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Fed Up: Emotional Labor, Women, and the Way Forward Kindle Edition

by Gemma Hartley (Author) Format: Kindle Edition

4.3 297 ratings

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A bold dive into the emotional labor women have shouldered for far too long—and an impassioned vision for creating a better future for us all.

Day in, day out, women anticipate and manage the needs of others. In relationships, we initiate the hard conversations. At home, we shoulder the mental load required to keep our households running. At work, we moderate our tone, explaining patiently and speaking softly. In the world, we step gingerly to keep ourselves safe. We do this largely invisible, draining work whether we want to or not—and we never clock out. No wonder women everywhere are overtaxed, exhausted, and simply fed up.

In her ultra-viral article “Women Aren’t Nags—We’re Just Fed Up,” shared by millions of readers, Gemma Hartley gave much-needed voice to the frustration and anger experienced by countless women. Now, in Fed Up, Hartley expands outward from the everyday frustrations of performing thankless emotional labor to illuminate how the expectation to do this work in all arenas—private and public—fuels gender inequality, limits our opportunities, steals our time, and adversely affects the quality of our lives.

More than just name the problem, though, Hartley teases apart the cultural messaging that has led us here and asks how we can shift the load. Rejecting easy solutions that don’t ultimately move the needle, Hartley offers a nuanced, insightful guide to striking real balance, for true partnership in every aspect of our lives. Reframing emotional labor not as a problem to be overcome, but as a genderless virtue men and women can all learn to channel in our quest to make a better, more egalitarian world, Fed Up is surprising, intelligent, and empathetic essential reading for every woman who has had enough with feeling fed up.

Editorial Reviews

Review

A passionate and personal assessment of the nature and costs to women of 'emotion management and life management combined'...There is much here likely to engage, comfort, and possibly help women who share Hartley's fed-up feelings.

-- "Publishers Weekly"

Narrator Therese Plummer's conversational tone immediately engages the listener and makes Hartley's thought-provoking observations more accessible. The brisk yet comfortable pace Plummer sets moves the text along smartly while allowing listeners time for reflection. Variations in tone and volume for quotes and emphasis prove effective without interrupting the smooth flow of her presentation. Her soft delivery of Hartley's shared personal episodes lends intimacy and immediacy, and the trace of a smile in her voice lends humor to the occasional caustic aside. Plummer's skillful narration of Hartley's thoughtful treatise on true equality for the sexes will find wide appeal for the serious listener.

-- "AudioFile"

Female readers will undoubtedly relate to the many first-person anecdotes of women obliviously or resentfully doing the draining work of emotional labor. But this is a book for men, too. To break the cycle, men need to step up to the plate. And then put it in the dishwasher.

-- "Booklist"

About the Author

Gemma Hartley is a journalist and writer whose work has appeared in Glamour, Women's Health, Cosmopolitan, Redbook, Good Housekeeping, Harper's Bazaar, Huffington Post, and the Washington Post, among other outlets. She lives in Reno, Nevada with her husband and three children.

Therese Plummer is an actor, award-winning voice-over artist, and counselor. She is a winner of several AudioFile Earphones Awards and has been a finalist for the prestigious Audie Award for best narration. She has appeared in a variety of television and film roles. As a counselor for adolescents, she spent five years using drama therapy techniques in individual and group settings.

Product details

ASIN ‏ : ‎ B077MBP9XV
Publisher ‏ : ‎ HarperOne (November 13, 2018)
Publication date ‏ : ‎ November 13, 2018
Language ‏ : ‎ English
File size ‏ : ‎ 2187 KB
Text-to-Speech ‏ : ‎ Enabled
Screen Reader ‏ : ‎ Supported
Enhanced typesetting ‏ : ‎ Enabled
X-Ray ‏ : ‎ Enabled
Word Wise ‏ : ‎ Enabled
Sticky notes ‏ : ‎ On Kindle Scribe
Print length ‏ : ‎ 254 pages

Best Sellers Rank: #588,710 in Kindle Store (See Top 100 in Kindle Store)
- #326 in Gender Studies (Kindle Store)
- #409 in Feminist Theory (Kindle Store)
- #1,450 in Feminist Theory (Books)

Customer Reviews:
4.3 297 ratings

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Gemma Hartley

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Gemma Hartley is a freelance journalist and author of Fed Up: Emotional Labor, Women, and the Way Forward. She received her BA in English Writing from The University of Nevada, Reno where she is recognized as a distinguished alumnus. Her work has been featured in outlets including Harper’s Bazaar, Women’s Health, Glamour, The Washington Post, CNBC, Redbook, Cosmopolitan, Good Housekeeping, Teen Vogue, and The Huffington Post. She lives with her husband and three young children in Reno, Nevada.

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4.3 out of 5

297 global ratings

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Naming the Beast to Tame It

Reviewed in the United States on May 27, 2019

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This book squarely named The Beast so I could take steps finally to tame it. As a life-long radical old-style feminist of age 76, I thought I had "been there got the t-shirt" but apparently had not. Had my couple's therapist not recently used the term "emotional labor", had I not then googled it and found and read Hartley's 2017 Bazaar article, and then this book, I would not have known how to call the turmoil I was in from doing the emotional labor - doing almost every blasted task of it in my relationship, until my fuse was almost blown and I was with one foot out of the door after 17 yrs of partnership. One might say that this book and a few others, plus therapy so far, perhaps saved this relationship (see also Hold Me Tight and The Dance of Anger). Get this book, read it, take it to heart, pass it on to your girlfriends, and then take steps to know, articulate, and define your personal boundaries come what may. It's not too late. We deserve this kind of self-care. We can tolerate the anxiety of not knowing what will be the results. Believe that adults, and adult men (and women) can change (despite what your less clear-thinking girlfriends might tell you). The Beast has been named; Hallelulia! Now it's up to us.

28 people found this helpful

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Elizabeth

Finally - words to explain the pitfalls of my relationship

Reviewed in the United States on April 27, 2019

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I've been married for over a decade and this is the first time I've been able to adequately explain why I get so frustrated with my husband over things such as calendar, household duties, appointments for our children, and other shared (or should be) responsibilities. I didn't know emotional labor was even a thing until I read Gemma Hartley's article "Women Aren't Nags, We're Just Fed Up". It all made sense why I'd get mad at my husband for failing to recognize when I needed help and he didn't offer. Since reading this book, we've had conversations about shared responsibilities and how to address my needs emotionally. He's even read a bit of the book and can see how frustrating it would be to be the one in the relationship to consider "all the things" to keep things running smoothly.

36 people found this helpful

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Amazon Customer

Good book that needs space to read

Reviewed in the United States on November 18, 2018

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I can relate very well to many things in the book, meaning I’m reliving a lot of the frustration while reading.....I feel privileged that I have the space to finish reading it. The author was very clear that it’s not a practical tool book for readers to fix the relationship and end the frustration. I understand it takes detailed description of real life situations to get the point across but at times it’s quite repetitive. I would still recommend this book as it highlights how the imbalance came about and it provides the language for constructive approaches to problems.

21 people found this helpful

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FluffytheNewt

Marriage saver

Reviewed in the United States on November 17, 2018

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As a father of three and the “breadwinner” of my household, it’s easy for me to get stuck in the traditional roles of marriage. Gemma’s work has helped me realize the importance of sharing the load of the daily family tasks. This book has helped immensely with my marriage and has made me more tolerable to my wife.
Any negative reviews from men are likely due to their unwillingness to acknowledge some vital truths.

143 people found this helpful

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Doctor S 457337

Fed Up

Reviewed in the United States on December 13, 2018

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First of all, I found this book repetitive in the extreme ... same idea repeated hundreds of times in nearly the same words for over 250 pages. Second, the "emotional labor" catchphrase is a poor fit for what is being described. The author is a woman with definite opinions about how her household is to be organized and maintained; her husband, from her telling, seems to have quite different opinions. The author presupposes he should share her opinions, notice what she notices, and do things the way she would, without her having to ask and do what she calls "emotional labor" in asking inoffensively. There is such a thing as "negotiation" which is recommended in the literature and not mentioned here. Instead of working on herself, the author bases her domestic life on manipulating change in her husband, and recommends this to others as a form of women's liberation. Men and women are simply programmed wrongly and society needs re-program them into proper relational roles. Being myself of the feminist movement of the 1970's, and seeing with sadness how the next generation of younger women chose for whatever reason to trash all we had worked for, including passage of the ERA, perhaps I find it a bit difficult to sympathize with such younger women and the situations they eagerly get themselves into. For many, after all of the insults are said and done, it finally dawns on them that perhaps we who fought for the rights of "the second sex" had some justification. They have aided and abetted a misogynistic backlash that threatens Planned Parenthood, Roe v. Wade, and workplace equality among others and helped give birth to a renewed rape culture. The author hopes that the next generation will proceed with an equalitarian agenda ... this is what we had hoped for.

59 people found this helpful

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CW

Excellent writing that will inspire you to have necessary conversations

Reviewed in the United States on November 29, 2018

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Fed Up is eloquently written, and while it is long it is not daunting - Hartley's words are as engaging as they are infuriating and inspiring. The books immediately drove me to have hard but important conversations with the men in my life. It is a necessary book for this time and for fourth wave feminism. This book should be requited reading for every male as soon as they can read.

14 people found this helpful

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Heather M

Such an important book for women AND men

Reviewed in the United States on March 28, 2019

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Feminism has (thankfully) let women become whole people, and embrace both their masculine and feminine sides. Unfortunately, men are still not allowed to take this healthy androgynous approach to being a human, and it is harming them and their families. This book offers a great first step they can take to escape from that box!

One person found this helpful

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Jenny

In general I liked it, but I have one piece of critique

Reviewed in the United States on May 21, 2020

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You can tell the book is well researched and I like her style of writing. I just feel she would emphasize a lot of the same points throughout the book over and over. If you wanted to get tips on what to do to solve this kind of situation you really won’t. It’s a very researched analysis, but it lacked structure, in my opinion. Overall, an educational read, I should say

3 people found this helpful

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Top reviews from other countries

Karly E.

You should read it, and so should all the men you know

Reviewed in Canada on August 27, 2020

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This book is for everyone - the woman with the typical husband, the woman with the perfect husband, the woman with no husband, and then ALL THE MEN. You know when you read something and you're like, "Yes, that is my life being put into words" - that is this book. I have a great husband, but the issue of emotional labour is one for everyone. I read every second out loud to my husband - not in an accusatory way, but in a way that helped him to see things from another perspective. In fact, me and two of my female also married friends read it together, and we all have husbands who really contribute around the house. I even gave it to both my mother and mother-in-law last mother's day. It's just truth, and it's always helpful to hear someone articulate things that are true better than I can so I can help articulate them to others as we work towards gender equality and breaking gender-role stereotypes.

5 people found this helpful

Shelley

Amazing

Reviewed in Canada on June 25, 2023

Verified Purchase

This book is amazing, game changer!

Karen Sebesta

Great book all working Moms should read!

Reviewed in Canada on March 1, 2019

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