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Gretchen Staebler

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Mother Lode: Confessions of a Reluctant Caregiver Kindle Edition

by Gretchen Staebler (Author) Format: Kindle Edition

4.7 176 ratings

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“. . . makes you feel as though a kindred soul is speaking to you.” —Readers’ Favorite

At the age of sixty, Gretchen Staebler promises to spend one year in her childhood home caring for her stubbornly independent ninety-six-year-old mother—sort of a middle-aged gap year. Then her mother will move to assisted living and she will return to her own independent life.

It doesn’t go as planned.

Rather than a retrospective, this mother-daughter story unfolds in real time with gripping honesty, bringing the reader along with the narrator through the struggle, doubts, and complexities of caregiving and daughterhood—and the beacons of light.

Penetrating the fog of her mother’s advancing dementia and myriad health issues with humor, frustration, and compassion—and wine—Staebler slowly comes to accept and respect the mother she got, if not the one she wished for. In the process, she manifests non-negotiable self-care and learns more than she wants to know about aging, cognitive loss, and the healthcare system.

Any reader who is looking for a road map in caring for a family member, has ever had a mother, or is looking aging in the eye will find company on the journey in this candid, multi-award-winning memoir.

From the Publisher

Photo of author. Seattle Book Review endorsement 4.5 Stars

WARNING: California’s Proposition 65

Editorial Reviews

Review

2023 PNWA Nancy Pearl Book Awards Finalist in Best Book: Memoir
2023 National Indie Excellence Awards Winner in Caregiving
2023 IPPY Awards Gold Medalist Winner in Aging/Death & Dying
2023 Next Generation Indie Book Awards Finalist in Relationships (Non-Fiction)
2023 Firebird Book Awards 1st Place Winner in Caregiving
2022 Sarton Awards Finalist in Memoir
2022 Living Now Book Awards Silver Medalist in Mature Living/Caregiving

“A debut memoir of caregiving that addresses issues of life and death in a direct and hopeful way. . . . The author is candid about the struggles of caregiving, which readers who have experienced similar situations will find refreshing . . .”
—Kirkus Reviews

“[Staebler] writes with humor and pathos . . . Mother Lode is a raw and insightful chronicle of life as a (reluctant) caregiver. . . .but it is ultimately an example of the triumph of love and resilience.”
—Seattle Book Review, 4.5 stars

“. . . I found Gretchen’s frustrations with the healthcare system and with the reluctant patient highly resonant, and she writes with an empathetic but direct narrative style that makes you feel as though a kindred soul is speaking to you. There are many difficult moments where trauma is worked through, but the overall feel of the read is one of strength, acceptance, and love, for yourself as much as for those that you care for.”
—Readers' Favorite, 5-star review

“. . . an excellent read for professionals, and for anyone else open to walking with a strong, brave, humorous daughter who stayed until the end. The story radiates the funny, sad, kind, compassionate, frustrating, intelligent, strong, stubborn aspects of good people with hard challenges.”
—Story Circle Book Reviews

“Mother Lode redefines ‘coming of age’ in the drama of an independent daughter who moves back to the family home to care for her elderly mother. The story unfolds page by page, week by month, as Gretchen takes us artfully into her relationship with her mother, her sisters, and a house packed with memories. Specific in detail, universal in appeal, told with wit, wisdom, and compassion; if you ever had a mother . . . if you ever had a family . . . if you’ve ever wondered if you could go home again . . . Mother Lode will intrigue, delight, and open your heart.”
—Christina Baldwin, author of Storycatcher, Life’s Companion, and The Circle Way

“We come to the support of our aging parents sometimes open-heartedly, sometimes reluctantly. Occasionally, though, we are able to see the strength and love in the contrary parent, knowing our own strength has come from just such a source. The author travels a contradictory journey with her mother toward an end that surprises even her.”
—Catherine Fransson, author of Loving the Enemy: When the Favorite Parent Dies First

“With compelling storytelling and great wit, Gretchen Staebler’s Mother Lode illuminates the valiant lives of the mostly forgotten and the nearly invisible: our elders and their caretakers.”
—Theo Pauline Nestor, author of A Writer’s Story of Finding Her Voice (and a Guide to How You Can Too)

“Staebler’s eye for just the right detail in just the right place is on full display throughout this beautifully rendered memoir about the infinitely puzzling and always complicated mother-daughter bond.”
—Katie Hafner, author of Mother Daughter Me and host of Our Mothers Ourselves podcast

“Gretchen Staebler has beautifully intertwined two love stories: her pure passion for the Pacific Northwest, and her complicated ties to her elderly and often exasperating mother. Staebler offers a remarkably candid and clear-eyed story of caretaking—depicting the frustration and power struggles as well as the break-through moments of joy and forgiveness. A compelling story from beginning to end.”
—Mary Lambeth Moore, author of Sleeping with Patty Hearst

“Kudos to Gretchen Staebler for one of the better caregiving memoirs I've read.”
—Paula Span, columnist of “The New Old Age” at the New York Times

About the Author

Gretchen Staebler is a wandering adventurer who left decades of grown-up life on the East Coast at age sixty to return to the mountains, beaches, and rain of her soul’s home in the Pacific Northwest. She blogs about her adventures from coffee shops, her father’s desk, national park lodges, her tent—wherever she feels cozy. She lives with her cat in Centralia, Washington (the real one).

Product details

ASIN ‏ : ‎ B09QHS59ZW
Publisher ‏ : ‎ She Writes Press (October 18, 2022)
Publication date ‏ : ‎ October 18, 2022
Language ‏ : ‎ English
File size ‏ : ‎ 810 KB
Text-to-Speech ‏ : ‎ Enabled
Screen Reader ‏ : ‎ Supported
Enhanced typesetting ‏ : ‎ Enabled
X-Ray ‏ : ‎ Enabled
Word Wise ‏ : ‎ Enabled
Print length ‏ : ‎ 369 pages
Page numbers source ISBN ‏ : ‎ 1647422833

Best Sellers Rank: #314,444 in Kindle Store (See Top 100 in Kindle Store)
- #54 in Eldercare
- #264 in Aging (Kindle Store)
- #394 in Aging Parents (Books)

Customer Reviews:
4.7 176 ratings

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Gretchen Staebler

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Award-winning author Gretchen Staebler is a wandering adventurer who left decades of grown-up life in the Southeast at age 60 to return to the mountains, beaches, and rain of her soul’s home in the Pacific Northwest. She blogs about her adventures from coffee shops, her father’s desk, national park lodges, her tent—wherever she feels cozy. She writes to learn who she is in the world and within herself and shares it with readers who may find themselves in places they never expected to be. She lives with her cat in Washington, the real one. Find book news (including deleted scenes) and resources for family caregivers at www.gretchenstaebler.com.

Customer reviews

176 global ratings

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Customers say

Customers find the book insightful and meaningful. They describe it as a great, relatable read with good writing quality. The story is described as emotional, poignant, and heartbreaking. Readers appreciate the humor and strength of the characters.

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Insight Readability Writing quality Heartbreaking Story quality Humor Strength Patience

34 customers mention "Insight"34 positive0 negative

Customers find the book insightful, meaningful, and empowering. They appreciate the candid details about the author's caregiving journey. The author describes the importance of self-care and communication with her mother, siblings, and others. Overall, readers say the book provides a deep dive into the realities of caregiving.

"...read for professionals and anyone else open to walking and learning with a strong, brave, very human daughter who completed a long walk home with..." Read more

"...The story is fluid and malleable, thus maintaining the reader's interest as it follows along a dramatic arc." Read more

"...or think you may need to be one at some point, this is a very important work in order to understand what caregiving of the truly aged really is...." Read more

"...I whole-heartedly recommend this book and hope you also will find it very helpful if you find yourself in this position...." Read more

26 customers mention "Readability"26 positive0 negative

Customers find the book relatable and insightful. They describe it as a great read and a must-read for everyone in all stages of life. The memoir is engaging, informative, and candid.

"...It is also an excellent read for professionals and anyone else open to walking and learning with a strong, brave, very human daughter who completed..." Read more

"Gretchen Staebler's memoir is told from the heart and is an honest rendering of what it takes to care for an elderly woman with dementia...." Read more

"...First of all, it's a riveting account and the writing is perfect and beautiful...." Read more

"I have just read a wonderful book titled Mother Lode – Confessions of a Reluctant Caregiver by Gretchen Staebler and I want to tell you about..." Read more

26 customers mention "Writing quality"26 positive0 negative

Customers appreciate the honest, descriptive writing style of the memoir. They find the writing eloquent and filled with great visual imagery. Readers appreciate the author's candor and willingness to be frank about her conflicted feelings. The vivid and loving descriptions make them feel as if they were directly experiencing the story.

"...The story is so human, radiating the funny, sad, kind, compassionate, frustrating, intelligent, strong, stubborn aspects of good people with hard..." Read more

"Gretchen Staebler's memoir is told from the heart and is an honest rendering of what it takes to care for an elderly woman with dementia...." Read more

"...First of all, it's a riveting account and the writing is perfect and beautiful...." Read more

"...The writing is filled with great visual imagery and lovely descriptions of what advanced old age is like for the mother character in the story, as..." Read more

16 customers mention "Heartbreaking"16 positive0 negative

Customers find the book gripping, emotional, and funny. They describe it as poignant, filled with laughter, love, angst, forgiveness, and redemption. The book is described as compassionate, comforting, and tender.

"...The story is so human, radiating the funny, sad, kind, compassionate, frustrating, intelligent, strong, stubborn aspects of good people with hard..." Read more

"...Staebler’s Mother Lode is a delight to read—I alternately laughed, cried, and howled my way through the book and could barely put it down...." Read more

"...The book is alternately heartbreaking and hilarious...." Read more

"...Staebler walks us through it all with honesty and tenderness...." Read more

16 customers mention "Story quality"16 positive0 negative

Customers find the story moving and relatable. They describe it as an honest, heartfelt tale of love between a mother and daughter. Readers appreciate the realistic portrayal of love and compassion in the book.

"...The story is so human, radiating the funny, sad, kind, compassionate, frustrating, intelligent, strong, stubborn aspects of good people with hard..." Read more

"...As in fiction, the story follows a dramatic triangle with Dementia as the perpetrator, Gretchen as the rescuer, and Grethen's mother as the victim...." Read more

"...Filled with laughter, love, angst, forgiveness, and redemption, Mother Lode takes the reader (as well as the author herself!)..." Read more

"...this in real time, as she was living it, gives the story an immediacy that is palpable, as if you are getting ‘dispatches from the frontlines’ in a..." Read more

12 customers mention "Humor"12 positive0 negative

Customers enjoy the book's humor and find it thought-provoking. They describe it as heartfelt, humorous, and infused with beauty and love.

"...The story is so human, radiating the funny, sad, kind, compassionate, frustrating, intelligent, strong, stubborn aspects of good people with hard..." Read more

"...Filled with laughter, love, angst, forgiveness, and redemption, Mother Lode takes the reader (as well as the author herself!)..." Read more

"...The book is alternately heartbreaking and hilarious...." Read more

"...But also the beauty. The characters. And most of all, the HUMOR. There are so many scenes in this book that I will never ever forget...." Read more

8 customers mention "Strength"8 positive0 negative

Customers find the book a heartwarming tale of love, compassion, and patience. They appreciate the honest and vulnerable portrayal of the mother's journey. The story is described as intelligent, strong, stubborn, brave, and wholehearted.

"...and anyone else open to walking and learning with a strong, brave, very human daughter who completed a long walk home with her mother...." Read more

"...The story is fluid and malleable, thus maintaining the reader's interest as it follows along a dramatic arc." Read more

"...This story features a physically resilient very old woman and her daughter who moves across the country into the mother's home to live with her and..." Read more

"...has given us a beautiful picture of the mother, who is querulous yet strong as she lives past age 100 and keeps going...." Read more

5 customers mention "Patience"5 positive0 negative

Customers appreciate the author's patience. They say she shows compassion and strength when caring for her mother.

"...story is so human, radiating the funny, sad, kind, compassionate, frustrating, intelligent, strong, stubborn aspects of good people with hard..." Read more

"...She shows her vulnerability, impatience, quest for support and incredible purpose...." Read more

"...The challenges, frustrations, love, compassion, and energy drain of caring for someone with dementia are all on full display in this memoir...." Read more

"...The author is almost always kinder and more patience with her mother than I am with mine...." Read more

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Mary Jo Doig
The funny, sad, kind, frustrated, intelligent, and more, aspects of good people with hard challenges
Reviewed in the United States on December 15, 2022
Verified Purchase

Mother Lode is a book for mothers and daughters, spouses, family members caring for other family members, as well as past, present, and future care providers. It is also an excellent read for professionals and anyone else open to walking and learning with a strong, brave, very human daughter who completed a long walk home with her mother.

For me, who loved the book from start to finish, there was only one thing to dislike about Mother Lode. It is a tragic fact of our society that Staebler brings so vividly to our attention: that the caretakers of our world are so invisible and taken for granted. Also, we, as individuals, have woefully little to no insight into the challenges of both the cared-for person and the care-giving person. My hope is that by bringing this story into the light, Mother Lode will bring impetus to help and strengthen this huge need in our country.

As I journeyed through the months, seasons, and years with Staebler as caregiver for her mother with cognitive decline, vision loss, and many other ailments, I found a wealth of wisdom. The story is so human, radiating the funny, sad, kind, compassionate, frustrating, intelligent, strong, stubborn aspects of good people with hard challenges. I hope you will love this beautifully, carefully crafted story by an exceptional writer as much as I did.

~ Mary Jo Doig, author of Patchwork, A Memoir of Love and Loss

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Susan S. Karr
The Volativity of Love
Reviewed in the United States on September 5, 2024
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Gretchen Staebler's memoir is told from the heart and is an honest rendering of what it takes to care for an elderly woman with dementia. In this well-balanced account, the author gives a frank assessment of the trials and frustrations of day-to-day reality of dealing with an unreliable narrator (the mother) who is prone to whining and hypochondriac machinations.

As in fiction, the story follows a dramatic triangle with Dementia as the perpetrator, Gretchen as the rescuer, and Grethen's mother as the victim. Even so, at times Gretchen's mother perceives her daughter as being the victim and herself as being the rescuer. The story is fluid and malleable, thus maintaining the reader's interest as it follows along a dramatic arc.

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Francine Falk-Allen
Caregiving for a family member with dementia
Reviewed in the United States on January 24, 2023
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Oh my goodness. Ms. Staebler details her dedicated and long live-in caregiver experience with her mother, who was in her mid-to-late 90's when Staebler's commitment to this work began.

First of all, it's a riveting account and the writing is perfect and beautiful. It is not easy to write in the present tense throughout an entire book, and it worked in this memoir. Additionally, there are lovely passages about the natural world of the Northwest, where Staebler grew up and lives in the family home where she cared for her mother. Staebler is a nature girl, and I loved this aspect.

In the first few chapters, I became so frustrated with Staebler's mama. her mother's insistence on things that were and were not said, and were and were not done, which was often outside reality, and then when real would change when repeated to someone else... or not... well, it was maddening. The sense of damned if one does and damned if one doesn't was palpable.

And then... I began seeing myself in Mama. Not because I have dementia or am on the verge of it, but because I know myself to be so attached to my routines and methods. After all, they make my life regular and predictable; I can find the grater if it's kept in the same place always. But I have so many boxes in the garage that I need to go through and get rid of, so that I will not put the brakes on the person who eventually asks me, "Can't we get rid of this?" if I lose my grip on whether or not these objects are important, useful, significant. The older we are, the harder it is to think clearly about the value of things, both objects and whether it's really important to be insistent upon our methods, concepts or preferences.

My mother had stuff that seemed insane when she died. A large instant coffee jar full of the mini brown paper pleated cups from years of See's candies. (I know what she was thinking: If I make candy, I can use these to give them away in a box at Christmas. But she had not made candy for probably 30 years.) Newspapers stacked three feet high. (I don't know why she was keeping these other than she just got in the habit of keeping them.) I don't want to leave someone with this kind of mess.

The story gets just a little repetitious at times. And this is because life became repetitious, and this works well in the story to bring home the things Staebler had to deal with, over and over.

And yet there is evolution. A relationship that had been prickly, as mother/daughter relationships can be (mine was), and disappointing, in that the friendship and resolution one hopes for may not be attained (I felt like this with my mom when she was in her 80's; she was never really going to approve of me or my life choices)... this relationship still does evolve and eventually, well, you'll see when you read it.

I found myself eventually not frustrated but quite deeply moved.

Regardless of whether you are a caregiver or think you may need to be one at some point, this is a very important work in order to understand what caregiving of the truly aged really is. Now, most people do not live as long as Mama did. But many people even in their 80's do have dementia to some degree, and, people are living longer.

Besides all that, this is just a good read. Highly recommend.

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Sunny
This is a must reading for all caregivers and care recipients. It is beautifully written.
Reviewed in the United States on October 25, 2022
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I have just read a wonderful book titled Mother Lode – Confessions of a Reluctant Caregiver by Gretchen Staebler and I want to tell you about it.

I have been in her shoes with both my mom and dad, so I can relate to many of the things she went through. Although my parents did not have dementia, they were a challenge to care for at times. My mom died much too young at age 74 after having a stroke that paralyzed her on one side. Although at that time my dad was her primary caregiver, at age 77, I was there every day to help take care of her and help him.

My dad was another story. He had always been very independent all his life. He started having problems at about age 96, about the age Gretchen was starting her journey with her mom. I seemed to have the same “love/hate” relationship with my dad as Gretchen did with her mom at times. It was good to read that I was not alone in that feeling. It validated how I felt. My dad passed away peacefully at age 99.

I think all the insights and experiences Gretchen had and her way with words will be a comfort to all who read her book.

My husband and I are on the receiving end of the caregiving journey, where we need some care ourselves. We have 2 daughters and a son in that position now who are reading Gretchen’s book to help them navigate this journey. We are still able to do most things ourselves so far but both being in our mid-80s, there is much we are not able to do. Our health is hit and miss, so that is a challenge also.

I whole-heartedly recommend this book and hope you also will find it very helpful if you find yourself in this position. It is said that 1 in 5 people [are caring for an adult family member], so you see you are not alone.

—Beth Nygren, 85

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Christopher prost
not your typical caregiver journal~
Reviewed in Canada on March 16, 2023
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This book is very well written, and you care about those Gretchen writes about - but I was somewhat bothered by the relationship between this daughter and mother - it wasn't close or at times even very loving - that is what makes this book unique - two people doing what is very hard because it is the right thing to do - and persisting until the end, to make it bearable for all. A very worth-while read! and I must say I felt differently about both mother and daughter by the end of the book, than I did at the beginning!

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Julia
A moving tale told with gripping honesty
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on May 8, 2023
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This is a beautifully written and honest account of the paradoxes of caring for an elderly mother - the love mixed with exasperation, the pure intent shadowed with fatigue and dread. I was held right to the end, leaning in to the what next even though I knew the what next. How did she manage to write so well about a process that could have sounded repetitive (since the tasks were often repetitive) but never did? I can imagine this book being a great comfort to others in a similar position who don't want to sugar coat the experience of caring but also understand the depths of love.

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Mother Lode: Confessions of a Reluctant Caregiver Kindle Edition

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Both cautionary tale and love story. I loved this book!

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5.0 out of 5 stars The funny, sad, kind, frustrated, intelligent, and more, aspects of good people with hard challenges

5.0 out of 5 stars The Volativity of Love

5.0 out of 5 stars Caregiving for a family member with dementia

5.0 out of 5 stars This is a must reading for all caregivers and care recipients. It is beautifully written.

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5.0 out of 5 stars not your typical caregiver journal~

4.0 out of 5 stars A moving tale told with gripping honesty

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The funny, sad, kind, frustrated, intelligent, and more, aspects of good people with hard challenges

The Volativity of Love

Caregiving for a family member with dementia

This is a must reading for all caregivers and care recipients. It is beautifully written.

not your typical caregiver journal~

A moving tale told with gripping honesty