way that I think at the same time that she inspired me to change the way that I think. I wish my mother had read this book when she first birthed me. I believe it would’ve totally changed how we relate to each- for the better. I wish I had this book when I was pregnant with my oldest daughter twenty-one years ago. It would’ve influenced much better teaching from me. I will give this book to both of my daughters and allow them to soak up this necessary information. They will be more informed for their own futures. I highly recommend this book for everyone, but especially the beautiful Black women that I consider to be my sister-friends.

One person found this helpful

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jamad999

Sound advice!

Reviewed in Canada on April 15, 2021

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I heard Imelda May recommend it during a radio interview. I figured if Imelda's recommendations are as good as her singing, the book must be good. It is! Great advice for mothers, daughters, and fathers.

Flávia Guedes

Livro maravilhoso

Reviewed in Brazil on October 13, 2020

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A entrega foi super rápida. O livro é lindo.

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Divya Devraj

Very good and a very easy read

Reviewed in India on July 13, 2021

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This book is actually an essay written in the form of a letter. But don't be put off by the term essay. Because this is neither long nor difficult to read. However, it carries a wealth of practical advice. I feel this should be read by every person irrespective of gender so that they can impart this knowledge to young girls who are growing up.
Honestly I wish I knew this while I was growing up. Would have changed my life.

Nina Rosales

Un libro que todos deberíamos leer

Reviewed in Mexico on November 23, 2019

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Si me preguntaran qué cosas cambiaría sobre cómo fui educada desde niña, pediría que lo hicieran así como propone Chimamanda. Me parece una reflexión bastante significativa sobre lo que significa, para otros y para una misma, nacer mujer. Me encantó la manera de abordar ciertas cuestiones, de visibilizarlas y de plantear una formación diferente. Quisiera que hubiera profundizado más en ciertas cuestiones, pero igual pienso que la extensión favorece el ritmo de lectura.

3 people found this helpful

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JGK

Ever wondered what mothers tell their daughters when men are not listening?

Reviewed in Germany on October 17, 2020

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This is an essay in bookform and as such, an easy read, filled with insight, wit, and unapologetic centering of the female experience. I read it in one go, as Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie is an excellent writer, dispensing practical advice anchored in her own experiences and anecdotes. Very compelling.

I'm a bloke relatively well-versed in feminist thought, so in that sense there's not much new to be found in the book. However, Adichie ties different themes wonderfully together while centering the female experience and as such I find this could be an excellent introduction for anyone looking to explore feminist thought.

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