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Lights On, Rats Out: A Memoir Kindle Edition

4.1 4.1 out of 5 stars 39 ratings

“A harrowing, beautiful, searching, and deeply literary memoir. In these pages, we watch Cree LeFavour evolve from a wounded (and wounding) lost girl to a woman who can at last regard her existence with a modicum of mercy and forgiveness...a story of true self-salvation and transformation.”—Elizabeth Gilbert

As a young college graduate a year into treatment with a psychiatrist, Cree LeFavour's began to organize her days around the cruel, compulsive logic of self-harm: with each newly lit cigarette, the world would drop away as her focus narrowed to an unblemished patch of skin calling out for attention and the fierce, blooming release of pleasure-pain as the burning tip was applied to the skin. Her body was a canvas of cruelty; each scar a mark of pride and shame.

In sharp and shocking language,
Lights On, Rats Out brings us closely into these years, allowing us to feel the pull of a stark compulsion taking over a mind. We see the world as Cree did—turned upside down, the richness of life muted and dulled, its pleasures perverted. The heady, vertiginous thrill of meeting with her psychiatrist, Dr. X—whose relationship with Cree is at once sustaining and paralyzing—comes to be the only bright spot in her mental solitude.

Her extraordinary access to and inclusion of the notes kept by Dr. X during treatment offer concrete evidence of Cree’s transformation over 3 years of therapy. But it is her own evocative and razor-sharp prose that traces a path from a lonely and often sad childhood to her reluctant commitment to and emergence from a psychiatric hospital, to the saving refuge of literature and eventual acceptance of love. Moving deftly between the dialogue and observations from psychiatric records and elegant, incisive reflection on youth and early adulthood,
Lights On, Rats Out illuminates a fiercely bright and independent woman’s charged attachment to a mental health professional and the dangerous compulsion to keep him in her life at all costs.
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Editorial Reviews

Review

Eloquent, irreverent, graphically precise.

-- "Vulture"

Cree LeFavour...exhibits a rare willingness to take the reader into difficult and sometimes unpleasant territory...LeFavour's tale is a gritty one...[and] is, among other things, a love story about a dedicated and gifted analyst and his difficult but equally gifted patient..This is a courageous and unsettling memoir, infused with humor as well as pain and marked throughout by a survivor's wry insight.

-- "New York Times"

LeFavour uses the force of her blisteringly stark, mesmerizingly self-aware prose to not only unearth her own demons but also equip the reader with the language to articulate our own as well.

-- "Harper's Bazaar"

Cree LeFavour's memoir of self-mutilation and temporary insanity isn't for the faint of heart. Rather, it's for anyone who's ever been too scared to feel or too hurt to register pain-in other words, all of us. I don't think I've ever read a more hopeful, searingly intelligent book about the distances we're capable of traveling as we find our way back to the light.

-- "Adam Ross, author of Mr. Peanut"

A searing, brilliant memoir revealing the therapeutic process and its ability 'to turn our ghosts into ancestors.'

-- "Booklist (starred review)"

A riveting exploration.

-- "Publishers Weekly (starred review)"

Shockingly intimate.

-- "People"

Meticulously constructed from detailed physician notes and her own journals, the book is both disturbing and deeply cathartic...A searingly eloquent and intelligent memoir.

-- "Kirkus Reviews (starred review)"

A harrowing, beautiful, searching, and deeply literary memoir...a story of true self-salvation and transformation.

-- "Elizabeth Gilbert, New York Times bestselling author"

A powerfully, staggeringly honest book that is excruciating in places, and also completely haunting. LeFavour's intimate account of her relationship with her psychiatrist is intensely compelling, forthright, and brave...a fascinating memoir in a category of its own.

-- "Dani Shapiro, author of Slow Motion"

With chilled, unflinching precision, in Lights On, Rats Out, Lefavour lays bare her struggles with self-mutilation, chronicling a terrifying clash between mind and flesh. A vivid, unsettling, and powerful read.

-- "Jonathan Miles, author of Want Not"

About the Author

Cree LeFavour is the author of several cookbooks. She has PhD in American Studies and taught writing at New York University.

Product details

  • ASIN ‏ : ‎ B01MRZ6DKE
  • Publisher ‏ : ‎ Grove Press (August 1, 2017)
  • Publication date ‏ : ‎ August 1, 2017
  • Language ‏ : ‎ English
  • File size ‏ : ‎ 3212 KB
  • Text-to-Speech ‏ : ‎ Enabled
  • Screen Reader ‏ : ‎ Supported
  • Enhanced typesetting ‏ : ‎ Enabled
  • X-Ray ‏ : ‎ Not Enabled
  • Word Wise ‏ : ‎ Enabled
  • Sticky notes ‏ : ‎ On Kindle Scribe
  • Print length ‏ : ‎ 244 pages
  • Customer Reviews:
    4.1 4.1 out of 5 stars 39 ratings

About the authors

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Customer reviews

4.1 out of 5 stars
4.1 out of 5
39 global ratings

Top reviews from the United States

Reviewed in the United States on October 7, 2017
A lot of soul searching and reporting reside in this book. Cree LeFavour's cooking books are wonderful, this gives another perspective to her life. A very brave one.
Reviewed in the United States on September 11, 2017
Interesting!
Reviewed in the United States on September 7, 2017
A beautifully written, frighteningly accurate story of a young woman's struggles with mental illness. A great book.
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Reviewed in the United States on August 31, 2017
The last thing a female six feet tall and over weight needs is to be infatuated with a married doctor who drives a Lamborghini. The Hippocratic Oath forbids physicians from being seductive to patients. However, psychiatrists claim a patient lusting after them has therapeutic value.
Neither she nor the MD think it odd that she began to burn her skin with lit cigarettes AFTER starting therapy with him! Even she is aware this is done to gain his attention. She craves even the touch of him changing her bandages. Did the doctor have sterile gloves on? I doubt this. How many shrinks have medical supplies in their office?
Her father paid the amount the insurance did not cover. In many states it is illegal for doctors to bill the patient for the balance. This amount is required by law to be written off.
Most of the office notes the MD turned over to her were of the CYA nature to protect himself from malpractice law suits. Private counselors are often reluctant to send patients to a hospital. Why? They fear they will lose the lucrative business of this patient to a competing doctor.
This book is a testimony to the futility and worthlessness of the pseudo science of psychiatry. The MD rarely says anything more insightful than a bartender would. He hesitates to blame her father as Dad is paying the MD bill. They know which side their bread is buttered on.
The laundry list of questions she is asked on a "standard" form asks a female patient about premature orgasms? Indeed?
We know more today. Strive for a healthy microbiome, eat omega three fats and exercise.
4 people found this helpful
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Reviewed in the United States on September 27, 2017
One of the best books I have read in years.
One person found this helpful
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Reviewed in the United States on August 26, 2021
This book was really interesting. During the first third or so, it was difficult to keep going at times, because the therapy that was happening didn't seem... good? It seemed that the therapist (though I'm sure trying his absolute best with what he knew at the time, and boy did he try) was encouraging her transference. He also seems to be fixating on past broken parts rather than her functional current parts, and didn't take seriously some of her initial acting out, which seemingly caused her to ramp up her efforts, and she deteriorated significantly. It was unclear to me as a reader if this therapy was being framed as a gold star model that people should emulate, or whether it was leading up to something unethical on the therapist's part (ultimately it went in neither direction). I liked the twist at the end and how people's lives can change dramatically based on their relationships and circumstances that come along, and that a romantic partner can truly be healing (versus the trope of needing to fix yourself before you can be with anyone). The text is also interesting as an example of why DBT is typically considered the best method for treating BPD and self-harm, versus psychoanalysis. And how pricey in-patient treatment can be a racket wherein treatment length and the patient's documented functioning can depend on how much they can pay. As I read, I kept thinking how differently treatment may have gone in the early stages if more of a DBT approach had been taken, focusing on reducing distress in moments of crisis rather than analyzing them later, and with a clear effort to reduce the intensity of transference/countertransference. Or more of a strengths based approach versus focusing so heavily on the "broken" more childlike parts. Or potentially IFS, as the author mentions she did find comfort in embracing that the more "wild" parts of herself can continue to exist alongside the more "functional" parts (and it'd give more ownership for the healing and parts to the author versus the therapist). I think portions of this book would be good to use in therapy programs as a way of debating modalities in different situations.
Reviewed in the United States on August 22, 2017
I doubt this book would have been published if the author weren't a successful cookbook writer and married to a head book reviewer at the New York Times. In her twenties, after a fairly chaotic but wealthy young adulthood, she went through a period of self-mutilation with cigarette burns. She saw a psychiatrist in Vermont who appropriately said if she continued this he wouldn't continue treating her unless she agreed to be hospitalized. She did so until her insurance ran out, then saw him for outpatient treatment again, but I saw no sign that any actual therapy was going on, just a lot of Freudian blah-blah-blah. A lot of it was about her romantic transference feelings for him. This went on for a few years with her life not moving forward at all. Then she met her future husband. The therapist scolded her basically for letting the boyfriend distract her from the so-called therapy, but she bailed on the therapy and moved to New York with the boyfriend where they get married, had children, and by all appearances have lived happily ever after. A lively read at times but sort of anticlimactic.
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