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The AfterGrief: Finding Your Way Along the Long Arc of Loss Kindle Edition

4.7 4.7 out of 5 stars 226 ratings

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A validating new approach to the long-term grieving process that explains why we feel “stuck,” why that’s normal, and how shifting our perception of grief can help us grow—from the New York Times bestselling author of Motherless Daughters

“This is perhaps one of the most important books about grief ever written. It finally dispels the myth that we are all supposed to get over the death of a loved one.”—Claire Bidwell Smith, author of Anxiety: The Missing Stage of Grief

Aren’t you over it yet? Anyone who has experienced a major loss in their past knows this question. We’ve spent years fielding versions of it, both explicit and implied, from family, colleagues, acquaintances, and friends. We recognize the subtle cues—the slight eyebrow lift, the soft, startled “Oh! That long ago?”—from those who wonder how an event so far in the past can still occupy so much precious mental and emotional real estate.

Because of the common but false assumption that grief should be time-limited, too many of us believe we’re grieving “wrong” when sadness suddenly resurges sometimes months or even years after a loss.
The AfterGrief explains that the death of a loved one isn’t something most of us get over, get past, put down, or move beyond. Grief is not an emotion to pass through on the way to “feeling better.” Instead, grief is in constant motion; it is tidal, easily and often reactivated by memories and sensory events, and is re-triggered as we experience life transitions, anniversaries, and other losses. Whether we want it to or not, grief gets folded into our developing identities, where it informs our thoughts, hopes, expectations, behaviors, and fears, and we inevitably carry it forward into everything that follows.

Drawing on her own encounters with the ripple effects of early loss, as well as on interviews with dozens of researchers, therapists, and regular people who’ve been bereaved, 
New York Times bestselling author Hope Edelman offers profound advice for reassessing loss and adjusting the stories we tell ourselves about its impact on our identities. With guidance for reframing a story of loss, finding equilibrium within it, and even experiencing renewed growth and purpose in its wake, she demonstrates that though grief is a lifelong process, it doesn’t have to be a lifelong struggle.

From the Publisher

“The AfterGrief normalizes grief-and love- that lasts a lifetime.” Says Megan Devine

“This book is a balm.” Says Jen Pastiloff;aftergrief;grief book;Bereavement;grief recovery handbook

“Perhaps one of the most important books about grief ever written.” Says Claire Bidwell Smith

Editorial Reviews

Review

“Hope Edelman is one of the foremothers of the grief revolution. Her work opened the door for honest discussions of grief long before it was considered OK to talk about your inner life. In a world that thinks you should be over your loss already, The Aftergrief normalizes grief—and love—that lasts a lifetime.”—Megan Devine, author of It’s OK That You’re Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand

“This important and empathic work speaks to those of us experiencing the enduring nature of loss who need to feel understood, and have the ongoing adjustments we make throughout our lives because of it legitimized.”
—Rebecca Soffer, coauthor of Modern Loss: Candid Conversation About Grief. Beginners Welcome.

"I used to feel shame that I hadn’t ‘gotten over’ my father’s death yet. Reading
The Aftergrief reminded me that there’s no such thing as getting over it. I recommend this book to anyone who has experienced grief or loss. Actually, I recommend this book to anyone who is human. And that they read it and pass it on. This book is a balm.”—Jen Pastiloff, author of On Being Human: A Memoir of Waking Up, Living Real, and Listening Hard

“Grief is messy, grief is inconvenient, grief takes time; it is a process. Hope Edelman takes grief up from the underground and brings it into the light, reminding us that it is not only okay to grieve, it is essential.”
—Natasha Gregson Wagner, author of More Than Love: An Intimate Portrait of My Mother, Natalie Wood

“Hope Edelman, with her wisdom and kindness, helps us understand the ways loss stays with us through our lifetimes. This book is going to heal so many.”
—Claire Bidwell Smith, author of Anxiety: The Missing Stage of Grief

“Lucid . . . noteworthy . . . a timelessly relevant chronicle on enduring grief.”
Kirkus Reviews

“[Hope Edelman] urges readers to understand that there are no timetables for loss and no firm rules. Death is part of everyone’s life. Community helps us cope, and Edelman’s knowledgeable and thoughtful book offers a gentle, compassionate guide to grieving.”
Booklist

About the Author

Hope Edelman is the author of eight nonfiction books, including the bestsellers Motherless Daughters and Motherless Mothers, and the memoir The Possibility of Everything. Her original essays have appeared in many anthologies, including The Bitch in the House, Behind the Bedroom Door, and Goodbye to All That. Her work has received a New York Times notable book of the year designation and a Pushcart Prize for creative nonfiction. The recipient of the 2020 Community Educator Award from the Association for Death Education and Counseling, she is also certified as a Martha Beck Certified Life Coach, and facilitates Motherless Daughters retreats and workshops all over the world. She lives and works in Los Angeles and Iowa City.

Product details

  • ASIN ‏ : ‎ B08478FWDS
  • Publisher ‏ : ‎ Ballantine Books (October 6, 2020)
  • Publication date ‏ : ‎ October 6, 2020
  • Language ‏ : ‎ English
  • File size ‏ : ‎ 3219 KB
  • Text-to-Speech ‏ : ‎ Enabled
  • Screen Reader ‏ : ‎ Supported
  • Enhanced typesetting ‏ : ‎ Enabled
  • X-Ray ‏ : ‎ Enabled
  • Word Wise ‏ : ‎ Enabled
  • Print length ‏ : ‎ 322 pages
  • Customer Reviews:
    4.7 4.7 out of 5 stars 226 ratings

About the author

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Hope Edelman
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Hope Edelman is the internationally acclaimed author of eight nonfiction books, including the bestsellers Motherless Daughters, Motherless Mothers, and the memoir The Possibility of Everything. Her newest book is The Aftergrief: Finding Your Way Along the Long Arc of Loss. She has lectured widely on the subjects of early mother loss and nonfiction writing in the U.S., Canada, Australia, New Zealand, and the U.A.E. Her articles and reviews have appeared in numerous publications, including the New York Times, the Chicago Tribune, the San Francisco Chronicle, the Washington Post, The Huffington Post, Glamour, Child, Seventeen, Real Simple, Parents, Writer's Digest, and Self, and her original essays have appeared in many anthologies, including The Bitch in the House, The Bitch is Back, Behind the Bedroom Door, and Goodbye to All That. Her work has received a New York Times notable book of the year designation and a Pushcart Prize for creative nonfiction. She can be found in Iowa City every July teaching at the Iowa Summer Writing Festival. The rest of the year, she lives in Los Angeles, where she runs retreats, workshops, and online courses for motherless women.

Customer reviews

4.7 out of 5 stars
226 global ratings

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Hope Edelman remains a master narrator, researcher and leader in the genre of Loss.
5 out of 5 stars
Hope Edelman remains a master narrator, researcher and leader in the genre of Loss.
The AfterGrief is a compelling, sometimes heart wrenching, often lovely deep-dive into the grief state that many of us have gone through, or will go through, in our lives. Hope Edelman stands apart in the genre of Loss with her monumental books Motherless Daughters and Motherless Mothers. Her current book is no exception in terms of research and narrative skill.Edelman breaks grief into types of loss and reactions to such but has also woven her own story of her mothers’ death and its effects into the arc of the book. Although there is a lot of research and explanation of social-psychological studies, (we learn about the differences between New Grief and Old Grief. Within Old Grief there is Cyclical Grief, Resurrected Grief and Developmental Grief, for instance) but because of Edelman’s use of her own story, as well as others’ moving stories of grief, this book becomes a true page turner. Although it’s always hard to read about someone else’s heartbreak and grief, it is also cathartic if you have gone through these emotions yourself.I recommend The AfterGrief to everyone. There is so much to learn, and most of us will walk through that room of heartbreak at some point. It helps to know that we are not alone in grief, that it is part of life, that coping strategies exist but they may or may not work (and that is not human failure, but just what is), that there is nothing wrong with any way we need to or can think of to grieve. And on top of this we must embrace grief and even embrace ourselves. Knowing how others go through these processes can only be truly helpful and I couldn’t help but sense that if I were going through deep grief at the moment, this book would feel like a lifeline.
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Top reviews from the United States

  • Reviewed in the United States on October 6, 2020
    It is profoundly reassuring to learn that there is no timeline to grief and loss. That there is no need to "get over it" and that the periodic reappearances of sadness and pain in my life due to losses that occurred as long as 35 years ago are not something to be ashamed of or feel bad about.
    As Hope Edelman demonstrates in The AfterGrief, these feelings are normal and even expected.
    In The AfterGrief Edelman explores how grief and loss can be revisited repeatedly over time, leading to new perspective and meaning. She does this by showing us how and why we need to continue the relationships and connections to our departed loved ones moving forward with us throughout our lives, over "the long arc of loss".
    She carries us on this journey like a trusted friend. She demonstrates for us that although grief is a lifelong process, it does not need to be a lifelong struggle. That despite sadness, gratitude and joy are possible.
    "And good will grow from all of it".
    25 people found this helpful
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  • Reviewed in the United States on January 30, 2022
    This book talks mostly about grief that may have happened to a person in their earlier life and they are dealing with the grief later on. I think most people also have this situation, too. I know that we weren't taught as kids to handle grief appropriately - this book discusses that and discusses how grief can come up later and hit you. I probably read it too early after a recent loss, but it made a lot of sense for previous losses I have had. This book would be good for anybody that is still dealing with grief after some time and wants to know why it is still so hard for them. This book is so well thought out and easy to follow.
    3 people found this helpful
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  • Reviewed in the United States on October 6, 2020
    Hope Edelman did it again, put into words what so many of us struggle to describe in terms of grief… Well, The AfterGrief, "where we learn to live with a central paradox of bereavement: that a loss can recede in time yet remain so exquisitely present" (pg xxii).

    Edelman gives a poignant history of grief in the culture at large – as well as dipping her toe into very specific cultures – and then goes on to describe ways to work WITH the aftergrief rather than around, over, or under it, such as the concept of “story cracking”.

    If you lost someone close to you – mother, father, sibling, friend, etc. – no matter your gender – and you still notice your grief months - and especially years - later, please pick up a copy of this book. It will help you shine a new light into your life!
    22 people found this helpful
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  • Reviewed in the United States on June 23, 2024
    I lost my son in 2023 and this book was an excellent read about coping with loss.
    One person found this helpful
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  • Reviewed in the United States on January 17, 2021
    Twenty seven years ago with Hope’s first book, ‘Motherless Daughters,’ I found the first touchstone to validate my inner 8 year old girl’s terrible sadness from her mother’s death. With the ‘Aftergrief’ I was reminded how the ‘long arc of loss’ forever shaped me. Hope made it clear with stories and research, how my narrative began as a child, and could shift later with fresher understanding, writing, and trauma healing work, to a richer and more deeply felt life, not just a secretly sad life. Now my memories of my mother are grown up to see her as a fully fleshed human with limitations, and also, abiding love for me. Thanks, Hope, for a a heart soothing bookend to your first book with the ‘Afergrief.’
    10 people found this helpful
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  • Reviewed in the United States on June 3, 2022
    And will probably read again. Every word made sense of the chaos that is loss; her perspective made me feel validated. I’m in the midst of a terrible situation where loss is present every day, and I needed her affirmations.
    3 people found this helpful
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  • Reviewed in the United States on January 24, 2022
    This book is an absolute must-read for anyone who has experienced a loss. It will validate what you have known as well as enlighten you to what you didn’t know.
    Being a “Motherless Daughter “ for 40 years now this book came into my life at the perfect moment.
    4 people found this helpful
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  • Reviewed in the United States on January 13, 2021
    First, let me say I would read anything Hope Edelman writes. She has a style that has been described as "story telling, sitting at the kitchen table with a friend."
    I concur. I always learn from her, and I always garner new insights into me.
    If I could afford it, I'd buy a copy for everyone I know.
    Brava, Hope!
    7 people found this helpful
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Top reviews from other countries

  • SM
    5.0 out of 5 stars Best book for grief
    Reviewed in Canada on April 3, 2023
    Goes through everything in detail like a grief bible. Helped validate many things I felt years later so I could have more for compassion for myself and move on a second time. 10 years later, I had a resurgence of grief and so the last 5 years it was like all the therapy to release by talking, be at peace I made before just went away. Now im in a better mindset so thank you

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